Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

I am glad you are considering contacting her. I totally agree with Rob67 that you have nothing to lose but so much to gain from it. I also think she might appreciate it. I don’t think you can really do any damage. Worst thing would be her just thinking you’re some weirdo, but I don’t suspect she would since you’re talking about her son. Tell her how much you cared about him and that he will always have a special place in your heart. You can do it!! Not all 80 year olds are good with email. Something to consider. Maybe get her phone number and call?

 

I love you guys! When I first found out and talked to a friend of his online he wanted to call her and all the numbers listed didnt work . I mentioned at the time to his friend that maybe I should send a card and he said do I really want to bring it all up again. Although he also said his dad killed himself because of Mikes death which is not true since he passed 3 yrs before Mike so not sure where he got info He was a friend of his growing up I cant contact him again he will def think Im crazy

 

Sending a card seems like a great idea to me.

 

I did just look up the phone # that is listed on his report and when I did reverse lookup it came back as a friend of his (who wasnt a very good person) so I dont want to call and risk it being him. He did live there a while back but I really dont want to reconnect. What kind of card ? I dont want to do sympathy. What would you say I dont know how to explain without writing a book. I dont want to use a return address Im so back and forth I just dont know if she talks to any of his old friends and if they would find out where I live yes its been years but I dont know them anymore This is probably what I was thinking at the time of trying to locate him back then and being nervous Im rambling but cant help it lol

 

Hmmm…let’s think this through. Maybe just briefly say you were a close friend of his and have fond memories of him. You aren’t in touch with anyone he knew and would love to talk with her? Leave your number? I don’t know I’m just thinking out loud. Did she know you?

 

She only came to my house to pick him up I was never introduced to her I saw her a couple times but she would have no clue who I was Im just afraid of her calling me and my husband being around maybe she wont call maybe someone else will call to see who I am or maybe nothing will happen I could say I am in the area sometimes when I visit my mom if she would like to talk I feel like I would need to say I have great memories cause Im guessing not many people did. Just because of the gravestone with Forgive Eachother Ive never seen that before on a stone I feel like it speaks volumes if I knew what it meant

 

Ohhh, I thought you were divorced for some reason, sorry. Yeah you don’t want to hurt your husband. I was just thinking of the phone number so that she could respond if she wanted to talk to you. There’s got to be someway you can let her know that you’re in the area sometimes and would love to chat with her. I’m going to defer to Rob 67 because he has the experience of losing a child. It would be great if you could just go knock on her door. Even then, if she wasn’t in the mood to talk (getting ready to nap, eat, or not feeling well), you could set up a time to meet.

 

Maybe she’s lonely and would appreciate the company of someone who was close to her son and had actually met her a couple times.

 

I was divorced in 2000 was so lonely at that time and moved into an apt on my own and thats when I thought about trying to find Mike but was scared but wouldnt have anyway. I think I found a relative thats listed on all the backround stuff I look up he did go to the high school for boys right where I grew up but I never knew about him so I dont know if I should message him or just keep it with maybe reaching out to the mom. I may just go there sometime I think face to face may be better so she can see who it is that is asking instead of just a card from who knows who it is. I dont even know if anyone else lives there or even if she still does I am on a facebook group for the city so I can always maybe look on there and see if anyone knows who she is sometimes people put updated house pics so if someone mentions her street I can message them. I know too many people in Niles that would see a post if I posted in the group itself

 

OK, I messaged the admin of the group to ask her I think she lived on the same street Just gave the last name said I know my friend passed but wondering if any family still around and asked her if the name rings any bells I did say I didnt want to post the question publicly so thats why I messaged her

 

Sharing a passage from a book I’m reading about grief:
“For now, it’s important to know that most things offered as support in our culture are really designed to solve problems or to get you out of pain. If it feels wrong to you, it is. Grief is not a problem to be solved; it’s an experience to be carried. The work here is to find - and receive - support and comfort that helps you live with your reality. Companionship, not correction, is the way forward.”

 

The lady did message back said she will ask around if any family is still around so I hope to get a reply at some point

 

Wanted to check in and see how you are doing?

 

Wanted to see how you were doing?

 

Lost my husband to liver and bone cancer on July 17th after battling it for a year. I miss him every day and learning to live alone and without him is hard

 

I’m so sorry about your husband. I’m glad you found this site and hope it helps you honor your grief. What was he like?

 

He was my person, my best friend, and the love of my life. He was a very giving and caring person. This has been a tremendous loss for me and my heart is broken!

 

He sounds like a great human being, so sorry you are missing him. It wouldn’t hurt so much if we didn’t love so hard.

 

tryong to keep my mind occupied thnx for asking