Stillborn child at 35 weeks

The only thing I have ever wanted to be is a mom. To hold life in my arms that I have created. To mold my baby into a beautiful soul. It didn't seem like a possibility with my boyfriend and I. He had been tested when he was with his ex wife and had paper work stating he was 100% sterile. I had been told my entire teen and adult life that I had PCOS....when we found out we were pregnant.....we knew this was a miracle child. We were excited and shocked and confused and amazed....we went to the doctor and had him re tested and some how the blockage that had made him sterile had worked itself out and was completely gone.....my PCOS had looked better than it had ever looked.....this was finally it. Our dreams came true....we were going to be parents. We were so excited and so was our entire family....

We started having complications at 13 weeks with a subchoreonic hemorrhage.....continual visits to the emergency room due to my inability to keep hydrated no matter how much water I drank.....finally in my 3rd trimester things started looking like smooth sailing. He was very active, always had a strong heartbeat, and I was finally able to keep things down and stay hydrated.

My first biophysical at 32 weeks he measured 6 pounds 13 ounces. With concerns of him getting much bigger i had started asking about inducing early. I knew that he had a ways to go before being considered full term but I had always measured almost an entire month ahead of schedule..doctors refused saying he was fine but they wanted to start weekly sonograms 3 weeks early just to be safe. As he continued growing I became more and more concerned as he was moving less and less. I had felt him moving all morning the morning of June 29th. I went in for my weekly sonogram and he stopped moving. Which was usual for him....it was like he knew when it was check up time because he would always be stubborn and stay still in a position that just made the nurses job harder.....i was called back and 2 nurses had to look for his heartbeat....they couldn't find it so they brought in the doctor who had told me my son had died.....i screamed and begged for them to do a C section and take him and try to save him but they didn't believe that I felt him moving that morning. They refused surgery and sent me home just to come back the next day to be induced.....i ended up having a C section anyway because of my pelvis being too narrow.....i have dreams every night that he is alive and im holding him in my arms rocking him to sleep....i wake up to my reality and go into a massive panic attack. Counseling doesnt help....meds dont help......im lost and dont know what else to do......