1. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    There are common statements and topics posted on this site. The big ones are dealing with people who don't understand and are so uncomfortable with pain. The book It's is OK that you're are not OK. Deals with that topic and the author Megan Devine put some very well thought out sociological and cultural commentary that I have found useful. This book came to my attention from Michele Wood a grief poster I came to know on this site. I have tremendous respect for her. I would encourage anyone to go back and read her if for nothing else her tone of voice. Loneliness, the sense of being lost, pain, disorientation, are all topics or threads that could be discussed. The lack of sleep and days of insomnia we all have experienced. I will qualify a bit. My first three months I could not read. I will always say I do not live grief it lives me. At any stage, I could not have been any different. Many of the symptoms were what I would guess to have had a concussion. Forgetfulness, memory, unable to perform logic sequence and this list can go on. The topic that is often discussed is a sleep disorder. I have scheduled a sleep apnea consultation. I have used clonazepam, A form on Niquill for sleep, heavy exercise, and some limited alcohol, some pain pills. Sometimes separate or in combination. Also, cut back on stimulants, like coffee or nicotine. I have used melatonin and sleepy time herbal tea. My sister had watched a documentary that addresses this topic. Examples from her input are a dark room, sleep only in the bedroom, time out from electronics for a period of time prior to going to bed. There are more but I don't remember. My latest is banana, organic, sliced into rounds and boiled. Drink the tea and you may or may not also eat the boiled banana rounds. The idea is the magnesium and potassium will relax you enough for better sleep. Many "guests" come and go here. Some people read with no comments. I get that many are so drowning in grief that is all they have at present. I would request some interaction on either other ideas or if any of these were tried and people report back. We are all in the same boat, are we not? The more pharma and laboratory built sleep aid generally leave me dehydrated and hung over the next morning. So hence the more natural products. best to us all!!!
     
  2. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Forgot to mention Yoga. I take three classes a week. It is for over age fifty and over and light, gentle stretching type. Is it beneficial, Yes? It includes deep breathing, a series of postures and stretching to release tension. Each posture works on combinations of muscle groups. Life, in general, has stress and our bodies store that stress. Our minds also can magnify our life challenges in a negative way. Again stored in our body. Dr, Bessel van der Kolk has a book, " The Body Keeps the Score ". His work is on the effects of trauma and research into PTSD. A lot of his work is brain function and chemistry. My wife's long battle with cancer was horrific. My role as her caretaker and loving husband, that experience was the hardest thing I have ever done. We all know the sorrow of loss. That pain and the healing will be both resolved on its own over time. But also with the best tools and intentional use of those tools to facilitate our recovery. Up to the very end, she wanted to live and always thru her life did an exemplary job of living. There was that moment when she knew there was no tomorrow and she had to accept the end. The process of surrender and the preparation to leave is still so vivid in my mind. I do what we all do feel heartbreak and weep.
     
  3. Achelois2109

    Achelois2109 New Member

    Hi Paul,
    Amazing, I read exactly the same books. I have a lot of respect for Megan Devine, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I can feel your pain. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through. I have lost my niece in a tragic homicide at the end of July 2018. I will never forget the day my mom told me she is gone. My family is spread over 3 continents. Europe, the Middle East and my brother and my niece plus some extended family in Canada. I didn't make it to the funeral. I won't get into all the details, but thee was not enough time for me to fly from Germany to Canada, it killed me. I don't know who I am anymore, sometimes I feel I am going insane, have had the same things you describe here, memory loss, inability to focus, insomnia and more. Clonazepam is my best friend sometimes. I have advanced knowledge in psychiatry and trying to be careful with those,

    Magnesium helps a lot. Make sure it is Magnesium Bisglycinate or Glycinate, The others do not absord as well as this one in the body. Two before bedtime would help me sleep at some point. Then there is L-Theanine supplement. Did the same at some point, but started stimulating me instead later. If you want, feel free to drop me a private message. We are in the same boat. I feel heartbreak and weep too.
     
  4. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Achelois thanks for the pharmacological report. Yes, our sense of self and well-being. I meet people and what they say or do is so confusing. I will as it where like a pinball machine go to tilt if pushed too hard. It can be overload to explain to our selves that thing that produced that event. I have spent months and hours asking why Kay did not get the medical procedure in 2009. She would be here most likely today. I am mostly to an understanding of maybe 80% and is most likely as close as I will get. Then as a wise woman suggested. Focus on the gifts you were given and I do.
     
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Really both with not sleeping at all or sleep that is not of great quality. I did a sleep apnea test on Sunday. Woke up in the middle with three hours and with some pill aid was able to log six hours and that is the needed time for enough data and insurance will participate should a device be needed. A short story made longer is I am trying so many avenues of repair.
     
  6. Didee

    Didee Member

    Paul, I have tried both pharmaceuticals and herbal remedies for the sleep loss. I am currently using 30 mg of melatonin a 1/2 an hour before bedtime. I went back to work full time 2 weeks after my husband's death, but found it very hard to get back into my normal sleep pattern. I am 8 months into this new normal and feel like I am permanently sleep deprived. I get my best sleep on the weekends now that I am going to our boat. Maybe I need a rocking bed at home. I can relate to your loss of the ability to read it took me 6 months before I could read anything and retain it. I spent those 6 months listening to books on Audible. I think the best thing I have done for my overall well being is to participate in a Spousal Loss Support Group run by our local hospice. I still have flashbacks about Dave's year long struggle with Esophageal Cancer but they are subsiding on their own. It helped to know that I was not the only one experiencing them. I wish you nights of sleep and days of peace.
     
  7. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Didee great response. Nice, you have some humor intact, rocking bed!! I did go to a sleep apnea clinic with results pending. The doctor and I did discuss melatonin in the lower 3mg range but her advice was a small percentage of people actually have the brain disorder of not knowing when to sleep. I like your term the new normal. That is where we are. Thanks for the mention on the reading. As you say it is welcome to know some of our state of being is shared with others. I do better with Audio vis youtube. Groups may be the ticket. Ours meets on the second Saturday. I could use notes or the computer calendar to remember. Yes, the decline of our person. I to grieve that, especially in the recounting to others or some trigger. I am resigned to weeping over all that. Good post. Thanks.