Struggling through another sleepless night without my husband

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by CarolC, Sep 9, 2018.

  1. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I lost my husband a month ago, August 7, to an auto accident. We would be married 25 years this October. He was my best friend, my everything. We have two beautiful children (both adults) and two adorable grandchildren. I have a huge family, both blood and work family, but I still feel so alone, especially after everyone has gone to sleep and I'm left all alone trying to cope with my loss.
     
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  2. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I lost my mother suddenly in May. I lot of people were there at the beginning. After a while, that diminishes. It is also not so bad during the day when we are busy doing things. At night, when we are alone with our thoughts, is another matter...
     
  3. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more! There are so many things to do during the day, and if not I can find things to do. At night there's not much to do without waking the rest of the house.
     
  4. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Three bad days in a row. People continue to ask if I'm okay, I'm telling them no. I used to be thankful that I wasn't in the truck with him when he wrecked, that my family needs me here, but I don't even care anymore. I don't want to do this life without him. I won't hurt myself but I wish so much that I could join him. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up, or that someone would plow into my truck. But, every morning I wake up and start on my To Do list that everyone gives me to keep me busy, going to work, pretending like everything is alright.
     
  5. ChrisL

    ChrisL Member

    I am awake right now at 225am. I can not sleep either. I was married 26 years. I am 50 also. My wife was my best friend. I lost her suddenly on August 4th. I know your loneliness. I know your pain. I know your longing. I will keep you in my prayers.
     
  6. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss Chris. No matter what I try, I can't seem to sleep. I haven't tried medication yet though, so that's coming soon. I used to be the best sleeper. My husband would comment about how jealous he was that I could just lay my head down and be asleep. When I was upset I would sleep for hours, like 12-15 hours at a time. Now it's just not happening.
     
  7. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I think you're feeling that way because you are missing him more than is tolerable in your mind. Keep in mind that your husband has only been gone a little more than a month. I had a similar moment the other night when I was walking the dogs. I lost my partner of 18 years July 6 of sudden cardiac arrest. Like an accident, it just happened out of the blue with no time to react.

    It is the hardest thing in the world to just keep going when the love of your life is not there and all you have are pictures and memories. One book I am reading now, It's ok to not be ok by Megan Devine equates grief as the wildest kind of love. That grief is not a process to be gotten through so much as a permanent part of you that will need for you to integrate into your new life. It doesn't mean we will ever forget our loved - far from it. They will always live with us in our hearts, our souls and our memories. But your life is forever changed and you have to make a new life. Easy it is not. All I want is t o have my beautiful partner, Robert, back. He was Native American so I have been listening to his Native music. I also surrounded his ashes with his Native artwork. You have to find ways and rituals to incorporate him into your life without his physical presence.
     
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  8. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    The storm has picked up now and I'm hearing scary noises outside. I don't think I've ever felt so alone as I do right now. I'm trying to stay calm from the fear of the storm raging around me and from the enormous need for my husband, both emotionally and physically right now.
     
  9. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. There are so many challenges when it is your partner who is lost. The hurricane itself is scary but losing your husband whi probably comforted you in past storms makes it a very lonely time.

    You will make it through both trials and come out the other end. You will not be the same
     
  10. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Thank you Michelle. I think the worst is behind us now and we faired well, as far as I know. I have to go out and investigate in the morning.
     
  11. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    This past weekend my mother suggested, again, that I go to the doctor and get something to "help". I'm not a medication person, not even for this pain in my calf or this head cold.
    My sister told me that I needed to realize that Butch just isn't here with me anymore, he's not sending me signs.
    I thought I was handling this as well as to be expected. I've gone to work almost everyday since school started in August. I've only taken four days off. I've worked through feeding tubes smiling and talking with my student, all the while going between wishing Butch has survived the wreck at any cost and thinking he wouldn't want me to have to feed him through a tube. I've worked through several different degrees of seizures with students, thanking God that Butch wasn't left with traumatic injuries/ I've made countless visits/phone calls with lawyers dealing with the wreck and selling property he owned. I've handled the tag that needed to be renewed, inspections, oil changes, battery lights coming on. I've found the running mower and kept my grass mowed. I've bought a new double wide so my family will have dependable heat since Butch had to work on the furnace all the time, or use a fire place. I've packed and moved everything into storage (with lots of help, that I've had to find). I found the storage building. I found the new place to live. I've taken the dog to the vet when he got ran over. The list goes on.
    The point is, I've never gone to bed and said I give up or I can't do this. I have cried A LOT. I have wished I had been in that truck with him.
    It's not even been three months since he passed. I thought I was doing well in dealing with this. Now I'm wondering if I'm trying to fool myself. Maybe I'm not that strong. Maybe I'm not handling this that well. Maybe I should just go get drugs that will probably make me feel weird, put on my gown and just crawl in bed.
    Disclaimer - I'm not saying drugs aren't wonderful help, if you can take them or need them. I'm not saying that taking time to grieve is wrong. I'm just saying that isn't what I thought I needed. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I don't know what I need.
     
  12. Elizabethann

    Elizabethann New Member

    Hello, my name is Lisa. I read your post about sleepless nights without your husband. I'm facing the same pain right now. I can't stop crying. I take walks and it helps a little, but once I come back in the house it starts all over again. I'm sorry I can't keep writing tears are falling again.
     
  13. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Hi Lisa, I'm so sorry for your loss. A friend finally told me the other day that "it won't get better". According to her it has to get much worst before you can begin to put the pieces back together and learn to live again. It made me think of the chipped china plates. You can go ahead an break it apart (make it worst) to use the pieces to create a beautiful piece of mosaic art work, but would that be considered "better"? She said I would simply mold into the person that I will become. That helped me a little because I just felt like it wasn't getting easier or better.
     
  14. Marine01

    Marine01 New Member

    I lost my wife of 48 yrs to lung cancer 9/25/18. Although we both new she was sick and talked about things I never believed it would be this hard. I was in the Marine Corp and served in Vietnam which I thought was a lot to deal with all these years. I have tons of Family and Friends but don't seem to get what I need from them but I don't know what that is anyways? I really don't know if I can handle this?
     
  15. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, 48 years is a long time to be with someone. I won't tell you that you can handle this, because I'm so tired of people telling me, "you've got this". I take the approach of I can handle this because I have to handle this. It's really taking a toll on me though.
     
  16. Marine01

    Marine01 New Member

    I'm at a total loss right now unfortunate for me I suffer with PTSD from Vietnam and she always seemed to keep me on an even keel. My losses I suffered in Vietnam and now lossing her is something I guess I'm going to have to go back to therapy. sorry for ranting just cant seem to get words out of my head into print.
     
  17. Elizabethann

    Elizabethann New Member

    After I talked to you, I walked outside to walk the property and think. My son came out and walked with me. And told me some things that I had never heard him say in a long time. You see me and my husband were christians when we got married, but lost our way along the way, and our son Elisha grew up as a regular teenager. Elisha hasn't mentioned God or anything of that nature since he was little. Tonight he told me he was going to read the bible from the beginning to end, and his granny was going to leave hers to him. I reached out to the lord after my husband passed, for the first time in years. Elisha said maybe dad had to go so we could be saved. And the truth is if he was still here, I don't know if we would have came back to him, before it was too late.
     
  18. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I used to always say, "There's something good in everything that happens, sometimes you just have to wait or look hard to see it." I'm having a hard time believing that right now, or finding my good, but I'm glad you found something positive to hold on to.
     
  19. Sotiredofcrying!

    Sotiredofcrying! New Member

    I just signed up for this forum today in hopes that it would be of some help to me. 14 months ago today my husband was killed in an accident on his way home from work. We were married for 33 years. I have not had one day in the last 14 months that I haven't cried at some point of the day. CarolC, I know exactly what you mean when you talk about wanting to not wake up in the morning. I also relate to your decision to not use medications to numb your pain. I went to a counselor a few months ago but didn't feel like I benefited from it. I also attended a local widow's support group meeting but left there feeling like it was a waste of time. I tell anyone that asks how I'm doing that "I'm okay." I'M NOT! I don't think I ever will be.
     
  20. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Sotireddofcrying! I'm so sorry for your loss! I hope you find the comfort you need from this site. It's really helped me to get my feelings out in words.
    I also created a Tribute Page for my husband where I can tell him anything. You can set it to receive comments or not. That's been helpful to me also, if you haven't found it yet.
    I think people around me are starting to question the "I'm okay" bit, and now I really mean it. I walked by a co-worker one day and they asked, "How are you doing?" and without even thinking I replied, "Okay, you?" They looked at me like I'd grown two heads. I realized that I gave them the "non-grieving" answer that anyone else at work would have given. So, now that's the approach I'm taking, a polite exchange in the hallway, not the checking on a grieving co-worker. It stops the tears anyway.