i have a routine of numbing my pain when people in my life pass away. my close cousin always randomly messaged me, but out of anger i answered sarcastically. she left me on seen and commited suicide a few months after. she relied on me to always be there, but im in a phase where i no longer let others walk over me. i feel guilt for not playing along the last time she messaged me. i was so angry about how she always managed to make me feel bad about myself, and it was okay for her to do the same things i was doing. but she would shift attention to me to save her own ass. i dont understand why she wouldnt just talk to me because im the type to listen without judgement. all of this i just typed out hasnt left my head since january 2019, and i really believe no one would want to hear what im saying. i love her, and i feel guilt for not being her door mat because i bargain and think maybe shed still be alive. i need to wo rk through her passing before i relapse and numb my pain again in january. am i alone in this?
A suicide always leaves those behind with some kind of guilt. Either we blame ourselves or we blame someone else. I think it could be our way to try to bring back the person we lost. You did the best you could. Don't give up on yourself. Continue to be the best person you can be and that will be your way to set the past aside and try to go on with your new normal. I love you. Chris
