Over 2 years and the pain still feels fresh

Discussion in 'Loss of Adult Child' started by Jobe, May 3, 2020.

  1. Jobe

    Jobe Member

    Hello grievers, thank you for taking time out of your day to read this. I lost my oldest, a son, on March 2, 2018 to suicide, but even now I cry for him just as I did the day we lost him. His name is Alec and he was the sweetest most caring person anyone could have ever known; he would literally give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He was 25 years old, not married, no children. I feel like I'm missing a part of my heart and soul, everyday is a struggle to get through I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again so I can be with him. Yet, here I am, another day - awake and thinking about him. Everyday I wonder if there was anything I could have done and the guilt that washes over me is heavy. I would normally talk with my sister about things as she was and still is my best friend except... I lost her to liver failure 3 months before losing my son.
     
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Jobe,

    I would first like to say how profoundly sorry I am for the loss of your precious son Alec. To have also lost your sister is so sad as well, I am sorry Jobe. To have to bury your son is such a monumental task that no parent ever wishes to face.

    When I first read your post I had to stop what I was doing and be by myself to collect my thoughts. I was in the service for 12 plus years and have seen suicide too many times. There is no adequate way to overcome these overwhelming losses, for the one(s) who may have been a brother, sister, cousin, coworker, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, and the list is endless.

    I know we all asked why, but of course with no answer. To a soldier, it may have been too seeing too much war, the loss of someone special, and again the list is endless. To you the parent, Jobe the list is also endless, but I know even as my stomach is in knots trying to remember, trying to forget, we can do no better than to say, we loved them, they were our friend and again the list will have no end.

    Please never blame yourself for the loss of Alec. He lost the battle with his demons. What has happened can’t be undone. So Jobe, my heart weeps for you, my God I can understand how broken you must be inside. I also realized each day will be so different, your feelings will be all over the place.

    Jobe, I send a bear hug out to you in this troubling time for you. Please don’t ever wish to give up on yourself Jobe. I know you are so damn hurt inside. Your tears are endless. The days seem so empty without Alec’s beautiful smile, and yes Jobe, he was one amazing looking young man.

    Jobe, I was there, when my parents were notified my closest uncle, dad’s brother, who he fought along within World War 2, took his life by hanging the day after he found his wife deceased.

    Us four children would weep, my parents would be speechless and you could hear their emotions as they spoke to each other and us children.

    Jobe, it is never easy to face loss. The loss of course is so personal to you, but you are never alone in your sorrow, in your hard days. We and others like us are here to talk with you as you need.

    Jobe I want to share something both of my sons one day shared with me. My youngest, in his forties now, told me if anything ever happened to his brother or me he would take his own life. Then years ago as my wife was struggling with terminal cancer, my older son and I came upon my wife of 42 years on the phone with the insurance company.

    We overheard her beg them to let her live. To allow her to continue seeing her doctors. She wanted to live. My son told me he died that day. He no longer cared for life anymore. So each day I wake, each night I go to sleep I am faced with those thoughts some days. I have no answers, no solutions and yes it does drive me nuts some days.

    Jobe you are a caring parent, as I am. Of course our children mean the world to us. I just know Jobe that even though life is some days such an amazing struggle, I pray to God so much. I ask for so little, but expect so much sometimes. My religion, Roman Catholic. I will say a prayer for you and send good thoughts and wishes out to you in this ungodly troubling time.

    I know this isolation makes it even harder to find support. What I do is use the phone and call my step-brother and sisters each day since the loss of my wife. I use the internet to keep in contact with my doctor.

    If you have family, please reach out to them any way you can. Then also consider calling your doctor, any doctor, a counselor, a priest, and lastly a psychiatrist. If you feel like you are losing control of your life, your feelings, your ability to interact, then let them know that and please watch-out for depression. After my parent’s loss I suffered from depression, was treated for 5 months and in the end had lost 100 pounds.

    So take care for now. I hope you will find some peace of mind soon. We will be here to talk with you if you would like. Peace be with you, and God Bless.

    -david

    I hope you don’t mind this song



     
  3. Jobe

    Jobe Member

    David,
    Thank you for the kind words, it took me several tries before I could get to the end. Had to take a few breaks and compose myself.
    Sorry about the loss of your wife, hearing about other people's loss and pain tears at my heart. It's like I can actually feel their pain and sorrow.
    I have gone to a counselor for this, but after 3 months and $1,200 I quit going. I dont believe she was the right kind of counselor for my situation; felt like I was paying someone to be my friend and let me vent for 50 mins, I got nothing from it, and she hadn't lost anyone in her life yet...couldn't relate to my situation.
    My parents are of no help. They have lost 2/3 of their children (my older brother passed away July 3, 2000 and my older sister November 20, 2017) I am the only child left in my family. They can relate completely, but would rather not talk about it.
    Thank you for the story about your sons and wife. I too worry about my other children even more since this happened. Of course it doesn't help that my second oldest, also a son (Aaron), let me know while we were sitting next to Alec's hospital bed that the summer previous (2017) he had seriously considered killing himself. I'm hoping seeing the effect his brothers suicide had on the family has changed his mind.
    Again, thank you for being here and your words.
    Vicky
     
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Vicky,

    Thank You for responding again. I have found that talking about loss is personal, so very hard on anyone that tries they can't help but be emotional as they post. Throughout my life, I have seen much pain, but I have also seen so much healing, so many people overcoming such heartbreaking losses. What I have found that as others speak with profound sadness, sure you can touch it, you feel it, but you can also come to moments of healing inside.

    Vicky, I know your heart breaks each time you think back, as does anyone who has lost, but I also have found an understanding that is common among all who have truly wept those precious tears of loss. I agree it is so easy to be fooled by some who only listen and respond through your pain, but can feel the hollowness that loss creates.

    Vicky, in the service besides my losses, I have been with those who lost their love, their parents and the list goes on. You can see and cry with them, but I was so young then, and only was able to view those losses on the outside of their pain. Unfortunately, you and I are now able to feel those losses with a special kind of pain. I have cried so many tears in my life after loss, as I know you have for Alec and your sister. That essence of them that is now within you, is what now carries you forward in life. You have truly walked in their shoes in the spiritual sense.

    Vicky, we are connected by loss, like so many others. We have that awful feeling inside us, that unwanted hollowness. I have wept for many, for myself and I weep for you as well. Sure my words are sometimes hard to read, but they come from a side of me none of us in life ever wish to experience.

    Yes, I would say the first thing I found is professionals cost money, but priests are free to talk with if you reach out at the right time. I don't know how meaningful religion is to you, but to me I was raised with it and have been a Roman Catholic all my life. I have learned over time, you don't have to force others to believe you just need to show them why you believe in your words and actions. Even if you don't believe, having faith in yourself is just as important as well.

    Sometimes reaching out is so very hard to do. It is hard to find the right connection, sure this isolation makes it so much harder, but it has never stopped me from using the phone, or a video conference over the internet. When I was first in the service in Vietnam, I was playing chess by mail and learning another language. It allowed me to see how valuable even when you feel you are so alone, there are ways to reach out to others. I met my wife Nadine by a letter, she and 31 other girls wrote me in Vietnam. I never looked back, and realize sometimes all it takes is a connection that might seem so innocent that it grows over time.

    Our children Vicky, I know you are crushed for Alex, and so you and I both have those hidden fears for them, no matter what we hear. That is what our love for them is, we want nothing more than to give them our love and guidance. I hope you always remember, you have new friends here at this site, and the only thing it will cost you is your words. Peace be with you today. God Bless you. Please watch out for depression.

    -david

    Here is another song for you

     
  5. Beth Ann

    Beth Ann New Member

    Jobe, I am truly sorry for your losses. When I read your post, I had a moment because I literally said those exact things to my therapist last week. Guilt is a heavy burden that I also carry with me. I lost my mom and son 6 months apart in 2017. My mom (also my best friend) battled lymphoma for several years, she was under Hospice care when she died. My son died in our living room from an overdose of synthetic Fentanyl. I administered CPR, but I couldn't bring him back. I am a nurse and renew my CPR every year. I feel like a failure as a mother and a nurse.So many what if's and if only's.