Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

You won’t forget

 

I think you will know what to do when you’re there. I am wondering whether to take the rocks I left and replace them with new ones. I have some I made for the winter, but I never got around to going because of all the snow. When I finally returned in early spring, I was surprised to see my original rocks were still there. I may switch them out and keep a couple of the original ones (a heart and a peace sign) under a new tree we planted in our yard.

When I read the long letters I had written him, I needed to get rid of them. I burned one (thinking it would be part of letting go...ha!), and I tore the other one into tiny pieces to toss in a local river I frequent (I know that’s technically littering). I wanted to see the pieces swirl and submerge and resurface as they floated down the river, but when I threw them, the wind blew them back on the muddy bank and I had to slide down the mud to flick them into the river with a stick, all while trying to avoid anyone on the trail seeing me. At least it took my mind off the pain for awhile.

 

Thats interesting how the wind blew the pieces, when a friend of ours passed away at 39 the 1 yr Anniversary we took balloons and wrote on them and went to lake and I guess it as so cold (November) we let go of the balloons and they fell right on the frozen lake. It was dissapointing at first, BUT we took it as she would have thought that was hilarious. Maybe you could look at it that way. Makes it nice to find some laughter in all the pain if you can

 

wow I thought I was losing my mind bc of my sudden obsessive thoughts about my long ago boyfriend. I left him in 1968 to make a life with another man I had just met. I heard that he was devastated. But I never gave him a thought, even threw away my only photo of him years later. Then a few months ago I googled him and found his obituary; he passed in 2013. I researched everything I could find about him, even FB'd his sons. Got no reply. I know I made the right decision to leave: he married, never left his home state, died after long illness, etc. I went on to have a crazy life but ended up with the most wonderful husband and a great life. Still that young man I knew at 18-19 years old will not leave my mind. I can't remember exactly what he looked like or how he sounded, and my memories of what we did are spotty. Until I found this forum I didnt realize I'm grieving, over him and my selfish younger self.I even thought of contacting his wife and asking her for a photo but that seemed a little creepy. I'm at the ending part of my lifespan, so what does it matter that I can't recall him? I guess I just need to go thru the grief to get to the other side of it and put it in the past. Thanks for this forum.

 

No there is no way to know, but nature wastes nothing. It simply transforms things. So I am quite sure are loved ones are in a higher plane, and I am quite sure they somehow feel us. I sense her sometimes.

 

Thinking of you today
❤️

 

Hi Bonnie! I am so happy you joined this thread. If it matters to you, it matters 100%

Thank you so much! It really means alot!

 

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I was surprised how devastated and heartbroken I was when I learned he passed away. It’s a different kind of grief then I’ve ever experienced, and this is the only place I have found where people understand and are experiencing the same thing. The strong love we had is a huge part of my story and is part of me forever. The amount of time that has passed is irrelevant. It’s the memory of him that is the most real. I’m not saying that we’re not “losing our minds”, but we are not alone and we are going through a human experience. Thanks for posting.

 

Welcome to this forum Bonnie. We are here to listen. And I know full well that having someone to talk to about it is priceless. Your friends and family cannot really provide you with anything useful. Unless they have experienced all this it would be like talking to a wall.

We are all going through the same thing. The grief, regrets and obsessive thoughts. How I wish I could have done things different with Linda. But I always keep in mind that there is nothing so useless and self destructive than fretting over things you did as a teenager 50 years ago. Just accept your grief, know that it is normal, and try to channel that grief into the loving thoughts and memories you have of him. You are, in fact, honoring his memory. He is not forgotten.

The long time that has gone by since you knew him does not and should not temper your feelings. It would take a very cold person not to have these feelings and cherish his memory. But recognize that these things happened way back at the other end of your life, and you have done a lot of living since then. By accepting your grief, and keeping it in perspective of what the rest of your life and experiences will make you cope with it and help you move toward acceptance.

By the way, I think it would be alright to contact his wife and explain that you were a dear friend way back in the past and you just found out he died. Wanting a picture of him to honor his memory is not an unreasonable request. I don't think she would see it as creepy. And if she does not respond, or if she says no, what have you lost? Nothing.

Bless you Bonnie.

 

The card was gone, but I found a couple small pieces of the envelope close by. Of course I was thinking oh no someone saw it and got mad and ripped it up, but kept the flowers there, so I told my friends about it and a much simpler and more likely explanation they gave was the mower could have gotten it. If it has been sitting for a couple months and was wet and it fell out of the flowers that def could have happened. So I did leave a simple I miss you card without any info about me. Sat there for about an hour and a half cleaning around his grave, listening to songs, and just missing him. Wed is the 18 yr anniversary so I will go back there again

 

Thank u for yr kind words. Yu have brought me some peace!

 

Tomorrow is the 18 yr anniversary of his passing. All I can think about today is today was his last day on earth 18 years ago. Just talking on here cause I can. Ill post how everything goes tomorrow. I just really hope someone else thinks about him tomorrow Im sure his mom will, but would be nice to know others do visit him.

 

That sounds like a nice memorial. He will never be forgotten. He will always live on in your heart and memory. Funny how our minds work...that you would think someone was mad and tore up your note. I would have probably jumped to the same conclusion.

I clean around the grave too. And his parents are right next to him. His dad died 26 years after his mom and they are buried together with an engraving that says “together forever”.

 

Anyone who loves him will remember him. People have different ways of grieving and remembering. It might not be on the anniversary of his death. That might be painful for his mom. But I’m sure she has her ways of honoring his memory. I’m sure if she sees the beautiful things you leave, she will be happy that someone cares about him and thinks about him.

I took off Thursday with the plan of visiting his grave again. I’ve been very depressed and heavy-hearted, and I’m not really sure why I’m still doing this. Other than it made me feel close to him before and I felt a connection. Now it feels more like I’m trying to stay with that feeling and not let go. I’ve been crying a lot. I’ve never had this hard of a time letting go and accepting a death.

 

Thank you. Yes some people find it hard to go. For me it beings peace. I've done that with my grandma and dad. Just sitting there as physically close as you can be and talking helps. That may be why you go. ( We are so much alike it probably is the reason lol) . I 100% understand the feeling of trying to feel worse to feel better about thinking of him. Sounds weird that way but actually makes sense.

 

My emotions today so far are not what I thought. Im more numb than I imagined and Im mad. I know anger is a part of grief but I don't like this feeling. I also have to remember Im the only one (that I know) going thru this 18 yeats later. Everyone else probably felt this way at the time he passed. Just going to be venting on here on and off today.

 

I know about the anger and numbness. It stinks but I guess we just have to go through all the different emotions. I used to drink through my emotions. I read about grief so I know that’s what this is, but I never really experienced it in this way before. What music did he like? What songs do you listen to with him?

 

He liked Rap. Not words I like to play at the cemetery lol. Angel by Aerosmith was myb song to him. He would say he's not anything close to an Angel but to me he was mine. i have a playlist i play.Drivers License is a huge one for me too. We grew up in the suburbs and I have passed his house and cried so very fitting. Tina Turner Simply The Best is very emotional for me lately too. Thank you for talking with me today. I need this

 

I used to drink through my emotions to ease the pain after my daughter died. It only makes it worse. I am glad that I no longer drink, because the pain and regret I am feeling over Linda would go completely out of control under that roller coaster the booze causes. Look to yourself and the love you have for him to address your pain. It's going to take a while. But know there is nothing bad or abnormal about love. It really says something good about yo.

 

I think I got some closure. I feel it but Im not overly happy about it. I talked to him out loud, maybe that helped. I'm taling a break.from.gping to.visit for a little while just cause I think I need to give myself an emotional break at least a little bit. . I will go back.no doubt! Just don't know when. They took a vase of flowers away. Guess rules are one vase per grave. Thats stupid cause what if more than one person come visit? Anyway, Im so thankful for you guys and I'm always here for you like you are for me.