So very lost and broken

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Cindi1013, Nov 5, 2019.

  1. RLC

    RLC Active Member

  2. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Isn’t it though! I didn’t realize you also had osteoarthritis that’s so horrible I can’t imagine how painful that must be for you, I have some arthritis in my knee and fingers but nothing like what you have, Anyway just saying hi hope day is not too bad,
    ❤️
     
  3. RLC

    RLC Active Member

    Yes, sadly I have RA and osteo both. RA since I was 37. Took forever for a diagnosis, and during that time if someone so much as brushed against my hands or wrists I’d cry in pain. I’ve read that a life crisis can make it appear. If RA was there but dormant. I lost my dad in ‘94. I was a wreck, and all the sudden I had terrible pain in hands and feet. I hope yours doesn’t get worse.
    Today has been rough for me, I got government papers about our business. About 100% dissolving it. I wasn’t aware I had to do that and I. Afraid it has me very upset and feeling the pain all over again like I’m in our shop emptying it. I believe people on here understand that going through that on top of losing your husband makes things so much harder. But people who haven’t lost a spouse let alone closing a business just don’t understand.
    Having trouble being motivated to do much of anything today. I just need Ron back and our life back! We all do. ❤️
     
  4. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi Robin
    I totally understand where your coming from, I know how hard it must be to have to have closed your business, My Husband had an internet book business
    That he did first as a hobby then after he retired at age 56 he did his book business full time it was a home based business, He loved books and this was a dream come true for him, It didn’t make a lot of money but the joy he got out of it made it all worth it, So like you I had to close it down this was two years ago , but I still have all his books still on book shelves or in totes , I just can’t get the strength to try and sell some books to dealers the thought of parting with anything of his makes me so sad, I still have all his clothes in the drawers and in the wardrobe I haven’t gotten rid of anything of his, I am just not ready and don’t know if I ever will be, I love having his things around me it gives me comfort
    Some people think I am crazy but that’s there problem it’s up to me whatever I want to do, So I know what your going through, Yes I think we all want our Happy lives back, like I said before, Sometimes life just isn’t fair,
    Good luck with everything
    Christine ❤️
     
  5. RLC

    RLC Active Member

    Hi Christine,
    I’d save all the books too. Don’t blame you at all. How could you do anything but save them? Shortly before Ron passed we discussed the shop and everything in it. I found out that when we retired he planned on keeping our industrial sewing machines and some other items, including tools and compressors etc. I have those things and so much more. Because it hurt too bad to toss or sell. I did sell one sewing machine that neither of us liked and rarely used. I sold it to an old employee who came to the funeral and mentioned he still does auto upholstery. He told me how much he respected Ron and that he taught him everything he knows in upholstery. That was nice to hear. But I have a house full of what used to be our life. It makes me ache seeing those items and ache more at the thought of trying to sell any of it. And now I have to fill out forms saying it’s dissolved! I can’t even drive by where we spent everyday working. And now I have to make it officially dissolved.
    I have all Ron’s clothes too. In his drawers and in his closet. I agree I can’t get rid of any of it. Don’t intend to. I don’t even want to move things that he put down. I just can’t. He had hung his work belt on his dresser, it’s still there, I can’t bare to move it. And as you said, his things are comforting. His iPad is still sitting where he put it down. And you’re right some people think we’re crazy, but when their spouse passes they can empty dressers and wardrobes if they want, but that’s not for me, or you. My kids didn’t want anyone sitting in his recliner when we had people over after the funeral. They bought frames and printed out, reserved for Dad on the computer and sat them on his chair and end table. I didn’t want anyone sitting there either and loved that they did that.
    We’re lucky we found such wonderful spouses what wonderful lives we’ve lived! Makes not having them that much harder though. I have a small urn I have on a chain and wear everyday with some of his ashes and his fingerprint on a charm. So do both my children, makes us feel close to him.
    It sounds selfish but I feel my life is ruined and cut short cause my husband is gone. And I say to myself, I shouldn’t feel that way. I’m still here. But life isn’t great right now and we had so much more to live for so much more life to live and plans that won’t happen. I’m fairly sure you feel that way too.
    Robin ❤️
     
  6. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Oh God Robin we are so much alike in our Grief I also have a heart locket with some of George’s ashes I wear around my neck, I never take it off only when I shower, I have made a shrine to him in our bedroom photos and the beautiful speeches my Son and close friends had read at his celebration of life gathering, My Niece did a beautiful DVD of our life together in photos and video it’s lovely I do watch it quiet often just so I can see us together and so happy, Oh how I wish we lived closer to each other it would be so nice to go for lunch or coffee and just talk, Oh well that’s the way it is, But so glad we connected, try and have a good night,
    All the best
    Christine ❤️
     
  7. RLC

    RLC Active Member

    Wow! It’s uncanny! It’s everything. My urn is a long tear drop with a heart cut out. I have his finger print and a Disney charm on the chain also. Disney cause we took our children to Disney world almost every year and as adults we kept going cause we all still wanted to keep tradition. So I have Lady and the Tramp on a heart shaped charm and on the back it says together forever. I had to cancel our trip to Disney we already had booked. Instead we emptied our business during those days.
    I have a dvd with pictures also! My daughter made it and we showed at the funneral parlor. I haven’t watched mine. But I’m sure I will in time. But on his phone there’s videos I watch and love hearing his voice. Whenever we would go on vacation he would walk around the shop and video as he checked everything was turned off. All sewing machines, compressors, lights, tv, heat or fans. So if we’re unsure, did we turn the heat down, we look at the video. Peace of mind sort of thing. I watch those, to hear his voice.
    It’s crazy how we’re so alike in so many ways. But feels good! He wrote me poems that I look at too. So loving and caring. And I’ve made a key chain with our pictures on it and had canvas pictures made.
    I’m feeling a lot of pain right now, arthritis. I could barely move to get Ted out. So I’m resting with an ice pack on. When I feel this much pain I miss Ron even more. He’d wait on me hand and foot. He’d take my arm to help me. If he’s watching, he’s upset for me and wishing he could help me.
    I agree, we’d go for coffee or lunch or whatever.
    Hope you’re resting by now I hope to be soon. Sleep comes hard.
    Robin ❤️
     
  8. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

     
  9. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi Robin
    Thought you might like this, these are some of the text messages my husband sent me usually at night
    : when he was in the hospital for tests; I am so glad I kept them as it co forts me when I am feeling really down;
    He was actually a song writer many years ago he wrote the lyrics and his partner wrote the music, he also wrote stories and poetry, I think George and Ron (Georges brothers name by the way) would have got along.
    ❤️
     

    Attached Files:

  10. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi Again
    This is my little shrine for George, you can only post one photo at a time on this site, Or I am not doing it right?
    ❤️
     

    Attached Files:

  11. RLC

    RLC Active Member

    Christine, WOW! I think Ron and George were cut from the same mold. Such loving caring men. And that’s hard to find. You and I, we got lucky. I know Ron would say no I’m the lucky one and I bet George would too. They are so much the same. I can’t believe his brothers name is Ron! I feel the love for you through his text messages. Such a caring man. Just not fair. I love your shrine too! You two were perfect for each other. Just like Ron and I were. So many people still tell me they don’t know how we were together almost every minute of every day and still loved each other. To us it was just the opposite, we didn’t want to be apart. We had employees who told me, you know when you walk in the shop everything changes. I said what do you mean, they’d say Ron won’t even look at us until he has greeted you and gotten a kiss, it’s all about you. They said it in a genuinely nice way, as a compliment. The young ones would say their parents aren’t like that. The older ones would. How do two do it? Love, plane and simple. Made for each other. We saw each other for the very first time, May 26, 1974, on the corner that our house is on! He was with his cousin and I was with mine. We knew his cousin and we made plans to play bumper pool in my cousins basement. Ron and I were holding hands before the night was over. Very out of character for both of us. The rest is history. We knew that night we were made for each other.
    I kept his phone active, cause it comforts me. We were on the same plan and just felt right to keep it. I read through our messages often and there’s so many heart emojis.
    Here’s a picture of my shrine. Hope it looks ok. Kept saying it was too big.
    ❤️ 06E97C03-C2CF-4959-8373-F8496015802C.jpeg
     
  12. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi Robin
    Yes it’s incredible how alike our married
    Lives have been, I love your shrine The photos are lovely would love to see them a little clearer, How old were you when you got married? I am using his phone I just had it transferred into my name,I am using his Ipad as well, I am missing him soooo much Robin it physically hurts, Anyway I am going out now to buy a birthday card for a friend which will do me good, talk soon
    Christine ❤️
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Active Member

    I’m sorry I didn’t realize it wasn’t clear. I was 19 Ron was 21. I love that you’re using his phone and iPad! Ron was using his iPad when he started to feel sick. He put it down and ran into the bathroom. I haven’t moved it from where he placed it. I feel I can’t. I keep it charged but I don’t move it. I have guilt I didn’t jump up right away to check on him. I shouldn’t have guilt I called in to him shortly afterwards. But I should have sooner. I know it’s stupid.
    I’m glad you got out this evening. I went out too and did a little shopping with my daughter.
    I’m having trouble thinking straight. The one year mark feels so BAD!
    I’m going to try to relax. Teds sitting with me.
    Robin ❤️
     
  14. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi Robin
    We were even married at almost the same age, I was 17 George was 21, I too have a little guilt, I was with George in the hospital when he passed away, I was staying with him this was the 6 th day I slept on a pull out couch in his room , I went to bed around 9.30pm he was sleeping, At about 11.45pm I woke up and saw two nurses with flashlights and they were checking George, So I sat up and asked if he was ok, They told me his heartbeat was very weak and they said he will probably pass away very soon, I just sat there on my bed,I don’t know why I didn’t get up and go to him and hold his hand or something and within minutes he was gone, The thing is it. was that night that I told him he should go because I couldn’t stand to see him suffering anymore, I told him I loved him more than anything in the world and that I would always be with him, and that was it, At first I felt so relieved
    that he didn’t have to suffer anymore with the pain, but after awhile I was a basket case my daughter and Son came right away after I phoned them they had been at the hospital till around 9.00pm
    But I told them to go home. But I just wish I had gotten up and held his hand I just hope to God he knew I was there,
    Anyway hope you have a good night
    As good as it can be considering the circumstances, ❤️❤️
     
  15. RLC

    RLC Active Member

    Hi Christine,
    It’s crazy, the more we talk the more we realize how much our lives are similar. I understand how you feel some guilt, you shouldn’t but we can’t help it, it’s who we are and the love we had, actually we still have it. Our husbands are a part of us you and George and Ron and myself, we grew to be as one because of our love. I’ll tell you quick story of losing my Dad. I have 2 brothers and a sister. One brother was on a vacation and we called to tell him dad wasn’t doing well, we think you should get here. He made it back home in time and my brothers would stay with my dad til like 2 in the morning or the whole night. They had my Mom, myself and my sister go home and rest. The night my dad passed both my brothers told their dad who was unconscious, that it was ok to let go it’s ok we’ll take care of Mom. They told us they were going to tell my dad that, I couldn’t I just couldn’t do it, I knew I needed my dad and I was sure I’d die if he wasn’t with us. But I knew they were right. My dad had nonhodgkins lymphoma he had a very high tolerance for pain, but he was in pain. One brother left the hospital he was tired, my other brother stayed a little longer and he witnessed my dad blink his eyes ever so slightly and when asked dad can you hear me he squeezed his hand. More time passes my 2nd brother leaves. Couple hours later we get calls that dad isn't doing well and we should come to the hospital. I know many stories like this, their told it’s ok to let go and they wait til everyone is gone home or in your case has fallen asleep. Like they’ve heard it’s ok to go but don’t want the loved ones to have to experience it. You were there with him you should have zero guilt. ❤️ And I’m sure he knew you were with him.
    My guilt is from not jumping up sooner while he was feeling sick, but in all honesty I had no clue virus symptoms in men many times are the start of a massive heart attack. And then my second part of my guilt is when he was outside on the stretcher and he started yelling I love Robin I love Robin, many times but I never said I love you back to him. Why?? No idea but it kills me. I did go over to him right before they got him in the ambulance and touch his arm and say I’m not leaving you, I’m riding to the hospital with Stacey ( our daughter) and we will be with you. Know that we’re coming. He seemed to acknowledge what I said but he was getting worse fast. I was sure he was going to have surgery and be ok. I realized how dire the situation was when we got to the hospital and we were ushered in to our own private waiting area.
    And I shouldn’t have guilt either but I do. I can’t help it. But really, Ron knew I loved him more then life itself. What’s crazy is Ron used to say to me I love you so much Robin, I want to get on the roof and yell it, yell loud “I love Robin” I want the world to know it! He’s the best! We chose well, but the healing after their loss is so much more difficult.
    Sorry this got so long.
    I’m staying busy today, that helps me. Going to my daughters house to help her with some things. Some of what I’m helping her with is outside, it’s 27° Right now. Yikes!
    Hope you have a good day, I’ll check inas I can.
    Robin ❤️
    Wonder if on and George found each other. Just a thought.
     
  16. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi Robin
    You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty, Ron knew you loved him more than life itself! The same way I love George, that’s the thing the more deeply you love the longer you grieve, We were both so happy with our Husbands and lives we had so much Joy, But now because of that we have so much pain without them, It just doesn’t seem fare,
    I hope you have a wonderful time with your daughter today, do you mean it’s 27 degrees Fahrenheit so really cold, we don’t measure temperature in Fahrenheit we measure in Celsius it’s 3 degrees here in Vancouver this morning I think New York is 3 hours ahead of us,
    My daughter and her husband are coming for dinner tonight so I am looking forward to seeing them, Yes maybe George and Ron have found each other, you never know,
    Take care
    Christine ❤️❤️
     
  17. Nija

    Nija Member

    This statement is so true. When my husband passed away suddenly, I felt as though my whole world had fallen apart. Even now it will be 5 years
    November 28, 2019 this date is Thanksgiving this year. When my husband passed away it was the day right after Thanksgiving.
    I am still taking each day one day at a time and as the statement says" the loneliest walk you'll ever take is the one down the road of grief."
    I feel so lonely on certain days. I miss my husband so much. Some people just don't understand unless they have gone through it.
    I am very happy that I found this website. Thank you for this link.
     
  18. RLC

    RLC Active Member


    Hi Christine,
    Thank you! I know the guilt is foolish, I can’t help it though. Ron and I had what people strive for, I miss him so much! And I think, why didn’t I answer him?, George and you had the connection the marriage that I speak of, there’s nothing better. Yet the pain and grief , horrible!
    Yes I did mean 27°f. I think that would be -2-7°c. I might be wrong. But very cold. I was helping my daughter rake her yard and it was so cold. Then we brought bagged leaves to my house to winterize and protect a young Japanese maple tree. That’s one of the things Ron worked on the day he passed. Protectecting that tree from the harsh winter. I had given it to him as a gift on Fathers Day. My daughter and I tend to spend most our time doing chores and not doing things for ourselves. I was in quite a bit of pain after yesterday’s work, so we relaxed in the evening and decided to treat ourselves to dinner out today. Hope your dinner with your daughter and son-in-law was a nice evening for you. Is your daughter your oldest child? My daughter is. Looking forward to my son arriving on Saturday. He can’t stay long but at least I’ll see him and get one of his loving hugs!
    Christine, I hope you have a good day today, I have another busy day myself. But I won’t do as much as yesterday. Staying busy is good for me.
    Take Care, Robin ❤️
     
  19. RLC

    RLC Active Member

    Hi Nina,
    A loss of any kind is crippling, but you and I had the sudden loss. I personally feel with the sudden loss I can’t get my mind to wrap around what happened. No thoughts of this being a possibly had even entered my mind. My husband had no signs of any health issue at all. Zero! I keep going through our last day together and it was such a nice normal day. We bought everything for our Thanksgiving dinner and we were looking forward to that day. My husbands funeral was the day after Thanksgiving last year. So I don’t feel the love for Thanksgiving like my husband and I used to.
    I’d say people in general don’t understand what this loss feels like or does to a person. I’ve lost friends and sadly relatives too. The loneliness is debilitating. You’re coming up on 5 years! I feel your pain and I do understand how you feel, and people don’t understand you can’t put a time limit on grieving and mourning. I’ve told a relative I’m managing as best I can and living day to day, their reply was, still, really? That was at 7 months! I’m very thankful I found this site also. It has been cathartic for me. Glad you found it too and everyone else.
     
  20. RLC

    RLC Active Member

    Nija, Sorry, my iPad changed your name.