Purpose...

I don’t understand the purpose of this group. I’ve posted, I’ve responded and with the exception of a handful of people - silence. I thought we were here to help each other. I am disappointed.

 

TJones & everyone who reads,

I see and hear you clearly. I have at times also wondered why more people don't speak out after they are talked with. Back on March 10th of this year, I made this post-https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/to-all-talking-about-loss.1669/

The purpose of that post was to talk with everyone who would read it. I was trying to reach out in the hopes of convincing more people how valuable their talking with others was and still is. I was hoping that by telling others how to go about talking about loss it would help others.

I have seen and heard so many of you make posts, reply with passion, and then leave it at that, as if there I am done. But I am asking you to realize, your loss, someone else's loss are so troublesome, even to a complete stranger that sometimes it is so very hard to talk to others.

I want each of you to realize, you are here because loss or losses brought you here. You needed to talk, you wanted others to respond and you were hoping to feel better after doing so. That is a beautiful concept. But, are you truly finished? Don't you wish to help another crying out in need?

You don't have to be a professional counselor or a priest or any other type to offer words of encouragement to another. Your words don't have to be perfect, they don't have to have all the right answers. The only thing that is important is you heard someone's plea and like a hero you came and attempted to help. Even failure at that is one of the most amazing things any person can do, you tried. But, that also doesn't mean you should just quit, sit back and let another try, that is ok, but you may still be able to help.

When I speak of losses over my life, and that they are behind me now, please never lose sight of the fact, that I and you and everyone else has a hollowness inside, a void where someone you knew or loved meant a something important to you, they touched your life somehow.

This is the most important aspect each of you need to acknowledge. Even after you have posted and responded to another, you have attempted to respond with feeling, with sincerity and an honestness. What might not be apparent to everyone by doing that, as you talk with another, as you tell a story of yours, you are also reopening a wound of yours? Maybe it doesn't happen at quick as that, but over time, post after post, your heart takes a beating, your tears are plentiful and you just pray you have helped and you wish you could see others come running and also talk.

This is not a complaint, this is the best way I can let each of you, it hurt to talk, whether you realize it at first or not. All I know is I care about my feelings, I am happy I can still feel sad and cry. I just wish more of all of you could also respond to others no matter how hard it is.

You have to realize, I am not a professional, and neither is any of you others. We are just here for our loss, and hopefully can offer aid and comfort to another in the worst time of their life. But never forget, by any of us doing that it also affects each of us, subtly perhaps at first, but as time passes, as each new response is made it does take a toll of sorts.

Just remember, even if you don't see a usual poster responding, it does not mean they have gone away. Maybe they need to regather their strength that was diminished in responding to others.

Lastly, each of you are now experienced with loss, some more than others. Some may write a little better than others. Some may be religious, some may not. But the one common thread each of you possess is the new insight life has given you to help one another. I will say this not to offend but just to let you know, I believe in all of you - God Bless.

-david.

I believe is songs, in melodies, it is a way to express ourselves to another



I will begin posting more tomorrow. I just needed some time to refill my tank of faith it was running a bit low.

 

Thanks, your insight certainly puts things in perspective

 

Tjones,

Hi, how are you? I see you lost your dad recently. You were a caretaker and find the evenings more difficult. Purpose of this group? That's an individual answer. You will note not that many members are on this site at the same time, Lots of guests. I suspect many first here are stunned over their loss. They may not be able to be all that interactive. My reason was to try to comprehend why grief was so powerful. Seek some guidance. For a long time just someplace to be.

Karen the founder of GIC has an opening video at the bottom of the login page. Her vision was to provide a place for grieving people to be with similar grieving people. Her hope is like will gravitate to like. I can imagine many communities may not offer much for people with loss. Many are hit so hard by it. The most often commented items people will say are. I am so lost. Loneliness is unbearable. Insomnia and often people around the grieving will be supportive for a while or struggle to be able to relate all that well.

I have not used the video chat section. That is new and hoped to be more interactive in real time and in person. Speaking for myself even driving or remembering a Hospice sponsored grief group was to difficult. I was told by someone that FaceBook has a grief site and more populated. Maybe church-sponsored groups are available. Something like AA where a small group meets and talks.

I see people come and go. Many just want to express how much they miss their person or describe how important their person is to them. I understand your frustration. I read your introduction. You are processing reasonably well compared to many. I wish this was more interactive. I have started threads. posted a lot and really read a good deal. I read many grief books and one woman author was a psychologist. She a person in the field was devasted by losing her husband and at the same time found her background lacking to help others or her self. I see myself retold countless times by reading what others report.

Sorry for the loss of your dad. There are foundation people in our lives and we feel that loss acutely. A little long-winded but I get what you're saying. My Hospice counselor said go be social. meaning supportive people around you. I was fortunate to happen to knew friends in nursing, or that had a lot of counseling. Just more experienced in pain and loss.

Best to you. Chat if you feel like it.

Paul M.

 

Hi Paul,

Thank you for responding. I suppose I was being a bit critical in my post about purpose. I was serious but not trying to be rude. I feel that I am moving along in my new journey but it is not without detours and moments of feeling sorry for myself. I was a bit of a daddy’s girl. I could not imagine my life without him. Now, here I am living life without him. For various reasons, I strive to accept his passing. I was given time my God to say goodbye and all the things others here didn’t have but all-in-all I still have the loss and I work through it daily.

I know a lot of medical and legal professionals and I welcome their thoughts but this is the one walk in my life that I have had to do on my own. Each day I strive to really live my life. That’s what my dad would have done and he would want me to do the same. I still talk to my dad. He may be asleep but he lives on just in a different zip code. I do miss him tho!

Again, thank you!

TJ

 

TJ,

Life affects each of us in so many ways. When you watch others suffer through a loss, sure you might feel bad inside for them and offer your own encouraging words.

So sorry for the loss of your father. Losing him had to not just be so hard to accept, but each day after the loss had to very hard to face and move forward. Each of us when we suffer a loss, a part of us has been damaged, and yet our mind might be flooded with remorse, longing, sorrow and it can be a battle with ourselves to face another day.

When my dad died over the course of two days it was hard to accept. It was too quick. I had too many unanswered questions in life. I knew he was about to pass, even with that knowledge it did not make it any easier. All I could do is look at my hero in life finally leave this Earth.

I had a mother to take care of, and yes I would ask her so much about father. But even she did not have all the answers. Like, Did dad tell you of the war and his experiences? Because her first husband was killed on the first day, DDAY in Normandy, when it came to war she was truly unable to talk much about those times.

So I understand, fathers can be such a mystery. Life will never give you all the answers you seek. But at least we each have our own memories to fall back upon.

We all now have started a new life under this cloud of isolation. It was hard enough dealing with loss, but even harder not being able to talk personally with others face to face. So each of us start to walk a new path on this broken road of grief. We each will carry so many questions, so much sorrow.

I never realized how important the phone has now become (not for the dumb telemarketers) but for now we can talk to those we can. The internet allows us to have face to face time with our doctors and professionals as time permits. I listened as my two sons had doctors appointments over the internet - a good connection.

TJ, just move through your life as you feel good about. Nothing is a guarantee, but at least by waking each day you are moving forward in life, even if only just a little bit.

-david

A flute song from Lord of the Rings

 

Hi, I decided to give it time. I am learning to navigate through the page. I'm trying to keep up on this. I like it because sometimes after a loss, all we have is time. I post and read. But, Im also going through my Moms things, searching for a job, trying to rent two houses, etc; never ending busy work. I check my phone often. I'll reply if you want to give this site time. God Bless and stay healthy. We will get through this one day at a time.

 

The s

 

t Jones, my auto correct won't let me spell your username. But, you've inspired me to write more and open up. Thanks.

 

Thanks Tammlamm.

I understand and I’m going to stick it out for a while. I know everybody is busy and like David said, it requires each of us to visit a wound that isn’t pleasant. I had to go through my dad’s stuff too. It took me a solid two weeks but he was in a rental so I had to get in and get it done following his death. That is one of the hardest things to do.

How is your job search going? Here, everything is pretty much still closed down. My husband and I have a small business and we haven’t done anything since March.

Thank you for taking time to respond.

TJ

 

Hi, soon things will reopen and I hope your business soars! Moving things out quickly is hard. Good job to you for getting it done. My Mom's house sold quickly. A hurried move to Illinois from Missouri. 62 years worth of things. She moved to a rental. Very cute one bedroom. She called it her forever home. She fought the cancer for three years. We did her yard and a small patio out back. I remember those times of her sitting and talking with me over a cold drink. It's emotional now for me to write but it is good to remember those good times. I know there were difficult times too. But, you and I did right by our parents. That helps me alot. They knew they could count on us to be responsible. I know my Mom was so happy to be with me everyday during her battle. I'll right more later about when she chose to stop fighting. It is nice weather here and just taking in the sun and fresh air helps to clear my sad thoughts. Please enjoy your day and things will be better.

 

oh, I joined Glassboro, a job finder website. Now I'm being overwhelmed by other sites. It's hard to find the Glasdoor emails. A but frustrating. Thank you for asking. I'm trying and thats good enough right now.

 

glass door! Spell check!!

 

Glassdoor is a good site for reviews of prospective employers too. The downside is all the junk that comes with it. Enjoy the sunshine!

TJ