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Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Rob67, May 15, 2020.

  1. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Yep
     
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  2. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I always feel better when I come on here :) Such great therapy :) I think Ive been trying to find a way to keep him alive in my mind but I think Im finally maybe realizing he is gone now they say acceptance is part of it but I dont like that part. I know it was years that I thought of everything and then that all coming back at the same time I found out he is gone was just so much at one time. Maybe its not and its just not AS hard as when I first found out. Just sucks all the way around.
     
  3. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    I’ve been going on Facebook (created a fake profile just to stalk) and looking at his friends posts to see the ones he commented on or liked. Sometimes I feel close to him doing that, but often it’s just tiring on my eyes and leaves me wanting to know more. Sometimes it makes me feel better, but often it makes me feel worse. I deleted my real Facebook account about 6 years ago on New Year’s Eve. I don’t think I’m ready to delete this one because I can still look for his friends posts that he may have commented on, and I can also see pictures of him on his memorial page.
     
  4. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    I miss the time when I first found out he died, and my close friends listened to me cry and helped me process the pain. Also I was corresponding with his sister. I had a burst of creativity and was writing to him, writing poems, painting rocks every night, and dreaming about him. My emotions were intense. Now I feel alone and somewhat numb but still think about him all day every day. Don’t want to let go.
     
  5. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I understand that feeling! The dark scary part of the grieving is really hard and like you said intense. It makes you feel alot closer because all the thoughts are back and seem so new and still so real, then time goes by and you start to process it all and it feels like so long ago and you are starting to accept it and that hurts even more. You can still be creative and write to him if it helps you. People will not understand and thats ok. Everyone goes thru things others don't understand but it isn't wrong at all. Keep talking to the ones that are here to listen and want to know how you feel and let it all out... right here! <3
     
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  6. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

  7. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    That is the very hardest part. Having someone to talk to.
     
    alwaysme likes this.
  8. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Yes. I hope for you that somehow someday you will find someone to talk to, some way to feel connected. You started this conversation and space for all of us and I am grateful for you.
     
  9. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    You are the ones I talk to. I think talking to someone who has not gone through it would be kind of pointless now.
     
  10. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    We are here for eachother. I do wonder how many other people think like us, but they are too afraid to share how they feel. I did see the other day on Facebook a lady looking for an old boyfriend she didnt see for the past 17 years and someone told her he passed away, so there are many out there, they just don't talk about it. We are so lucky like Alwaysme says, that you started this conversation and gave us a safe place to vent, talk, and just be us. I also thank you for that!
     
  11. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    I think you are right. A lot of people are reading this thread. I encourage anyone who is suffering with this kind of grief to participate. It does feel better when you can talk about your pain.

    If you have been reading this thread you have seen that the time that has gone by is not relevant. Your pain is real, and many many people are suffering from it.
     
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  12. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Do you ever think about them so much that you forget they passed away? Sometimes you confuse your memories with your daydreams
     
  13. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Well I often feel closer to him and think about him way more (obsessively) than before I learned of his passing, so that’s confusing. It’s hard to fathom he’s gone.

    I once dreamed that I ran into him and wondered if he saw the rocks I left at his grave.

    I had a really hard day yesterday, was back feeling intense emotional pain like the pain I felt in the first few weeks of finding out he passed away. I felt like my guts and heart were being ripped out. Today is a little better, and I was happy and relieved to see you had posted something here.
     
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  14. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    I have memories that sometimes preoccupy me. But the memories are 50 years old. Sometimes I can't tell if the are real memories or just "stories". But when I reminisce like that I do feel closer to her.
     
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  15. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I like that I dont have to second guess about sharing my thoughts on here. Can be completely open with you guys and I love it. It helps tremendously. Ive been listening to rap songs cause they make me feel closer to him. Just from how I remember him it makes me feel closer yet more upset and sad and a bit angry about it all. I think its cause I know Im going to the cemetary Sat its bothering me again like it did before . I feel like Im going to finally see him but Im not its nothing different. Hes so much on my mind I feel like he did just pass recently and some thoughts were real but I know they werent. Alot of thinking of what I wish happened. I wish I ran into him at some point again, I wish I knew what he looked like, so many things. I saw him last when he was 18 now its been 18 years since hes passed (May 26) I just wish I could have told him I would always love him unconditionally. I dont know if I should remove the card and the notes I wrote him that I left with my email at the grave. They could have faded anyway with all the rain. I dont know what to do with them if I do take them away either. I wonder if anyone would visit him still on the anniversary of his death. I wonder if his mom went there for Mothers Day or if its too hard for her. I just never ever want to forget him but its also so hard always thinking of him.
     
  16. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    We are sharing the same thoughts. It is good to know I am not alone. I have deep regrets that I did not make an effort to keep in touch. I never saw her again after high school. I was not there to comfort and support her in her time of need.

    Since it has been 38 years since she passed, I wonder if I am the only one who remembers her and has these deep feelings. Except for an occasional remembrance, it is likely everyone else filed her away decades ago. Her life was taken from her, but she has a right to be remembered.
     
  17. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Yes she does Rob, and she is very lucky to have you thinking about her for so long. It makes me think that these people are so special to still be so active in our minds, somehow they have to know we care. I was looking up what happens after we die, do loved ones who passed on know, and stuff like that, but in reality no one knows the answers to these but I honestly think they somehow know.
     
  18. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Ditto
     
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  19. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Yep
     
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  20. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Me too
     
    Sue M likes this.