My name is Kathleen and my father passed away in June of a sudden heart attack. I was in Ireland at the time, studying abroad. I am the oldest of 4, at 20 years old. No one is doing well. I feel like I have lost something so fundamental. I am so changed and overwhelmed and this wan’t suppose to happen. Ireland was suppose to be the best time of my life and now it is tinged with this unbearable grief. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what to look for. I’ve never been incredibly religious but God doesn’t give me comfort. I mean how many people die a day? How many awful atrocities have human kind committed against each other since the dawn of time? There are genocides and disease and so much hate. How could any God see that and let it be. How can anyone just watch and be like, well I gave them free will they can do what they want? And I’ve read the Bible, I’ve analyzed the Book of Job back and forth. I’ve never been a believer in karma and I know bad things happen to good people and that we can’t hop to ever understand who, or what, or why God is or was, but I can’t help but ask why? What good reason? My dad was 50 years old. Why is there so much pain in this world? Insurmountable pain that I’m sure I can’t even imagine. There is so much suffering in the world, even on this website. A part of me has died with my father. I am lackluster, and moody and exhausted. People rely on me to do things. I am a go-getter. I am responsible. But it feels as though all my passion has been drained. I’ve gone limp. And I can’t write anything that isn’t about him. I am a writer and I can’t tell stories. I can’t write fiction because reality has chewed me up and spit me out. And I can’t do the things I used to be able to? I’m not reliable anymore. And I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t know what I need but I need something. I need him but he’s not here. And I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have some words of wisdom? A glimmer of hope? I’m trying a therapist but I don’t know. And I need help and I’m sorry for this disjointed rant I just felt I needed to write something. Please.