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R.I.P. my beloved brother

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by HK304, Dec 20, 2016.

  1. HK304

    HK304 New Member

    On November 13th this year I suddenly lost my brother with no warning whatsoever. He would have been 32 on the 14th of this month and was only a year and a half older than me. He was my best friend, room mate, business partner, drinking buddy, more or less my whole world, pretty much inseparable our entire lives. We worked together by day at our construction business, and in the evenings/ weekends at our kustom shop. We had a great last Saturday together with some big plans for Sunday the next day. I went in to wake him up Sunday morning and he had passed in his sleep. No one including him knew it, but he apparently had Marfan syndrome, which caused his heart to fail sometime during the night. My life has been turned upside down and I am struggling to cope/ move forward. Not sure what to do now without him being here. I miss my brother so much.
     
  2. Kassy

    Kassy New Member

    Hi. I just saw this post and like myself, haven't received any response yet. I lost my brother 3 weeks ago. I understand your pain. It was sudden and I am struggling. I guess for me, I just have panic moments and then start crying. I'm trying to let myself feel the grief when it comes. That way I am releasing it.

    Just wanted you to know that your not alone.

    Kassy
     
    Rhiannon Lewis likes this.
  3. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear HK and Kassy:
    I am so very sorry for both your losses. They are both very recent and you're probably still in disbelief and shock.
    I myself have had a lot of experience dealing with loss. My Dad died suddenly 12 years ago. I lost my Mom last May and I buried my daughter 15 years ago. In between dealing with all of this, I have also had to deal with other types of losses....through permanent estrangement and then through divorce.
    I have only one sibling...a sister who is 2 1/2 years younger than I am. The last time I saw her was at my Mom's funeral and sadly, I am quite certain I will never see or speak to her again. The same holds true for her daughter....my only niece who is 28. There are some things that people do that simply cannot be forgiven. They fall into that category. And on XMAS Eve of 2014 I found out my husband of 19 years was having an affair for the past 10 years. We had been together for a total of 25 years. My divorce became final this past June. And if this wasn't enough, I had to put my 19 year old cat to sleep in April of 2015. The pic to the left is my new friend who I rescued. I actually think Kennedy rescued me!

    So in a lot of respects I'm the poster child for dealing with loss and I know every single stage and symptom. Losing a parent and a sibling is like losing part of yourself. It never grows back. And regardless of what people may tell you, time does not heal all wounds. What time does is better equip you to deal with it.

    I know right now both of you have broken hearts and it's a struggle to just get through the day. I still have those moments....many of them. The best advice I can give you is this. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Whenever and however they are manifested. And don't listen to anyone who tells you to "move on," or "get over it." Grief is a personal thing without a timetable. Try to take as good care of yourself as you can manage. Eat healthy and try to get enough rest. And if you're able to...get some exercise. It helps. And trust me when I tell you that this I know....alcohol only numbs the pain for a brief moment. Abusing it can cause you more problems. Be kind to yourself and look out for your own heart. Reach out to your true friends and by now, you will have found out who they are.

    I myself am now alone. Except for Kennedy. It's not my preference and I never thought it would be this way, but that's the hand I was dealt. Yup, it's lonely and it's hard, but all the things that have happened to me have shown me that I'm a survivor and can bounce back from anything.

    Don't hesitate to reach out to me or really so many people on this site. It has brought me comfort to both receive and offer help to those of us in pain. And there are so many.

    Take care of yourself ladies and be well. Ellen
     
    Rhiannon Lewis and Kassy like this.
  4. I'm with Ellen , go with the grief rollercoaster , cry when you feel like it get mad , scream and shout . It's a hard road and a lonely one . Join a grief share group it will also help . Life goes on . Try a grief journel sometimes it helps to write down feelings . I don't know how we go on , but we have to .
     
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  5. HK304

    HK304 New Member

    Today marks two months, this is sooo hard..... time just isn't what it used to be.... one day just melts into the next.

    Thanks for your response Kassy, shoot me a message if you want to bounce thoughts off each other at all?

    Thank you for the meaningful advice Ellen C, truly thank you. By the way I am a guy, he was my brother and I was his brother.

    Thanks to you as well Karen Ciesielski, I will try and follow your advice, not sure what a share group is?.... I might try going to one of the in person grief support groups found locally, think it might be beneficial to be around a group of folks with similar mental states.

    Trying to move forward.
    -Oliver
     
    Rhiannon Lewis likes this.
  6. Grief share.com
     
  7. I'm so sorry Oliver , I pray for God's comfort and strength today and as you journey . My sister was my everything . I miss her everyday .
    Grief share is an in person grief group . You google grief share.com and it will give you local groups that are going on , also your local hospice offers grief counseling . It's not easy you just have to go with it one day at a time it hurts like hell and your world will never be the same again . When I'm in despair I call out to God and he rescues me . I can't make it without him .
     
  8. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Oliver:
    I'm sorry I didn't realize you were each other's brother. I didn't pay close enough attention. I apologize for the oversight.

    A couple of month's when you lose someone so close to you is like 10 minutes. You need to give yourself time. I think a grief support group would really help you. Just to be around people who are dealing with their own individual heartache will make you feel less isolated. I joined one after my Mom died, because she was really all I had left as far as family goes. I was both amazed and comforted at the same time to hear so many stories of loss. However what really helped me deal was the courage and strength that I saw in so many people. Their sheer will to continue living and honor their loved one's memory truly served as inspiration. I think the bottom line is the cliche that we hear all the time..."life goes on." I'm sure you have many moments where you may feel it's just not worth it and it's not the same. Well, part of that is correct. It will never be the same and perhaps it will take a very long time for things to be better, but you know as well as I do, that life absolutely is worth it and your brother wouldn't want anything less for you.

    My Mom knew me very well and I was with her when she passed. And 1 hour before, she told me how much she loved me and thanked me for always being there. And she knew I always kept my word and any promises I made. So she had me promise two things....to be OK and to be happy.

    When things get hard for me, I remember that promise and somehow I just keep going.

    I'm sure you had a close bond with your brother and you will also find a way to remember him in everything you do.

    Peace, strength and comfort to you.

    ~Ellen






























     
    Rhiannon Lewis likes this.
  9. I'm so sorry for your loss..yes ..it's bloody terrible..just over 2 yrs for me..xxxx
     
  10. Just wanted to send you love and support. .it's so v v hard..2 and a bit years for me..my little bro was 46..2nd day into his world travel. .died in Sri Lanka. .had to land the plane there because he got ill on the flight..hate that he was so far away from all of us..on his own. .keep thinking how scared he must have been..my poor mum and dad..He left 2 young kids..xxxx
     
  11. LauRae

    LauRae Member

    So sorry about your brother. It's decades since my brother was struck by a drunk driver, landed in the ICU for weeks, and died. It finally doesn't hurt as much. I do nurture a spiritual relationship with him as well as with my mum and dad who have passed on. I don't know what your beliefs are. I do feel them around me in some ways. It probably lessens the hurt a bit. Really miss them all.
    I have little 'shrines' for them. I create a small collection of things of theirs, or things that honor them. I feel a bit less helpless this way.