So much loss i am stuck

I am lost. In the past 4 months I feel like my life has shattered. Right before Christmas my husband and I were told we would never be able to have a child after trying for a very long time. A week later my mother went into the hospital and was very sick. We spent 3 months trying to find out what was happening. The whole time I was still trying to process what the doctors had told my husband and I and also watching my mom die. She went from the stubborn woman who wouldn’t go to the doctor to being told she has a very long list of terminal and acute life threatening problems at 59. She was gone 3 months later. They couldn’t find the cancer until 4 days before she passed when we were back in the hospital. Lung cancer that has spread everywhere. She only lived with that knowledge for 4 days. That I am thankful for. She was always so terrified of dying of lung cancer. Now I understand why. I watched her go from talking to going into cardiac arrest in a instant. And just like that she was gone. Holding my hand looking in my eyes and just gone. It was not peaceful, it was quick but not peaceful. My mother was single and I am an only child. She was not close with any of her family and I feel completely alone in my loss and grief for her.
My mother was in the hospital for 5 days at the end. The day she went into the hospital my grandmother on my fathers side passed away. She was 83 and also had cancer. Six hours after she passed my mother went into the hospital. The next day we were finally told that they had found a mass in her lungs and that it has spread everywhere and that we were very much on borrowed time. They were right and she was gone so quickly.
My fathers side of the family is much closer so my dad and his siblings traveled to be by my grandpa's side and support each other. I was not able to go see all the family and remember my grandmother like they were because I was very far away watching my mother die. I have not had the same support because I am the only one who really cared about my mother and was actually in her life.
I have nothing left. I am empty. I also don’t have life distractions that might be helpful right now. With all of this happening so stacked on top of each other I haven’t even begun to process how it all started just before Christmas. The loss of the idea of the family I wanted. The loss of my grandmother and ultimately the loss of my mother. I look at a photo of me and the 3 generations of women before me and realize there is no more life. They are all gone and it is just me.

 

I can only imagine what your going through! It’s got to be so very painful and like me so recent. I have no clue on the grief timeline when we’re in it it seems forever. I along with you am totally lost. I put one foot in the other act stoic for the rest of the family but feel like I’m slowly dying. I can relate to your story we have to deal I guess day by how I’m not sure that’s why I’m here. I hope every minute gets better for you

 

Jess, it must be almost unbearable to you to have to deal with so many losses all on top of each other. Even one loss is difficult. Sorry for the grief and pain you are bearing. Let God help carry that heavy load. Love to you. Chris

 

I am so sorry to hear of all the losses you have had. Hearing that you cannot have a child must be devastating - my heart goes out to you and I will pray for you and your husband. I’ve also lost many people recently - my two sisters, my husband of 56 years four months ago and this past week my brother. I am having a really difficult time - My grief is just terrible - I perk up and act just fine when I am out with people but as soon as I come home the sadness hits me like a ton of bricks. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life feeling this pain, so I’m praying that God will make me strong enough to bear it. I feel like I am burdening my children with my grief so I am trying to tough it out. This site helps so much in just being able to express what we’re going through so I hope you continue to be on here - there are many people who have been through what you’ve been through and can comfort you.