September 1st 2018

this day my entire world has changed, I lost my best friend and favorite person in the world Cameron. I am 22 years old, my sweet guy was only 25 when he passed away so suddenly and tragically. Everyone around me seems to be doing okay, and moving along just fine, but I feel stuck and feel guilty for staying in this one spot here. I feel lost, abandoned, guilty, angry, regret... you name it. I will always feel like the right actions could have saved my guy, I feel like I had let him down and everyone around him. This is a lonely and very scary place, I don’t know how to exist in a world where he doesn’t. Honestly, I do not want too. No we weren’t married, our ride had just begun.. but from being a person who was as scared and alone, misunderstood.. to someone who finally had someone to lean on too understand me was gold. Right now, I’m just feeling in a way that everything that I touch dies, everything good that happens to me gets taken away. Before any of this, I was dealing with my own demons of depression.. now to have to face this and the world alone, HOW am I going to live another 60 years without him? I wish it were me instead... that it was us together. He valued life, in the same way I valued the sun.. I can’t stop seeing him everywhere, or waiting for the text that will never come.