On May 7, 2017 my daughter Jayme died from from a major heart attack. She was 37. When she was 30 she picked up a 10lb bag of mulch and the aorta of her heart split in an area that made it irreparable. Drs said it was an undiagnosed heart defect. Over the next 7 years her health declined until she really had no quality of life. She was virtually bedridden. She had been placed on the heart transplant list. The first 14 months I guess have passed in a kind of time warp. I get up, I go to work, I interact with coworkers, students, family, and friends. I laugh and smile. I talk about her with my other two daughters and we laugh about some of the things Jayme would do or say. When I’m alone, and I feel the tears start, I stop them and think of something else really fast. Her birthday and Christmas are just a few days apart and I thought we all handled it last year really well. The past two weeks my world has blown up. I have developed a terrific case of can’t remember s$&t. In the middle of saying something I lose my train of thought and go blank, and since I teach that’s not such a good thing. I was horrid to a coworker a few days ago even tho I felt like I had been provoked. I went to the cemetery Thursday and there I saw it. The mound that has been over her grave is gone. In the two months since I had been there, her grave is now as smooth as the others around her. She isn’t coming back. No matter how much I have lied to myself she isn’t coming back. I’m not ever going to hear that silly laugh or that long drawn out mommm ever ever again. I have cried nonstop for the past 4 days. And I am tired. Sorry this is so long and rambly but I have needed to say all this.