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Remorse from my infidelity

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Dave Philips, Nov 10, 2020.

  1. Dave Philips

    Dave Philips Guest

    My beautiful selfless wife was the absolute love of my life.
    I adored her.
    A gem of humanity.
    Together for 40 years.
    And yet I cheated on her.
    She forgave me 12 years ago, but I am still wracked with the pain of remorse.
    I lost her in a hospice on Sunday last (8/11/2020)
    Please help me.........x
     
  2. HW2927

    HW2927 Member

    She forgave you. God forgives too so you must forgive yourself. You stayed together, and 40 years is a testament to your relationship and the love it held. We are human and make mistakes- whatever they are - we all have regrets on things we wish we could change or take back. The truth is we can’t but we can replace these thoughts with all of the good memories - that far outweigh the bad. Pray and know God forgives. I’m so sorry for your loss. She sounds beautiful. my husband passed away in August too. It’s very sad and so I try to focus on our love even while I cry.
     
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  3. Dave Philips

    Dave Philips Guest

    Oh - thank you so much.
    My beautiful lady excelled at very many things.
    In later life she trained at King’s College London, and became a clinical hypnotherapist.
    When she could see that my remorse was literally killing me, she gave me a hypnotherapy session which she recorded onto my iPhone.
    It centred on forgiveness.
    She whispered to me under hypnosis, that:
    “You are a good man - a kind man - with much love to give to your family and friends - that I can have a clean slate and that I deserve to relax, feel good about myself, and feel loved again.”
    Truly - this lady of mine is a saint.

    Thank you once again for your kindness,
    love
    DP
     
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  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Dave,
    I’m so sorry for the loss of your wonderful wife. I can understand you feeling guilt, but she forgave you and it sounds like she was totally sincere. After losing our life partners we all tend to put guilt on ourselves for whatever reason. Did we do enough, care enough etc. in your case you have proof she forgave you. Try to forgive yourself. She did and you had 12 wonderful years after. She saw your remorse and fully forgave you. It sounds like you had a wonderful loving life together. Your loss is very resent, and it takes time before all you happy memories can make you smile, but it will happen.
    I lost my wonderful husband 2 years ago this month. He passed very suddenly from a massive heart attack that took him in 2 hours. He didn’t have any health issues at all. This came out of no where. I put guilt on myself, for cleaning out the medicine cabinet and not replacing the aspirin, for not answering him when he was waiting to get rolled into the ambulance. He yelled “ I love you Robin, I love you Robin” at least 5 times. He knew I loved him, we were together 24/7. But I wish I answered him. I thought he’d be ok. I think the guilt comes from loving them so much and missing them so much. We must have messed up. But we didn’t, we loved them with all our heart and they knew that.
    Try to get outside and breath in fresh air, short walks, or just in your yard. Fresh air helps so much. I’m dreading the winter, I feel my best when I’m outside. Staying busy helps too, little things to occupy your mind.
    Try to let the guilt go, you deserve to be free of that.
    Sending you hugs, you sound like you could use a hug!
     
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  5. Dave Philips

    Dave Philips Guest

    Bless your heart RLC.
    I didn’t think anybody on here could possibly accept me, let alone care for me.
    I would have gladly died in her place.
    With several children and grandchildren to support emotionally after her terrible loss, she expects me to carry on.
    I need to be strong enough not to waste her faith in me.
    Thank you for caring,
    DP
     
    RLC likes this.
  6. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello Dave So very sorry for your loss. In the early days of loss our minds are truly in shock and we run the full gamut of all our emotions. Every moment we feel something different. Try to let the emotions flow and do not try to stop them. When my husband died, a year ago, I learned that the movie thing of "his life passed before his eyes" is more applicable to the one left behind. I know I reviewed our entire life looking for every and any thing I might have done wrong, was I good enough to him, did I nag too much, on and on. Know your feelings are totally normal and with time will settle. Also know that "time" is longer than any of us believed before we were in these shoes. She forgave you! Take it from a woman who was cheated on (in my first marriage) no woman stays if she hasn't forgiven. You have 12 years of proof that you were forgiven and very, very loved. It is a horrible journey but you WILL make it. Take one day at a time. Just do the one next thing that needs doing...a meal, a shower, a walk. In time the one next thing will add up to a new life.
     
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  7. Dave Philips

    Dave Philips Guest

    Oh Ainie - I only joined today - at the moment I so need the approval of kind people.
    Thank goodness I stumbled on this place by accident.
    I was feeling very desperate.
    Thank you,
    DP
     
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    That’s great that you have children and grandchildren to love and care for and to get that love in return. Keep them close and try to enjoy life with them. We all understand the pain you’re going through, not everyone in our life understands but people here on this site get it.
    I honor my husband every day and still want him to be proud I’m his wife. I’m sure your wife’s faith won’t be wasted and will keep you going.
    One day at time or hour or moment, whatever you’re up to. Be good to yourself.
     
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  9. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your wife sounds lovely. It sounds like she long ago forgave you for what you both know was a human mistake. Had you not shown your sorrow, she may not have been able to forgive. It is difficult, with our loved one no longer here, not to dwell on our shortcomings. We have all done it. I have helped myself through that part by focusing on something positive I gave to our marriage each time a negative thought creeps in. ‘Retraining my brain’. Truth is, there are tons of good things we gave to each other and not so many bad. I would have done anything for him. He knew that and it sounds like your wife did too. Be kind to yourself. This grief is very hard to live through. There is lots of understanding here. Praying for peace for all of us.
     
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  10. Dave Philips

    Dave Philips Guest

    Thank you so much,
    DP
     
  11. Dave Philips

    Dave Philips Guest

    After my infidelity was out in the open I attempted to be the perfect husband, as I had been before.
    I cherished her every minute of the day.
    But now that she has gone, I can no longer try to make amends to her.
    I am in such severe pain.
     
  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Dave,
    I understand what you’re saying and understand the pain you’re putting on yourself. It’s needless, your wife forgave you. But you still want to show her your dedication to her. And now, you can’t, so it’s bottling up in you and you feel like the pain will make you burst. I put myself through guilt and torture, because that’s what we do. But then I started honoring my husband in any and all ways I could. I made a memorial garden to honor him, put one of the first tools we bought for our business in the center. I made my own cement stepping stones in the garden, I worked on projects we had planned to do together. I get up every morning to honor my husband, because he would want me to. We had these tough conversations. I want him to be watching over me and seeing I’m pushing forward because of him, because we had these talks. I want him to be proud I’m his wife.
    So, no you can’t do things directly for her, but you can honor the woman you loved so much and still love. You can show the world she’s still a part of you and will always be. Finish a project she started, wear one of her charms, make a shoebox with her favorite things or things you loved together. Even visit a park she loved and think of her. Call or visit her best friend, they’re hurting too. That’s a nice gesture that would help both of you. Just try to change your thought process, tweak it to honor and still love this wonderful woman.
    Remember, baby steps and take care of you! You’re important.
     
  13. Dave Philips

    Dave Philips Guest

    So lovely RLC.
    I truly need such words in my life right now.
    I adore her - I always did - my angel.
    I have never found god, though I have searched for him many times - from an isolated childhood onwards.
    I pray to Sylvie to help me to come though these desperate times.
    “Dear Sylvie - please help me to come through this agony, to be the lovely man you fell in love with forty years ago.
    I adore you - I always did - I always will sweetheart.
    Please help me baby . . . .”
     
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  14. Dave Philips

    Dave Philips Guest

     
  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Sylvie is there for you. She’s watching over you. Ron guides me each and every day. I feel his presence, I see him, he helps me get through each day. Be open to feeling her and it will happen. Ron helped me find my lost credit card, he guided me through building a gate. I have felt him, he has kissed me. I’m not crazy, these things happen and I’m not the only one feeling and seeing these visits. He’s my inspiration for everything I do. Sylvie will step forward, she is your angel watching over you.
     
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  16. Dave Philips

    Dave Philips Guest

    I need her so much,
    I adore you baby xx
     
  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I understand, we all know how you’re feeling. It’s gut wrenching. You’re not alone in how you feel.
    One moment at a time.
     
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