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Not Liking This Life Without My Wife/Soulmate/Lover/Best Friend

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by PaxVobiscum, Mar 13, 2021.

  1. Like you, I am 61, and I lost the love of my life after 41+ years of marriage the day after your first post. I have been a physician for the past 35 years, but nothing has prepared me for the depth of sorrow I have felt since Lisa died. I had over 2 years to "get ready" since her cancer was diagnosed January 17, 2019. She was in hospice at home since January 6th this year, and I was able to be with her just about 24/7 since then. I have two wonderful kids who have been there to support me, and I have found a lot of support on this site, and recognize a lot of spouses who deeply loved and are now feeling the loss. But as I spent last Saturday reading over several threads including Homesick, and responding to several posts, I spent most of that day sobbing. I still have not gotten to the point of being able to talk or think about my wife without breaking down, unless I have on my "doctor face" as my wife used to say. But i have found several posts to be especially helpful, and hopefully I am inching forward. I know my wife would want me to find a new purpose and to find some sense of happiness. One of the threads I read last week had the following prayer posted, and I thought it was especially appropriate for all of us.
    "Lord, I did not want a new life. I liked my old one just fine, but I understand that going back is not an option. Therefore, Lord, I will move forward. Teach me to seek You and embrace You and grow in this new life. Amen."
    I hope that you will feel supported my members on this site as I have, and feel free to post to my profile if you need a sounding board. I pray for peace in your heart and perhaps memories of your wife' will soon bring a smile instead of a sob.
     
    PaxVobiscum likes this.
  2. I don't think I knew you had a business and worked with your husband. I don't know how many times I've heard people say they don't know how they will be able to stand their spouse being around them 24/7 after retirement, and I always thought, "Am I odd, or is that just really sad. I would have loved to have been able to spend all day every day with my wife, especially before the last 3 months of her life. Now, one of the few regrets I have is that I worked so much for so many of our best years together. I know why, and I know we agreed as we were both a little bit of workaholics, but you always expect that would provide a future where we could spend more time together, not one where we are separated just before "paydirt". I went to church last night and heard the pianist play several variation on many hymns and Christian songs, and I almost had to leave due to sobbing. I was very glad to have a mask. I know it will take time and "practice", but I wonder how long it will be before I can talk about her without losing it.
     
  3. GailJ

    GailJ New Member

    I am so sorry for your loss 3 months ago. My husband, age 63, passed suddenly at home, apparently in his sleep, one week ago. This feels familiar to me in some way because we lost a son 20 years ago. But yet it's also different.
    My daughter and I comfort each other. I'm sorry you have no children; that's hard. Thank the Lord for your rescue dog, he will help you a lot. Your friends who make insensitive comments have no idea what they're talking about. I guess we can just continue to love those people and realize that they don't mean to be hurtful or unhelpful.
    I was just thinking tonight about going to the restaurant my husband and I liked the best. I realized I can't go back there, at least not for a long time. It doesn't seem important right now. I'd rather not go anywhere that we were together, but that's not practical.
    My daughter, my husband's sisters, and I are determined to keep talking about him and letting our feelings out. We are scared of getting "stuck' or stuffing our true feelings.
    Please safeguard your health and try to practice good habits, even if it seems pointless sometimes.
    May God bless you and I hope that knowing you are not alone is helping.
     
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Ron and I absolutely loved doing everything together. We always had people say to us how are you together all the time and still like each other. We loved each other. Time apart felt wrong, our time together was life at its best. You’re not odd in wishing you could spend all day together. But apparently it’s very rare.
    Try not to have regrets, this was part of your life plan to work and e joy life together after retirement. But I understand your thoughts on that.
    Give yourself time, talking about our spouses although it’s good for us it’s also difficult. We’re all different and we all move at our own pace but there will be a time when your wonderful memories and wonderful life will bring a smile. Or talking of her, you won’t cry as much, for most of us it seems to take quite a bit of time. I’m at 2 yrs and I have times I can talk of memory and feel how special it was, others times I can’t speak of memories at all. It’s very a very difficult process.
    She is with you and a part of you. You each helped each other become the people you were and are. She’s a part of you.
     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  5. It as if your prophecy was fulfilled today! Ok maybe not 100%. But I was able to go to church and got through a very emotionally charged service without breaking down. Not to say I didn't tear up just a bit. But it was much better, and more manageable. I am finding it very strange to be in public without her, and that feels very lonely. Once again, the work environment is about the same as it was for most of last year, except that I don't feel the need to hurry home like I did last year. Progress in little steps I guess. Seems the loneliness in public is different from the loneliness in an empty house. I have never had a roving eye, and I don't think I ever will. But I do notice unescorted women, and feels very odd and somehow disloyal to me. I know that's not true, and I know Lisa would set me straight if she were able to send me a text or email. But still, do you know what I mean?
     
  6. I read your message today, and I am beginning to hear the same thing enough from people on this website to realize my precious wife and I were not the ONLY soulmates on planet Earth who would have loved being together 24/7. I lost my bride three weeks ago today, and now it seems so long ago that we were together. She was so sick the last three months that we all wanted her to be finished with her pain, but the kids, her dad, and I would have loved to have been able to keep her with us if she could have been healthy. I know a sudden loss like that is much different, and perhaps more difficult. Point I am trying to get to is this: Keep telling your story any place you can, and find strength and solace in those closest to you. I will be praying for your heart to be lifted up and your spirit renewed this Easter.
     
  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Charlie, I’m sorry I haven’t been on in a little while. My daughter and I went to Florida to visit my son. I can’t say whether it was good to get away or not. It was great to spend time with my son, I miss him so much. But going places I should be going with Ron makes my heart ache. Coming back home by myself, having the empty home is so sad. There’s just so many ups and downs as we try to push forward in a life that is now so different. I’ve come to the conclusion that my our/my home is definitely my safe place and that’s a good thing but it’s not my happy place any more. Our home was full of life and happy times happy memories. It’s hard to ha e those memories that were wonderful, but now make you sad. The social distancing during covid has set me back, while mourning we need to be contact with people and talk about our loved ones and that’s been a struggle. I will say this site has helped a lot. I’m happy for you that you were able to get through church services a little easier. Hopefully that continues but it could change at any moment.
    I totally do understand what you mean in seeing unescorted women, for me when I see men in grocery stores and it looks like they’re struggling to figure out what to purchase I wonder if they’re in the same situation as me. Did they recently lose their wife, are they trying to make one of her dishes or trying to figure out which cut of meat to get. I know many men have great abilities in the kitchen, but the ones that catch my attention are those who look like what am I supposed to get. Just like I look like a fish out of water in home improvement stores. You’re right though, you’re not being disloyal at all, we need to keep telling ourselves our loved ones would want us to live life, to continue on and try to find some happiness. But it sure is difficult. Ron and I had those difficult conversations, even though neither of us had health issues other then me with RA. We told each other if something should happen to one of us to enjoy life. I’m trying.
    Robin
     
  8. Robin, I want you to consider this: It seems to me that we who have known real genuine love and have been blessed with a soulmate, while we may suffer more because of the depth of our love and the closeness of our relationships, we also have more reason to hope that somewhere, God has someone hand picked to help us find and fulfill His new purpose for our lives after loss. God has not given up on us, and we should not give up either. Acknowledging the pain of our loss and the severity of our grief does not take away the need for love and affection in our lives. And I know our loved ones would not want us to live lonely, loveless lives from now on. So, while I am not out "hunting", I am encouraged to know that there are others who have loved and lost. And we all need to find solid footing when we can, so we can live in a way that would make our late spouses proud. I think that includes being open to eventually finding and giving love after loss.
     
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you Charlie, I know Ron and I were one, it’s as if we bonded in such a way that we became one person. I have the feeling you had that with your wife. Ron was and still is my everything and I was for him. We didn’t have a lot of people in our lives because we were so happy with each other. I will never give up, but life certainly became very difficult over night. I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs and just when I start think ok I’m doing better, something causes an emotional breakdown. I agree that God hasn’t given up on us and has a purpose for taking our spouses and a purpose for us as well. Eventually we’ll figure it all out. For me, my belief is that we each have one soul mate, Ron and I each knew we were each other’s soul mate on the evening we met. I honor Ron in everything I do and I need him to be proud I’m his wife. I know that he is. I certainly won’t say never, I know I had my soul mate in Ron.
    My purpose for now is to help people any way I can and to let them know that the pain they’re feeling is normal and they’re not alone. Even though life right now feels pretty lonely. Sharing stories of our loved ones is so cathartic.
    I hope you’re having a good day today. And continue on the journey towards better days everyday.
     
    LindaH likes this.
  10. 1Longstem

    1Longstem Member

    For Pax Vobiscum
    - I feel your pain - I lost my husband of 33 years to liver cancer - sept 2019 - I am Catholic too - we had 1 son - but he’s grown & married & lives w his wife . I now live alone - I had to sell my husbands & my dream house - couldn’t afford it, plus it was too big & my husband died @ home in that house - too many very painful memories. Yes prayer - is my comfort - in the beginning I was very mad @ God for taking my husband but whatever His reason - I don’t expect an explanation I did buy a new small house in a very nice subdivision but it’s very lonely - hve my 2 dogs but it’s still lonely. I will pray for you
     
  11. 1Longstem

    1Longstem Member

    I had to post again regarding stupid insensitive remarks- NOPE u don’t ever get over your loss - eventually the sadness is not quite so bad & u assimilate the grief- the sadness into your life /.hve to say hve had friends tell me yep you need to move in & the remark or the reply that I got from my 23 year old son this past Easter - when I told him I was missing dad - he said “aww “ pitying me - like again he felt I was feeling sorry for myself .
     
  12. PaxVobiscum

    PaxVobiscum Member

    @1Longstem: Thank you for kind words. I'm sorry your son said that to you. He doesn't understand. He lost his dad, but you lost your soul mate. My own personal experience is that loosing a spouse is a lot different from loosing a parent or anyone else. Other widows/widowers have agreed. I have never lost a child, but I'm sure that type of loss has its own unique level of pain too and I can't truly understand what they are going through because I haven't experienced anything like it. I believe there really is something to the whole "becoming one flesh" thing that is mentioned in Genesis about the bounding that happens between husband and wife. There is a spiritual bond between husband and wife that is different and extraordinary. I lost both of my parents over 20 years ago and the feeling of loss and pain was no where near what I experienced loosing my wife. Your son simply doesn't understand what you are feeling just like my friends didn't understand what I was going through. They mean well and maybe think they are giving us "tough love" encouragement, but they just don't understand. Until someone experiences the loss of a spouse, they really shouldn't judge those of us who have. Someday they too may experience it first hand and then they will better understand. I actually was thinking of that earlier today .... thinking about my mom after my father died and what she must have gone through and felt. My father's first wife died, so my father knew this kind of loss too. He never talked about it, but now I often think about him and I have a better understanding of what he must have gone through after his first wife's death. My mom only lived 3 years after my father died. I really do believe in the "communion of saints" that we proclaim in the creed, so I think both my mom and my dad have been praying for me during this time and I think it is one of the things that is helping me, along with my wife's prayers for me. It has been 5 months since she passed and I am doing better now than I was. Her birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, so I think that will probably be a hard day.