Saturday without the Hubs

Today was eventful. (Lost my husband 10/16/18) I decided to go ahead a buy a used car to get me through for a while bc driving his is stressful to me and our 8 year old son for multiple reasons. I’m still not used to making such a decision on my own, but I’m 44 years old and a single mom, I should be able to do this, right? Also took my child with his friend to play at a trampoline park. Should be simple, again. So, why is that I feel like I’m doing something wrong? Something too extravagant? Outside my comfort zone? I’m not checking in with anyone? I’m alone?

 

I totally get what you are saying about driving his vehicle. I sold my husbands car about six months after he died.

Those first "decisions" we have to make alone are hard.
We are so use to bouncing the pros and cons off our loved one when purchasing an item.

I think that is a great accomplishment for you to purchase the car and take your son to park.

I still finding myself wondering if I am making the right decisions. I had to replace my kitchen faucet and garbage disposal couple weeks ago.
Went to Lowe's and placed four faucets in cart and stood there crying. I did not know how to pick which one was the best.
A gentle man that works in that department came up told me the pros and cons of each.

Such a small decision should not cause so much effort.

 

My husband died suddenly 6/6/17 after 40 years of marriage. He had an almost 20 year old little Nissan truck. I live on 3 acres and although I have my own vehicle, thought it was a good idea to keep the truck for hauling stuff. It sat in the driveway for over 6 months. I was so used to seeing it coming and going loaded up with drums and musical equipment (my husband was a musician) that I realized I had to let it go. But how? And to who? I couldn't just sell it to a stranger. But I also kept hanging on. Couldn't let go. One day about 8 months after his death, one of his best and oldest friends called me about wanting to buy the truck. I said, "Oh, no, I'm not ready." I thought about it the rest of the day and after much soul searching, I was suddenly given the answer. My lost loved one, Steve, wanted me to give the truck to his best friend. I also realized that seeing the truck sitting in the driveway was depressing me. I called my husband's friend and told him Steve wanted him to have the truck and so did I. Now that little truck sits in his best friend's (also a musician) driveway going back and forth to gig's once again loaded with musical equipment. It was the right thing to do. And the best part is that our friend says he feels my husband's presence every time he drives the truck.

I hope sharing my story helped a bit or was at least entertaining. Grief is something you never get over, you just get through it and it becomes part of your life. It can be happy or sad. That's all part of it. Feel the emotion. It is healing.

 

thanks, it's very helpful. I've decided to give my husband's car to our niece, his brother's daughter, who is learning to drive. I think he would like that and his brother is very touched and thankful. It's a good car and will be a good first car for her to learn on. And it feels like a circle-of-life thing...like your husband's truck fulfilling its purpose, too. When my husband died, he and his brother were not on good terms, due to my husbands own issues with substance abuse and just a painful family history. My brother in law is in good recovery and he's been a really great support, and I think reconnecting with him as my son's uncle is very healing for all of us, as is gifting the car. I remember having a conversation once about my husband wanting to be able to leave something to his nieces and nephew if he died at some point. It was a conversation that happened a long time ago. I just have to trust I'm doing the right thing.

 

Of course you are! When my husband died, he had a whole music studio filled with sets of drums, keyboards, guitars, amps, etc. I did not sell a thing. I called it my "spreadin' the love" campaign. I gave his stuff away to grateful musician friends who had known him over 40 years. I gave his special clothes to those I knew would cherish them, and the leftover clothes, I gave to Hurricane Harvey victims (I live in the Houston, TX area). I have continued my campaign and constantly give things away to either those in need or just as a gift that I know they will appreciate. I even gave an acre that I don't use to my young neighbor who is always looking out for me. It is so rewarding to give to others and as I said, spread the love.

 

I am new but giving away my husband things are the hardest. He had a Jag that he was leasing. I sent it back to the dealership but it was difficult. I am only now understanding how difficult it is to let go of his things.

 

INDEED.........there'e no one we're accountable to. No one wondering where we are. No one who to just talk to about life, the day, the news. It's just awful. Making decisions are definitely hard. I hadn't paid bills in 35 years - all of a sudden it's just me. How do we start a life again? but still don't have answers? At least I know how, why, what of P's death. I'm so sorry for your pain - mine too.

 

I am 59. Was married 40 years, when he passed in a car accident. 16 months ago.
I still struggle with, the minor decisions. I also wasnt aware of all the upkeep and maintenance of a house, he did those projects without me realizing that they even needed done.
It doesnt take much to throw me off kilter anymore.
2 years ago, I would have described myself as a strong independent woman...what a joke.

 

I am sorry for your loss, Sandy. I also thought of myself as a independent woman. Little did I know I was totally clueless all my husband did quietly. I wish I would have realized at the time everything he did.

 

LindaH, I too thought myself a modern, independent woman. But losing him showed me that he was my rudder my compass, my other part. It a loss that will NEVER pass for me. I just past his 1 year death & trying to get through the holidays is awful. I heard another widow say "if I could just go to sleep for 3 months - wake up when holidays over". I feel you guys pain

 

I am sorry for you loss. My husband use to say that I was his missing piece. I felt the same about him.

I never doubted his love for me. All the "firsts" are so hard. This will be the third Christmas I will spend without the love of my life.

 

I have heard it gets easier. I am ready for that. This man was my best friend, my cheerleader, even after 40 years he thought I was the greatest woman on this earth...how do you come back to normal after losing the absolute center of my universe?

 

It does get easier. My husband treated me the same way. This is the hardest time of year. Our Anniversary was the 15th of this month. It was our 55th. So that was a big one. We were married very young.
Christmas he use to buy me things that I didn't even know I wanted. Then I found out I couldn't live with out what ever he bought.
He knew me better than I did myself. He was the most patient person I have ever made. That's when it came to me. He had my back and I had his at all times.

 

Yes, it is very hard being alone especially during the holidays and having no one to lean on but yourself. Will be glad when the holidays are over.

 

I’m reading through your posts and it’s exactly how I’m feeling. The holidays magnify how we’re already feeling. My husband passed suddenly from a heart attack. Came out of no where. It’s 13 months as of 12/17/19. I agree that making decisions by myself is so difficult. We decided everything together. Now it’s just me and it’s so hard. I’m struggling. And we spoiled each other on Christmas, which makes it harder. I find it emotionally difficult walking in stores right now. He’s supposed to be with me. He had been researching cruises to go in for our 42nd anniversary! And doing things for house upkeep, I knew he did a lot but he did things so easily. It’s a huge project for me.
I don’t want any of us in this pain, but knowing others Are feeling like this is helpful.
Thank you for listening. Robin

 

We had booked our dream Alaskian cruise a week before he passed. It was hard to call and cancel. Just to say the words , I need to cancel the cruise, my husband passed away, was one of the hardest things

 

Sandy I’m so sorry for you! I know how hard that must have been. My heart aches for you. We had a family vacation to Florida booked for 1/30/19, my husband passed 11/17/18. That was difficult for me as well. Everything is so difficult now.