No Support System

I lost My Dad Jan 26th 2020 I never experienced a pain so deep , I have a twin Brother an elder sister and My mom , who do you reach out to if you cannot get the proper support from your family? your extended family comes to the memorial service but you don't hear from anyone after all is over , I don't have friends , so who do I turn to ? I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown , I am trying to be strong but even the strong gets weak also , there is more to this story it goes deep and years back , but right now can someone give me some advice on what to do?

 

Hi Erica,
I am sure it's hard not having a support system. I lost my dad suddenly last month and being the eldest child I took care of everything from the hospital to funeral arrangements. Now things are settling in and I feel it, boy do I feel it
Have you thought about speaking with a counselor?

 

I have tried several times , and it did not end up working , when I was at my weakest I made an appointment , went to the appointment and the counselor was one hour late coming out to get me , he did not let me know this as time went on , I left after 30 minutes of waiting and he called me on my phone 1 hr after my appointment time to tell me he got tied up in his last session... he even told me " why didn't you go to the front desk to ask where I was" Unbelievable , I told him if you knew you had a 7pm appt. you should of came out to me or should of had the receptionist tell me something , anyway I lost faith , other times I tried to reach one but they did not return my call , you know its so sad that people go through these difficult times alone , all the people I am around I think makes my heart feel worse I never experienced a pain like this as Of Jan 26th 2020 2:07am my life has not been the same , that's why I reached out to this group hoping I can find the support I need , I am very sorry for your loss I took care of all the arrangements without any help from my siblings , its rough all I can say is its Rough

 

Ericka,

I am very sorry for the loss of your father. With his loss so recently, it has to be unbearable. I lost my father when he passed from lung cancer, it was a struggle to make it after that, but I had to for the sake of my mother who I ended up caring for my mother for two years.

I too have a brother and two sisters, all still living. I would say each parent we lose affects each of us differently. Your brother and sister and mom are most likely grieving privately keeping their pain to themselves. Not being able to talk with someone about our personal losses in life is what hurts the most.

I understand how frustrating it is to be able to not open up about loss, of course you are angry. That is natural. When family is not able to talk with you, or professionals are not available you need to reach out to others if at all possible.

What I found out is by not dealing with my grief (talking about it), I too was holding my anger inside me. That is how trouble begins. You forget about yourself when you look after others. What I did not realize is how depression can come into our lives so easily if we are not careful after loss.

I neglected myself and developed panic attacks. I won’t go into details, but I was eventually diagnosed and treated with antidepressants for 6 months. I required 5 of those months for me to recover from that depression.

So how do you find support, talk to us, complete strangers if you are unable to talk to others. Please realize, just by telling us how you feel, it allows your emotions that have built up over a lifetime for your father and the recent passing of him to be discussed and worked on.

Keeping feelings and sorrow inside you does no good, as it slowly eats you up inside emotionally. Those repressed emotions are like an unlit fire inside. As time passes and you are unable to face them they can ignite and do so much damage to your psyche.

Ericka, talk about whatever you are comfortable with. Nothing is off limits. Talking helps, no matter how hurt you are inside. Understand, just because you talk to us, if you can get counselling or a psychiatrist that is also recommended. Having more than one person or others to speak to is helpful.

Post as often as you wish. Question anything you don’t agree with. But first and foremost, be honest with yourself, and open with your comments. We are all adults, and will also treat you as one, but one who is extremely hurt deep inside.

I was married for 42 years, have two sons, my wife died of cancer, it will have been 5 years on the 19th of this month. I spent a lot of time working through my feelings, talking with priests, counsellors and psychiatrists. Grief takes time to overcome. I am ok now, so no need to worry about my losses. I just wanted to put some of my life so you might understand who I am.

Please take care and be mindful of despair. Peace be with you.


-david


This is a song for you

 

CC2002,

So sorry for the loss of your dad. Being the responsible one after loss is one that weighs heavily on anyone who is put in that position. You are so right, after things slow down and you can actually breathe and think about life, what has happened and how you go forward is so troubling and depressing for anyone.

Let me elaborate on my dad's death. I was married, had two sons, still going to college, my last year, and taking my mom to dialysis 3 times a week. In 1990 on Valentines day he asked me to ride him to the doctors. I did and waited outside because he wished to do it alone, such a strong headed man.

He came out, opened the car door and got in. He then sat silent for 10 minutes. At that point he asked me to take him to the lake. I did and we parked the car. He finally turned to me, looked me in the eyes, absolutely shook me to my soul, and said David I want you to take care of your mother. The doctor told me I had lung cancer and had a week at most. I of course would never say no to dad, no matter what.

So I drove dad home in his car. He went in the house, I went home after some more talking with him. He had a hospice nurse assigned to him. The next day as I came in the house,he was on the phone making his funeral arrangements. We had another long talk and I left.

One day later I received a call from the hospice nurse and headed back to dad's home. The nurse said your dad's heart is slowing down. I put my arm around mom, and in less than a minute later dad died. I hugged mom, she bent down to hug and kiss dad. The nurse cleaned up and left.

So I took care of mom for two years. It was tough but someone had to do it. Mom was taken by ambulance to a special hospice hospital near my older step-brother, he took over care. She died of stomach flu.

So I know losing my parents is hard, so very hard. There are no words that are adequate, each parent loved you in their own way. I have recovered from their loss.

CC2002, if you are able to seek counselling, a psychiatrist, even a priest it would help. If you can talk to family, friends, each one of them also might help if you can talk it out. Talking with us is also quite ok.

Whatever, you take the time to work on your sorrow. Talk as much or as little as you would like. The first thing to remember is, you are no longer alone on your broken road of grief. Everyone on this site has seen loss from so many different perspectives. So post whenever on whatever.

Please watch out for despair, because it can lead to depression. Take each day slowly. Even if you are angry, lost and really don’t know what to say that is ok. Just mention you would like to talk. I hope you will find some peace today and the days forward.

-david


This is a song I found for you

 

I can understand how that had to be rough being that you are already grieving. I have not explored much on this page but plan to this weekend. It seems like a great place to find support.

 

Thank you David and thank you for sharing that with me. I spoke with a therapist today and decided to start sessions next week. I also found this site to be very helpful as all of us are experiencing loss in some way or another. In short, my dad went into the hospital on March 8 around 1:00am from chest pains. he called me but I was sleep and left me a voicemail that he was in the hospital and it was bad and he will be transferred to get emergency surgery. He had a sudden torn aorta, and suffered major complications while in surgery, including three strokes. He never woke up, and other health issues started. I sat by his bedsit for a week and a half. I watched him as he took his very last breath, it was the hardest decision I ever made and the hardest thing I ever saw. I miss him so much, I feel empty, I feel a hole, I have a million and one questions, there are moments my whole body aches, moments of panic, moments I want to stay in bed ALL DAY! We were so close, and he was single, 64 years old- he lived a lonely life so we stayed connected. I try to make it my point to keep in mind all of the great memories and his contagious laughter and smile! I am glad I came across this group.

 

CC2002,

Good picture of you. I have found by sharing stories of loss it not only helped me overcome my grief, but it does help others to open up and reach out. Excellent on therapy sessions. I myself after my panic attacks during depression also did the same and had antidepressants for 5 months. So, loss can be significant if you can’t release your emotions that have built up over a lifetime and then topped off by the loss of someone significant to you.

Of course you miss your dad. I did as well. His loss coupled with so many responsibilities is what drove me into depression. So make sure you let your therapist know how enormously hard it was for you, being responsible for your dad, and how it profoundly affected you.

By talking, and allowing yourself to open up you will not only feel better slowly, but it will help you cope so significantly more. Again so sorry for your dad's loss.

This is the collection of music I gathered as I was grieving my wife’s loss. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkOiFVSICXoJFxZsKk4micA/playlists?view_as=new+visitor

Those are stored under my YouTube name and are free to listen to without subscribing. In life as I grew my music amassed to 3k vinyls, cassettes, tape recordings as music was something I lived and loved music and will till I am no more. Alas, that collection is no more, but it is still deeply within my soul, all the music.

Never forget, your loss is major to you, and your family. It takes time to be able to face your doubts, your fears, your feelings and so much more. So please never feel like you are just on a treadmill getting nowhere.

In my life I have seen loss from so many perspectives the likes of which shake anyone’s soul. But, I am here today to tell you, due to my faith in God I survived them all and though I will never forget those losses, my faith helped me become who I am today.

I also want you to realize, faith is not necessary for you, or anyone else. It is one of personal choice and always will be. You and all others are who you are, and who you will become in the future. Be well and take care. Peace be with you.

One last thing in my life I have talked to priests, counsellors and psychiatrists - those choices were the best thing I ever did in my life. I also learned over time, your life is one that is shared with so many people, without even realizing it. It is who we all are, we shape ourselves through time.

-david


Here is a music collaboration between two countries, a young girl from the US and another from Italy. This is during the world pandemic.

 

I agree it does seem like a great place to find support , hopefully we can all pull together and get through this pain , Im sure you know the feeling of this unbearable pain these days are especially hard with this quarantine going on it seems like I am being hit from all over thank you again for reaching out , that was the most support Ive got since my dads passing, lets try and get through this

 

David , I am so humbly grateful for your support that was very kind of you to reach out and share your experience with loss and to be able to provide healing words to us I lost my sight of things , Im forgetting much and I don't have the energy to do anything , I am a very healthy person I eat very healthy I exercise etc.. my dad use to tease me because I was Vegan , but lately I have just been letting it go and eating just whatever , now its a struggle to get up and exercise I mean a struggle , I do have to be honest with myself , I do need to stop blaming myself , I will be posting as I do need this support , just the fact that I am able to write how I feel and have others respond is the best support I could have ever asked for , again thank you for your support

 

Ericka,

You are quite welcome, but let's talk more about you. Each of us when we lose a loved one can easily become lost and have no direction.

It is ok to feel exasperated. It is normal to feel drained and tired all the time after significant loss as such as yours. Even when you are a healthy person you have to be extremely careful, as your concentration is diminished, and it would be easy to injure yourself unintentionally.

When we have no energy, it affects our sleep patterns. What happened to me when I was in this state after my grandfather passed, I went to sleep, had a knock on the door, woke suddenly, attempted to get up and both my legs were asleep. Never had I ever experienced this before. It was as if they were paralyzed. So I fell onto the cement floor on both my kneecaps. The person at the door was persistent and again I tried to get up and my legs were still asleep, and yes, back onto both knees. I crawled to the door, opened it, finished talking, and sat in the chair by the door. Later I would need 4 arthroscopic knee procedures, the final replacing a bone chip they removed with a filling.

So please don't neglect when you are tired. Be careful, as anything can happen when you lack enough sleep.

It will take you time to move beyond and off this broken bridge of grief. It will be trying to your mind as you work through sorrow. Recovering from loss takes time. Each one of us has no set time, no point we will know to reach, but when the day finally comes and you will realize your focus is coming back, and you will become more levelheaded. During loss it is simple to forget. I use to say, where is my military nametag so I could see my name.

Whatever you do be aware of how sad you might become and how intense it is. Too strong and it can lead you into depression. Take care and if you can also talk with a psychiatrist or counselor so they can help as well. Peace be with you.

-david


This is a song from Lord of the Rings

 

Eri

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I had to question "am I getting sick"? I was tired ALL THE TIME, had no energy and no motivation. I realized grief can be physical, it hurts. I felt empty, heavy, and my body ached so bad. That really scared me, especially during the time of "the pandemic". I made the choice to allow myself to grieve and feel those pains and boy was it painful. The night I found this sight I could barely type in my email address, but I knew I was led to it for a reason. I unpacked my dad's final boxes last weekend and listened to the song David posted "Heaven need a hero", I must have cried a gallon of tears but I needed to. I will make it my point to get more familiar with this site and other's. I am convinced that we may never truly get over losing our loved one, we will get through it, day by day, perhaps the getting through will be for a lifetime.

 

More about me, a woman who is caring love to do for others without expecting anything in return, trying to associate with others only to get disappointed because someone is either Jealous or trying to be in some type of competition, Drama has followed me since day one in my life, growing up in a home of 4 which I am the baby along with my twin brother, my eldest brother committed suicide in 1987 what a way to be introduced to death.

I lost my faith in God at the time and I felt a numbness that I think never went away... my siblings never cared for my dad too much only because he was a very strong disciplinarian military background, wounded in Vietnam 68 lost his arm, but I was always teased by my siblings that he never treated me bad, and I was his favorite, I really didn't realize how strong my twin brother felt about that until after my fathers passing he called me continuously every day knowing I was grieving and still grieving only to speak bad things about my father and to talk how I was his favorite, it was like he loved to see me in pain, I had to finally block his phone number but I hear him on the phone with my mom daily and it feels as if I am not getting any peace or time to grieve properly.

After all, I have endured in my life it is left me not to trust people too much because it seems like when I get too close I get disappointed, I had belonged to this religious group and its a big congregation huge thousands of members, and we all suppose to be like family, do you know none of them gave me any type of support but 2 people when my dad passed ?, I was so weak and I needed help I had to prepare his memorial, obituaries, banking info housing, etc.. it was tough doing that alone ... my dad did not have insurance so I had to do all of this myself, that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I once again started losing faith, but I am slowly trying to fight and get my mind back on track, I totally quit that congregation and to tell you the truth it seems like a big log has been lifted off my chest, but I still have that big void, that emptiness, the sleepless nights, the daydreaming while driving not realizing my surroundings as I'm driving, I'm irritable, angry, and I a sooooo depressed, when I wake up in the morning I feel at my worst, it seems like I get more relaxed at night when its time to go to sleep, I don't understand that.

I know this is a process I definitely do but this pain is so bad April 26th will be 3 months its torture.

 

Hi, do you still feel the pain and body aches ? and if not how did they dissipate ? that's what I am experiencing right now , I m normally a physically fit person , I asked told my mom I think Im getting arthritis , that's how intense my pain is , back , knees legs , my neck and I have to sleep with a bite guard because I grind my teeth and my jaw will be locked up in the morning if I don't , cleaning out my dads place I swear was so hard i broke down every two mins. my brother came over his home and was taking things out his home like he was shopping at a department store i was so angry and I feel you regarding your weakness , I cannot even tell you how I found this site or remember signing up how is a typical day for you ?

 

Yes I do still feel body aches and pains, mainly in my arms and hands. I get so stiff sometimes all I can do i lay down in bed and try my best to relax. Cleaning out their belongings is very hard, it makes you truly realize they are gone and not coming back. The night my dad got sick he drove himself to the hospital and they transferred him to another for the surgery. I had to go get his pick up truck, and it is now parked in my driveway, what a sad reminder, but I have it now. My siblings didn't help me clean his place, but I did offer them to help.
A typical day for me: I work full time in Accounting and go into the office two days a week and the other three I work from home. I get through the day pretty well, mainly because I am very busy. My emotions and feelings do come and go. I notice when I slow down I feel like I have ran a marathon, I am exhausted. At first it was very hard to focus and concentrate, but I tell myself daily that i must continue to live a productive life and I know that he would have wanted me to do so.

 

That's what I feel the stiffness, its so irritating, that's good you can get out of the house also I wish I could I believe that will help so much, I just got news today my sister was admitted into the hospital she has pneumonia and her white blood count cells are so low that its easy for her to catch anything, they stated they will isolate her, GIRL !! when it rains it puts I hope all will be ok she has any underlying health conditions and I am a little scared .....I hope your day today was a littlethan yesterday and the day before, continue to keep fighting as I will also its me feels like me against an army but I will do it

 

Thank you! I'm sorry to hear about your sister, I hope she recovers quickly. I have learned to rest, it helps a bit.

 

Thank you , I am definitely going to try that and I hope you are getting the proper rest as well , thank you so much for reaching out

 

Thank you

 

Ericka,

Sorry for not getting back sooner to you. That is truly sad about your brother. My family, an older step-brother, an older sister, me, then my younger sister. We also grew up with drama as all bigger families do. When one of us got sick, like with chickenpox, she would make sure each of us caught it so the doctor would only have to come once, as money was scarce during them days.

That is unfortunate for your fathers experience in Vietnam. Both my step-brother and I each served two tours there.

In life when we face a crisis it is easy to lose our faith. My brother, whose first father died in World War 2 invasion day told me he has never had faith since he became aware of his dad’s death. My two sons since their mother’s death said the same to me. I too have seen death in my life, but my faith is what kept me grounded. I will say as a Roman Catholic, I always tell let my family know I still believe.


I found when my younger sister held so much anger, she would take out on those not responsible. I always wanted the best for her, but it wasn’t until our parent’s death that she finally started to heal inside. Each of us holds so much inside, anger, hurt, and we might not ever find a way to heal from it.


I let myself do that and eventually was treated for depression for 5 months. So it wasn’t until I talked with my physician and a psychiatrist at the same time that they both knew it could be a combination of family deaths and Vietnam deaths. I was given antidepressants, that slowly helped me overcome my symptoms.


It is normal to be angry after deaths and disappointments in life. No one knows how to overcome it all as a person. So we go blindness through life hoping things will work themselves out. Also taking and being responsible for so much is something that can try your soul. It can make things harder to face. That is how I developed depression, not seeking help with what I was being overwhelmed with.


Sorrow and loss takes time. There are no easy solutions. I found after my wife died that I could not find peace of mind until I reached out to strangers. I felt as though I could be open and hold nothing back. It just takes time, a lot of talking, reaching out to professionals and others, and not giving up on yourself. The first person you should ever have faith in, is you, and you alone. Once you trust yourself, you can work on your life.


I hope peace will come to you. That your nights will no longer be so lonely and that you give life and chance to help you through these difficult times.


-david


This is a melody for you