I lost my husband to liver cancer April 2019 from the day he was diagnosed he was gone in 8 weeks. We started dating when I was 16 and I’m now 50 and have never known life without him. The first year was hard but I got through it with lots of support from my children and grandchildren, good friends and counselling. I have his headstone unveiling coming up next week and for the past four weeks I have had the most over whelming feelings of loneliness. I’ve felt lonely right through but it has felt inhanced recently especially at night. My children try to support me through this but they just really don’t get it and there’s just somethings that you can’t discuss with your kids. I started counselling back up today and was advised to join a support group so I could talk to people who are feeling the same way.
So sorry for your loss. My husband died after a long battle with cancer in October/19. I did very well for the first year but since the anniversary I have been feeling the overwhelming loneliness you mention. If I don't keep very very busy my feelings wash over me and I feel I can't go on, can't live this non-life any longer. So I get busy again but now feel I am just exhausting myself instead of that feeling of accomplishment I was getting. This week I have started walking each afternoon...thinking it is a half measure...still getting exercise and outside but also time to think. (I think I stayed so very busy that I wasn't really processing my emotions). It does seem to help...at least I am sleeping again at night. It is unfortunate that our society doesn't talk or teach about death - we have no idea of what to expect or what to do on this journey. It's hard to reinvent yourself completely. Hugs. If you find an answer please let me know and if you don't come and chat and vent anyway. It's better not to be alone.
Ainie, I think your spot on. I'm coming up on two years (actually in 7 days). The first year I was a real trooper - busy, busy, busy. I even bought a new house (we had already purchased one but had to cancel). For all the reasons we decided to move, it made sense for me to move as well. No regrets and it kept me extremely busy the first year. Even the second year I've been doing a considerable amount of yard work. I sit back and admire my accomplishments but miss my wife who would always be there with me. The work as been beneficial but as you mentioned, it does get exhausting and not nearly as fulfilling as it use to be. I see people come and go on this blog and always wondered if they managed to work through their grief or just simply just gave up. I keep telling myself, life is precious so don't just throw it away. But heck, when you spend 45 years with someone, how do you rebuild after that. . I get the kids and the grand kids and I told my wife I would try to fill her shoes as "grandma". I think I've focused so much on being the perfect, low maintenance dad and grandpa, that I completely forgot about myself. That is why your post resonates with me - the loneliness is truly overwhelming. Just maybe in year 3, I can start to focus on myself - maybe!
Ksteve. yes we seem to be on the same path. Glad you are pleased with your decision to move. I can feel how your accomplishments somehow feel hollow, like mine do. It would be so good if our beloved were able to share with us. My kids and grandkids are wonderful but I too have been concentrating on being a good Mom and Grandma. Our youngest daughter had a very hard time with her Dad's passing and became very depressed last winter so I spent a good deal of time supporting her. I try to make sure I am not a "bother" to any of them. Trying to set a good example of not falling apart. But, like I mentioned before, now I am tired. I want to plan for the future but have no idea what it should look like. The future I had planned is no longer possible. Each morning I light a candle for breakfast and before I blow it out I say "Today I will be my best self". I'm counting on that if I try my best to make each day as good as possible the future will automatically be taken care off. I hope so. Hugs.
Oh gosh yes I have just kept myself so busy that I too am exhausted, I had to sell our house after finishing renovations we started together, bought a smaller more affordable house, buried myself in work as well got a great promotion, down sized our vehicle. Renovating my new little house and look at all my accomplishments but still ponder over our plans we had made together. Everyone including my children say how strong I am but some days or especially nights I just want to feel my husband hug me and kiss me I really have been missing the intimacy lately, and sitting eating a meal at night alone and just start crying. I think I’m still trying to figure out who I am without my husband.
Feeling similar - my loss is very fresh but for some reason I have been feeling like I’ve lost momentum or something....maybe pushing myself too hard nd I find that every day ends the same anyway. Without my love and less meaningful. Trying to keep busy enough but not too busy, do a good deed every day, pray, show gratitude. Was feeling ok about getting my short list done, but not so much now. Walking outside a few times each day with the dog. Helps. He is good company. Not sleeping that great the past couple of weeks. Grateful for these posts and hoping for peace for all of us.
