Yesterday marked two years since my wife passed. It's important for me to reflect on the past years but also look towards the future. As most of you have stated the first months are nothing more then a blur. I said the things I'm suppose to say - "yea, I'm doing ok". Fact of the matter was, I wasn't doing ok. I needed to plan a funeral with all the trimmings. I look back now and clearly this wasn't for me or my wife. But you do what you have to do - everyone around you expects it. The paperwork did not trickle in, it poured in. I was handing out death certificates like they were candy. Just when I thought I would have things wrapped up, another issue had to be resolved. We were planning on moving and in fact bought a house. We ended up having to cancel the purchase. My wife's leukemia had returned 11 months after a bone marrow transplant. We had a wonderful summer together at the lake. I remember asking her if we should do this. I said if we move forward, if something happens to one of us, the survivor will just have to deal with it ( I had just been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma at the start of spring. I had the cancer removed 12 years earlier and was in the clear. I believe the caregiver role and stress caused my immune system to collapse). Anyway, my wives response was, let's do it, it might even be fun. For all the reasons we both agreed on moving, I decided to move forward and build a house. We all know that keeping busy helps and if nothing else, this helped me survive that first year. Another observation - maybe I was too busy and did not have time to really process and absorb my wives death. After the first year, I decided to focus on me. I had a Christmas gathering for Lynn's side of the family - 50+ people in my new house. We've always have always had these get togethers for extended family. No one asked how I was doing or even talked about my wife's. Thank God my daughter said some lovely words before we ate. So year two - it's time to think about me. Well I fell down walking out to the garage in my new home and broke a hip at the same time Covid19 hit. February - April I was house bound. I thought about my wife non-stop and how much I missed her. I also became diabetic from the immunotherapy treatment for the cancer. For the benefit of my kids and grandkids, I put my best face forward and gave the appearance that dad was ok. Fact of the matter is, the grief in year 2 was overwhelming. Not one day went by without a tear being shed. I tried my hardest in focusing on me but guilt that I was alive and my kids and and grandkids lost a mom and grandma brought be back to reality. It's repeated on this board time and time again how your spouse would want you to behave. I even think I may have mentioned that in one of my posts. Trying to get that to sink in is another issue. It wasn't all bad in year 2, you actually start to develop your own routines and it certainly wasn't as numbing as the first several months. So I woke up this morning and told myself that this is the start of year 3. I thought this was a great place to reflect on the past couple of years. I can remember many posts on this board that I have read and responded to where the tears were flowing like a river. No tears shed today just a sense of peace. So yea, there is definitely progress on this grief journey. Almost like a New Year's resolution, I plan to put more focus on me and how I might make life better for my family and friends (note to self: read this post monthly!). I feel like I have a close connection to all of you. You have helped me get to where I am today - not finished but well on my way on this journey of grief. For those just starting this journey, rest assured, as time goes on you will make progress towards happiness. Oh, Oh, got to go - I spoke to soon about the tears. Love you all - Steve
Steve, As I read your post, I cried throughout. It resonates with me, my wonderful husband passed 11/17/18. So the 2 year anniversary is Tuesday, I dread it so much. I have such guilt, how am I still here. The second year has been very difficult but in different ways from the first year. My husband passed suddenly, with no warning. Gone from our wonderful life in 2 hours. The only planning we had was talks we had previously, and I’m so thankful for those. I was in shock and yes life was a blur. People said and did things that hurt me terribly, I also told people I was ok when I wasn’t. I tried to stay busy as you mention. Certainly not building a house but keeping myself occupied, it does help. The second year I spent from early spring to late fall working in my yard. I feel best when I’m outside so I stayed busy working in the memorial garden I made for Ron and trimming and neatening my yard. And knowing Ron would be so proud but feel bad I’m doing such strenuous things. He never let me mow the lawn, now it’s part of my routine. I miss going to work, but I had to close our business. The holidays, wow what a gathering you had. Ron and I always hosted every holiday. Nothing close to what you had but family all together in our home. How naive of us to think family members would ask how we are. And my family decided they don’t want to come any more. Even though I told them I still planned to host and need to be where we would normally be and with family. It’s pretty hurtful. So on Tuesday, I invited 2 of my 3 siblings and their spouses and a friend of my daughters and we’ll be having some of Ron’s favorite dishes and release balloons and hopefully share memories. The people I’ve invited I feel pretty safe around I don’t have a huge family or grandchildren and Ron’s family only has his sister left and she’s on the other side of the country. I expect to be alone with my daughter on Thanksgiving, we hoped to travel to spend it with my son in Florida but the restrictions NY has in place makes traveling very difficult. It will be just the 2 of us for Christmas I think too. It hurts but what can I do. I’m thankful for my daughter. This has been a long bumpy road to get where I am today and I know there will be plenty more bumps on this journey that I don’t want to be on. But I’m certainly better then when this all started. I’m stronger then I realized in some ways. I still cry quite easily but not every single day. Memories can bring a smile, songs and movies don’t bring on a melt down. Still a work in progress, it’s work that I wish I never had to embark on but here I am and I have two children that love and care for me. I thank you for sharing your story with us here. I agree that there’s a close connection with people on this site. I’ve made life long friends and have people who care about me and ask how I am. But in real life no one asks. It’s a rough journey and you made it through 2 years and we’re kind enough to share the ups and downs. I wish you strength and success as you continue pushing forward. There will be even better days ahead and we need to keep pushing forward towards them. God Bless!
Robin, will be thinking about you and praying for you tomorrow. Michael is a 17 also - 4 months tomorrow. Tears everyday. I will ask for you to have a few moments of peace tomorrow and through the holidays.
Thank you! I know each month is difficult milestone, I’ll think of you tomorrow too. My one one brother and wife aren’t feeling well so they won’t join me. I hope they’re ok. Texting for covid tomorrow I appreciate the prayers, feel I need them. You’re in my prayer as well.
