Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Sad and angry are normal emotions for us. The mixture of all these feelings, regrets and tragedy are too much to wrap up into one feeling.

 

thank you sue m. i'm still thinking about him, wishing i had tried to contact him before over the years, just to see how he was doing. But he never crossed my mind since 1968. I still dont know why it was so important that I find his photo in 2021, which I had thrown away and now regret. It bugs me that I cant remember what he looked like. Just flashes of memories. I want to call his wife and ask her questions, how was his life, was it OK? Kinda pathetic. Why didn't I care that I left him in 1968? I never regretted it but now in 2021 I feel that I treated him badly and somehow I selfishly think I ruined his life. Which I'm sure I didnt. Anyway, thnks

 

There is no easy reason for why we are missing them besides they brought something to our lives we didn't know we wanted/needed. We were very fortunate to know them in our lives. The picture thing is hard. I wish I had one too. Do you happen to know his wife or any of his family or friends? Your thinking is NOT pathetic at all. Its completely normal

 

I hope you can find something! There is also Ancestry and Newspapers.com and similar sites for those. You would have to pay but the Ancestry is pretty neat to find your family stuff and maybe even some of her and her family.

 

I can relate to everything you are feeling. I don’t even remember what I felt like before I found out he died, but I know I chose not to contact him. Now I would contact him in a heartbeat if I could. It’s a strange and painful feeling. I’m sorry you don’t have the picture you want, but it’s really the memory of your love that is the most real. Ugh. It’s so hard.

 

Sometimes I want to vent and then not sure if Im repeating myself on here, so if so Im sorry but today Im just mad about it all. I was at my moms this weekend and took the walk to where he lived which only took a few min at most so that was hard, but I also think realistically (once in a while) and know that at that time I would have probably not gone there cause I would have been scared/nervous. I had lost touch with my friends at that time that knew him so it would have just been me and I know myself and I would have chickened out, unless maybe he was outside, but its so hard still doing the what ifs when its just not possible in anyway at all. How I can think he could have been the one knowing all I know about him I dont think that could have been. I was married and divorced while he lived there so it would have been 2000-2001 when I would have tried to get in touch with him but I was in my own crazy world from the divorce. I have so many outcomes bad and good that I think of about it all. I could have gotten involved in bad things if I did reconnect, but then I like to think maybe I could have helped him in some way. Even thinking if he hung out with me even a couple times that would have been a couple times he could have maybe stayed away from drugs and maybe he would have lived longer, but I know it doesnt work that way, but in my mind I cant help but think about that. Ok Im done venting (for now) Thanks guys

 

Yeah, I’m having a hard time remembering anything negative about being with him or any feelings I had of wanting to end my relationship with him. It’s weird. You are right though, there are reasons we chose not to get back in touch. I often look at a map of the U.S. that hangs in the copy room where I work and look at how relatively close our towns are to each other compared to the whole country or even compared to the state of PA. It makes my heart ache. I’m glad you brought up that once in awhile you “think realistically”, because the reality is I didn’t want to visit him or contact him most of all the years we were out of touch. I thought about maybe contacting him but my intuition said no. I thought about him a lot but I also spent most of the time not thinking about him.

I think the reason for the sudden feelings of regret are obviously related to his death, but also I’ve been thinking about the strange way memory works. He has always been a part of my psyche, but kept the place of someone in my past. Now it’s as if no time has passed and I still love him obsessively. I’m having trouble explaining it.

Anyway, thinking realistically may be part of letting go and accepting. I’m afraid to let go, but I have to remember, I will never forget him, so if I let go it’s not the same as forgetting about him. The harder I try to get close to him, receive “signs” or messages, the more frustrated, angry and resentful I feel.

Thanks for venting, it always helps.

 

This is the place to vent. It's what this topic is all about.

We all have a lot of information we can get if we could be in touch with the people we knew long ago. It is normal to loose track of most of the people you knew back then. I did reach out to one of them, and he did provide my with some information. I found him on Facebook. If some of these people are on Facebook I think it would be worth contacting them. Worst case scenario is they will not answer you, and you will be exactly where you are now. You won't loose anything. Having said that, finding out "all the facts" may unsettle you more. I think it is best to focus on your own memories with him, and the love you feel.

The "what ifs" will just not help you now. You can't change history. Not dwelling on that will move you closer to acceptance, your next step in processing this pain. Love the memories and experiences that were part of your history with him.

 

The crazy part is I know alot about what hes done from his criminal record and it didnt make me think any less of him. He didnt kill anyone, so its really not even anything that would have kept me from seeing him if I knew. I did find a couple people in the beginning but I didnt know them well, and they didnt seem interested in continuing to talk to me. True, the what ifs do nothing All we have is knowing /hoping we see them again after we are gone somehow.

 

I did that with maps too looked up where he lived growing up compared to where my grandma lived 10 min away then he moved and we were 20-30 min from eachother when we met and had the same street name, then he moved 2 blocks from me. Yes, the memories work in mysterious ways. It is hard to explain to anyone else but to eachother on here. The last time I saw him I remember thinking it was odd how different it was then when we first met. I didnt have those strong feelings at the time I was just really happy we were still in eachothers lives and was so happy he wanted me around. So remembering that and how I feel now, how could my feelings get stronger again AFTER the last time I saw him!? I am so glad you brought up letting go is different than forgetting about them. Thats a hard one to take in but it is a fact. Sometimes its amazing how we can say something on here that seems little but hits home to one another so much. Its all so amazing

 

I agree with this. I am unsettled when I’m obsessively reading up on him. When I focus on my own memories, I feel the love more, and I feel closer to him, and my soul feels more calm. I’m sure I won’t stop the obsessive “research”, but I need to find a balance.

 

Also, when I’m obsessing about what he was doing in the years we were out of touch, I question what we had together, but when I just focus on my memories, I know what we had.

 

C’mon, someone say something!

 

After I heard Linda died I was also obsessed about what she was doing during the short life she had after high school. It hurt me that I knew nothing about those 10 brief years she had. Finally I screwed up the courage to ask one of my classmates who I knew was close to her. What I found out sounded pretty rough. But I only have fairly sketchy details.

This made me think I did not know her very well at all. But of course, I only knew her during high school. My only context of remembering her were those years I knew her. And I find comfort in remembering the good experiences I had. There were also so bad experiences, but in a more mature retrospect, they were trivial. Focusing on those sweet memories is what keeps us from sinking into total grief.

 

I was thinking these thoughts yesterday! I didn't know him at all besides a couple years on and off when he was 16 to 18 . I even thought about the stupid fights and how that was kid shit and not important. He was around for 11 years after I last saw him. He was in and out of jail til 2000 which was the year his dad died and there is no arrests for the last 3 years so makes me think maybe he was trying to grow up, but the drugs didnt stop. You are so right we need to focus on the wonderful memories which are all the reasons we miss them so much because we were lucky to have those.

 

We have almost identical experiences. I knew Linda my junior and senior year of high school. She was 1 grade behind me. Things got tense when she was in love with someone else, and I did not want to let go. Everyone has seen that movie, so you know how it went. Then after high school I never saw here again. For a long time after high school I thought she would never want to see me again, but that was just me immaturity speaking. I so deeply regret not becoming a good friend to her. She would have needed all the friends she could get.

I went through 5 decades considering her a past love, a sweet memory, and had a sincere hope that she was having a good life. I hoped we could meet again just to see how she was doing, and how her life turned out. Exchange pictures of our kids and so on. And now I find out that she was dead all that time. Did not even make it to her 10 year high school reunion, which was 2 months after she died.

It is great to have someone to talk to about this. I do try and focus on the great memories, and not think about the negative ones. And I am mostly successful. Having these memories be 50 years old does help a bit in putting it in perspective. But the sorrow of what happened to poor sweet Linda is something I'm afraid I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

 

I think its a beautiful thing that after all this time you remember her so well. They do say only the good die young and I think most of that is true. It is so nice we can relate to eachother. It does break my heart to know how close to the 10 yr reunion was for her. Sometimes we may think of the negative just so the positive memories dont hurt so much (trying to trick ourselves) but that never works. You are fortunate to have a photo of her and I know you said the town looks different and rebuilt but even looking at the area on google may bring back some good times for you

 

I try as hard as I can to try and focus only on the good memories, but you are right...there are "good days" and "bad days". Yesterday as a very bad day. Today was a fairly good day. I believe when I try to talk myself out of grieving by concentrating on the enormous amount of time it has been since high school, when I knew her, that it makes a bad day worse. Given it was, in human terms, a whole adult lifetime since I saw her, it does not assuage the grief. The core is that she got cheated out of life. Dying at such a young age. That is what breaks my heart. I have had 2 girls that I was fond of or in love with that have died. At my age it is to be expected. But this is completely different.

 

Having a hard couple days. Sounds ridiculous to anyone else that's not in here but 31 yrs ago today was when I lost my virginity to him. The Anniversary dates of anything bring the strong emotions back. He always told me Ill never forget him cause he was my first. Didn't realize how true that would be

 

Wow! I can’t believe you remember the exact date. He sounds like a genuinely kind and decent guy, and in that respect you are fortunate to have the memory of him being your first. I share that same experience with my memory of my first time with mine. He was also decent and gracious about a couple embarrassing moments I had as a result of being too drunk.

I’m glad you posted. I check here daily. I’ve been having a hard time. Just feeling a heaviness in my soul. Thinking about death and that he probably doesn’t know I’m thinking of him, visiting his grave etc. I believe people we love live on in us, but this is the first time I’ve ever really wanted contact with someone. I want to connect with him spiritually and I’m full of doubt that it’s even possible. Sorry to be so dark, but that is my state of mind lately.