Now What

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Abbydabby, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Yes, it’s really weird to me that our families don’t understand or maybe don’t want too. I have friends and relatives from different states that keep in touch more then my own sister next door. Just so strange. And of course all the people and co workers all said if u need anything just let us know but why wouldn’t they just check in once in a while. We were never ones to depend on anyone so that is difficult for me now. I think not sleeping., worry and loneliness has really gotten me down since we have been having to stay home. It just isn’t another to keep my mind busy and occupied. So having a rough few weeks .
     
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  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    glego and Cora, I feel for you both and totally understand. My sister, who is a counselor by the way, came from Florida for the services, stayed 10 days. I only saw her at the wakes and funeral and the get together after the funeral. I thought she was being supportive but learned from others she was walking around trying to make plans for after the wake and after the funeral and each each day she was here. Asking people she doesn’t know for their cell numbers and if they’re on Facebook. She had a huge fight with my sister in law, they let her stay with them. She felt they weren’t catoring her enough. She wanted a different room in their house and blocked all vehicles in with her car, she got in each night after midnight, and she wasn’t with me. There was a verbal fight and she got kicked out of their home.
    After she leaves to go back home she started calling and the calls seemed supportive at first, but it started turning into me listening to her problems and what a horrible life she’s had. Telling me all her issues in life while I’m mourning my husband. Each call became more about her and then I’d realize later she’s accusing me of being a horrible sister. One call she asked if I’m eating better. I was foolish enough to think she really was concerned because I wasnt eating anything. No she was accusing me of eating fast food. I told her to stop judging me and I don’t eat fast food. One thing leads to another I tell her I don’t have the strength for this, let’s not talk for a while. She texts me what a horrible person and sister I am. Only talked to her once since that day last May, I told her I can’t forgive her for what’s she’s done while I’m mourning Ron. She doesn’t even try to make things right.
    But stupid me worries about her and she’s alone while this pandemic is happening. I’ve refrained from calling her, she does t deserve it. I believe she’s a narcissist, and I can’t deal with that.
    So apparently there’s quite a few sisters who just don’t care or want everything about them.
     
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  3. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Wow Robin, just wow. So sorry.
     
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  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you! She has hurt me so much worse then she realizes. I believe the added stress of my sister has made everything more difficult for me. I’m thankful I have 2 brothers, and I can hear Ron saying, keep her out of your life.
    You and Cora both have your own sister stories that boggle the mind as well. So hurtful how we’re being treated.
     
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  5. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    My husband said the same. I did distance myself in the recent years and he noticed I was happier. We'd get together every so often, and I would remind him that now it's at arms length and she'll always be my sister but time together would be limited. But this lack of even a text is sad. She told me once that if I need help just call. Not everyone is alike, I'm not good at asking for help, and especially with this.

    I think all families have some dysfunction, you would just think that it can be pushed aside at these times.
     
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  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    It’s sad how less contact with our sisters make us happier. But it’s true. I’m like you, asking for help is so difficult. I’ve had people say just call if you need anything. I can’t do that ever could. Ron didn’t either. And yes, now even harder.
    My Mom had asked me before she passed, to keep your sister in your life. I promised I would, I’m glad she moved so I don’t feel like I’m failing my Mom. My sister has visited my area 3 times since Ron passed, never once told me she was here.
    I agree, you’d think family could put aside things in times of such a loss.
    Glego, you’re a good person going through a huge loss you don’t deserve to be treated so poorly. None of us do.
     
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  7. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Wow, I thought I was the only one. It just seems since my moms passing in 2016 my siblings don’t even care about anything but themselves. I have a brother that is disabled with ptsd from military and he checks on me more then anyone and he lives in a different state. He just cried about how my other siblings are and doesn’t understand like me. But I tell him, don’t worry about me that my husband treated me wonderful and made me a strong person. I was broken inside from my previous marriage when I meet my husband Terry. I always told him that he was my knight in shining armor. He was the most caring husband, father to my children and papa to the grandchildren. I think my other two siblings are jealous that I had a wonderful husband and he always stood behind me in everything. God how I do miss his support, love and smiles. That’s why it’s so hard to understand why this has happened. I know he was my soulmate and life will never be the same again but he had courage and strength till the end and he would want me to do the same. So we all need to see and talk to the people that make ya happy and don’t worry about the ones that don’t, even if it’s a family member. It’s sad but true, we don’t need any more problems or stress in this life. God bless everyone.
     
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  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    How wonderful of your disabled brother! He gets it, he knows you need support. That’s the unconditional love and support we all need. I’m happy for you that you have him. I do agree about the jealousy, my sister actually admitted she was jealous of what Ron and I had, she saw we were as one, we had such love and respect for each other. She had 2 failed marriages. I also agree that life will never br the same again, how could it but I’m hoping the pain my heart can lessen and life becomes easier. I don’t even look like me, the strain on my face needs to let up. We all know our spouses/loved ones don’t want us to live in this pain we’re dealing with. Ron and I had that talk many times, who ever is left behind needs to go on and be happy and enjoy life. We also knew it would be terribly hard.
    I did get two pick me ups in the last couple days, actually 3. I have 2 brothers, one who supports me sporadically, he’s been in touch much more and his wife as well. My other brother is such a sweet kind person but not supporting me, he called me! When he calls he makes me cry but good tears. And my cousin who lost her brother a month before Ron passed, she text me, she cares she’s a loving person. Those 3 things meant the world to me.
    I agree Cora1961, we need to stay positive with the people who can bring a smile and genuinely care. And shut down the others. My problem is even though my sister hurt me so deeply, she keeps popping up in my head, I worry about her, but can’t deal with her.
    Wishing us all better days!
     
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  9. KVR

    KVR Active Member


    My husband died in November one week after our 25th anniversary. It's been 5 months. He was 53. Not feeling like we fit in anywhere is really hard...we don't even fit in our own skin! We are suddenly different, as you wrote. Conversations and events really do seem inconsequential suddenly right? It's like we are half in the world and half out with our loved one. Or, in the very least, we see that the life we have is less material, less than it used to be, like the death of our loved one has opened up a whole new realization of the transitory nature of life and everything in it. How do you hold on when you know things are temporary? It's a paradox.

    I think we have difficulty dealing with paradox and contradiction in life. We want everything to sit in a neat row, or box, as was our lives when we were with our spouse or loved one. Albeit imperfect, we "made sense" in a logical, social way, our life made sense, we had a set identity and a purpose, a role to play. When all this disappears, what is left but ourselves? And that even feels so empty, knowing our own immortality.

    I have found meditation helps, sitting with myself and just that, accepting. I also do stretching, light yoga and running--I think we don't understand how much our bodies effect our mindset and it helps to get blood flowing throughout our spine and different parts of our body, our heart--for example, requires a lot of nourishment when it's broken.

    I also have been thinking a lot about second chances, that we can recreate ourselves if we have the energy to do so. We can let go of some of that role we played when we were married. You can hold onto any piece and let go those elements that never suited you. You can also experiment with new ways of being in this freedom. Just some recent thoughts.
     
  10. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member



    KVR,

    So sorry for the loss of your husband. Having been with someone for over two decades says how strong that union was. I was with my wife Nadine for 42 years.

    Sad but true how after a loss so much seems insignificant. We hate our life, we might even wonder why. There is nothing really anyone can say that makes us feel better. We might want to reset time and start it all over again.

    I understand how the only thing that is important to us is the one we loved and lost. Nothing else seems to matter. Yes, we are here for what seems like the blink of an eye, and then we are not. Sometimes it hard to take anything seriously when we have to face our losses in life.

    I remember as I knew I was losing Nadine. I so wondered what life would have been like if I had done this, or perhaps that, and always came back to reality - seeing my sons, reading our letters to each other, looking back over pictures together. Sure I wished for so many things more, but I do accept I had so many wonderful years with her. We each will have regrets.

    When fate steps in and we are faced with sad facts of life, it is easy to want to deny them, but then that would be to deny our lives we led. I won’t ever wish for my life to be different.

    The exercise and meditation have also been a part of my life. When I sit and write, music is playing, soft music with no words, it allows me to focus better. I also make sure to keep hydrated.

    Yes, after marriage, we can drop those things we changed in life just for our spouses. If we also have children, age does not matter, those unique interactions need to remain intact for the sake of sanity.

    After the death of my father, I forgot about myself and focused only on others. I ended up developing depression. I was treated for depression. So if you find yourself falling into despair, reach out to others for help.

    Please take care of yourself. The broken road of grief can be long and arduous to our souls.

    Peace be with you.


    -david


    Here is a song for you today


     
  11. KVR

    KVR Active Member

    Thank you, David. I see you are a key member on this sight and you help. Music seems to be your special touch, and your words as well, are thoughtful. Nadine was a lucky woman. Perhaps you have found someone to share your love, since her passing? After 42 years, that can be difficult and with everything going on in the world and you know, just life. My best to you.
     
  12. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    KVR,

    Here is a melody and song for you today



    Why music thrives within me is because of who my mother influenced me to become in life. As children we would gather in the living room. Father, my step-brother, my two sisters and me, and we would listen to mother sing to us. I can't tell you how amazing her voice was, but she affected my life towards music so much. She even talked to my older sister and me to take dance together. So we would learn a new routine each spring, then come the day of recital we would dress in our costumes, walk out onto the stage, blinded by the lights, and tap dance and sing. I never knew how she would hold those pictures over us to behave, she knew how to bend our will.

    As for me, today I am good with who I am becoming. I share a house with my sons, and we can help one another. Their mothers loss cut deep into their souls. So I do the best I can to make them smile, make them want to strive for more, and lastly I will never let them down if I can help it. My brother after losing his wife, also to cancer, accepted her loss and then was able to find another to keep him company. I am just not ready even with all the lonely nights. Of course I have those feelings but I am always brought back to Nadine. I just honestly can't tell how long it will take to be able to be with another. That could be who I am, and my faith as a Roman Catholic. I would never put my faith before another person feelings. One day perhaps I can allow my heart to look for another. I guess I should have become a priest. :p

    Take care of yourself. Make sure you allow yourself to release those emotions and watch out for depression. Peace be with you and may it come to your heart, mind and soul.

    -david


    As a child Ozzie & Harriet was a favorite show of mine. I was amazed at how great Ricky Nelson sang

     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    David,
    Your story of your Family all together in the living room listening to your Mom sing is such a wonderful memory. I have a similar memory, my Mom played the piano and organ at church and sang too. At home we had a piano and she used to play and sing for all of us like your Mom did for your family. I have great memories of her playing all the Christmas carols during the holidays. And for some reason I vividly remember her playing Mary Poppins songs. And of course she would play hymns. My Mom suffered with dementia as she got older but out of no where she would start singing, Jesus Loves Me This. I Know, and God Bless America. She knew all the words. We used music to help you remember things and it always made her sing along and feel happy.
    Just thought I’d share.
    Robin