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Should I really be able to do challenges?

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by CarolC, Sep 17, 2018.

  1. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    My husband was my rock. He did everything for me and took care of everyone. He could do anything - plumbing, construction, mechanic, the list goes on. Basically, if it needed to be done, he would find a way to do it, for anyone he met. Well, he was killed in a wreck a little over a month ago, at 53 years old. Whenever I'm presented with a challenge, everyone tells me that I can do whatever. Right now I'm having toilet hanging issues. Everyone keeps telling me it's really easy to fix and they're sure I can fix it. I'm sure a year ago I could have fixed it, maybe even a year from now. I'm sure physically I'm capable of fixing the problem but I shouldn't have to. My husband should still be here with me and it should not be a problem, he would have already taken care of it. Should I really be capable of dealing with challenges like this right now? All I want to do is crawl in bed and cry. I can't even wrap my brain around the idea of taking my toilet apart, going to the store and buying the pieces needed, and then coming home to put them back together. That's just exhausting.
     
    Boze and LindaH like this.
  2. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    DON'T EVEN TRY! Hire someone Grief is exhausting
     
  3. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Thank you Michelle. I was beginning to think that I should be stronger than I feel. I've read some articles about the stages of grief and I know I'm in limbo between Denial and Anger but when I posted on facebook what was wrong with my water issues, I got tons of people telling me, "you got this" and I just wanted to scream, "NO I DON"T! I don't 'got' anything right now!"
     
  4. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    They DON"T know because they are not grieving. They are trying to deny you your right to grieve in your own way.

    A book I got from Amazon- if you enjoy reading- is It"s ok that you are not ok by Megan Devine. Published in 2017' she calls grieving the widest of love. She throws out stages, which were intended for hospice patients not survivors by Ross.

    She lost her partner in a drowning accident in 2009. She is a clinical psychologist herself. Check it out b/c she addresses a lot o f the issues you, I and others talk about here.

    That titles may not be exact
     
  5. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Thank you again Michelle. I'll check out that book.
     
  6. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your husband. Whether you should take on challenges like this depend on the type of person you are and how you feel. For some people, doing things like household repairs will occupy their time and give them some sense of satisfaction in getting a task done. For others, they simply can't conjure up the energy.
     
  7. LindaH

    LindaH Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you lost your husband Carol.

    My husband was my world. He was my missing piece.

    I had people tell me that I was stronger than I realized. What does that even mean? Never did figure it out.
    Its been two years and five months. Yes I did figure out how to do some things. He did everything so I never had to learn how to fix the computer or change the filter in the furnace....are two things I can think of just now. I did learn how to fix the computer issues but when certain things need done I have a great neighbor who is also my cousin. Grieving is an exhausting thing. So if you do not feel like doing something ask a friend or hire someone. Take care of yourself.
     
  8. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Thank you Sciguv and Linda,
    I was typically a fixer. If there's a problem, I immediately start searching for a solution. Right now it seems like all of my energy goes towards remembering to eat, sleep and breathe. Add to that working, babysitting my granddaughters, and making sure my household is running and I'm exhausted. I kept saying that I would call the plumber from work to come look at it and everyone kept insisting that I could fix it myself. I guess they still think of me as the "fixer". It made me feel so weak and overwhelmed. When I get like this, my daughter says I need to change my mindset to be more positive. Then I get either angry or into a deeper depression.
    Thank you all for helping me feel like my crazy is at least understandable.
     
    Boze likes this.
  9. Shockey8053

    Shockey8053 New Member

    Everything about what has happened is exhausting. I lost my sons father to an overdose over a year ago and it’s exhausting sometimes being a single mother, he should be here and I get so mad that he’s not. It never seems to go away but the bad times see to be farther apart than in the beginning but it’s so hard to move on and go on without them.
     
  10. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Shockey8053, One of my first grateful thoughts was, "at least my kids are grown". I couldn't imagine trying to raise a child in this grief. I have my granddaughters around most of the time, since they live with me, but I still have the power to say, "go tell/ask your mom".
    Thank you for the hope that some day it will be better, eventually.
     
  11. Cathy H.

    Cathy H. Member

    CarolC it's so weird my first great challenge was also a bathroom fix it. My husband could fix anything around the house. The shower curtain bar kept coming down during my showers. Water would go every where. I kept putting the bar up and it wouldn't stay. I bought 2 different new ones and they would fall down too. I would start to cry in frustration and even scream in anger because I couldn't take care of such a simple thing. Also pitied myself because I couldn't even enjoy a simple shower. After 1 month of frustration and wet towels soaking on the floor, I finally got a shower bar with good suction and it stayed. It's 1 year now since my husband's sudden death, (married 28 years) and I can't believe how that shower curtain bar, devastated me and would set me off on a crying binge. I think in hind set it was therapeutic and a release. I'm learning to count my blessing now even though I still have many challenges being alone. My crying is for shorter periods of time. I am sad, but not depressed and I fight hard for that status, one day at a time. Hang in there, challenges get easier, or how we react to them does, and I'm learning not to feel guilty when I master the challenges. That's another issue to work out. Grief is always changing and exhausting. Give yourself a break.
     
    LindaH likes this.
  12. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    A book I am reading, It is ok if you are not ok, by Megan Devine talks about this. She says that y ou getting triggered o v er the show e r bar had probably been building for a time and it came down was the last straw.

    Devine is a therapist who lost her partner of 5 years in a drowning ]accident in 2009. She sees it from both sides
     
  13. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Thank you Cathy. I talked to my daughter tonight about the episode. She said she was just concerned that I'd sink into a depressed helplessness and not be able to get back out. She knows me as a strong, stubborn woman who never backed down from a challenge. I explained that I know I could have done it a year ago, and am hoping that I could do it a year from now but right now I'm just so angry that I have to do it that I couldn't even focus on what had to be done.
     
  14. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I bought the book. From what I've read, which isn't even the whole first chapter, it sounds exactly like what I'm going through. Unfortunately, I can't focus enough to read much at a time. At least it's there to turn to when I feel like I'm going crazy.
     
  15. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    That is what I do, too. Some of her prose is poetic, sonetimes TOO poetic. Yet there is great wisdom in what she says. I think what makes her different from other such books is she is not only professionally trained but has lost a much beloved partner as well so she is able to advocate for us grievers in a profound way .
     
  16. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I still can't believe how bad this hurts. He was my light in the world, the only person that truly cared about me. I take care of people and things all day and now no one is here to take care of me. I work all day, caring for the students in my classroom, helping my co-workers and admin as much as I can. I come home and start taking care of my children and grandchildren. Everyone is looking for me to do something. No one is stepping up to take care of anything, unless they are told or asked. I'm running errands for everyone, I'm supposed to make sure we have food on the table, I'm packing everything for the move, I'm paying the bills. My son tells me to just let him know what I need, and he'll do it later. My daughter promises to help, but doesn't. They are both adults. My poor granddaughters try to help but they're so young they really can't. My mother comes over and watches me do it all and then takes gas money for coming over to audience. Everyone says it will get better but it just seems to be getting worst.
     
  17. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I dob't know whar is worst: having family members who promise to help but don't and letting all the burdens falling to you or being absolutely alone with no one promising but everything falling to the grieving one.

    They both suck!
     
  18. Rickswife

    Rickswife Member

     
  19. Rickswife

    Rickswife Member

    My husband died August 24th, the day after my birthday and I’ve barely crawled out of my hole. We would have celebrated our 32nd anniversary October 15th. I have a 3 sons that are thankfully helping me but I’m so embarrassed to tell them that that their father didn’t fix the master bathroom toilet.(he was very sick) It’s broken and disgusting.
     
  20. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I was embarrassed by my whole house that hadn't gotten fixed and for asking for help. That has been very challenging, learning to ask for help. But, I have learned that you have to ask, some people want to help but aren't sure how.