OMG......you are NOT complaining. You are voicing pain that is deep inside. You have no answers - only questions. I cannot imagine your pain. I thought my 1 year anniversary (TODAY) of P's death was horrible but not to know why, what, or how - must be overwhelming. My grandkids annoy me like you are saying but TRY (no judgment) to see his pain too. Some days if I didn't have my dog - I wouldn't get out of bed. I don't believe in prayer but will try to send positive thoughts your way.