Roberta,
So sorry for your loss of Clint. Marrying your childhood sweetheart had to be wonderful. Being with him for over two decades I am sure you had many great memories, like having three children.
To lose any of our children breaks our heart, and when Hunter passed was tragic, I am saddened by your losses. Then to have your daughter be in a terrible accident and almost dying, is a crisis of your heart.
Living with cancer and watching Clint slowly getting weaker as time went on had to be smothering. I know when my wife Nadine died of cancer, my two sons and I had 10 years to prepare, but when that moment came it was indescribable let alone bearable.
Roberta, dealing with such losses is extremely hard to get beyond. I know for me nights were lonely, days were long and sometimes with no clear cut purpose other than to make it through the day.
After loss I found it easy to question my actions, did I do enough, did I truly listen to Nadine. I now understand it was just me grieving, I wanted answers, why and how this happened. The sad fact is when tragedy comes into our lives, we are helpless.
With you having found a purpose and becoming one who helps others in need was amazing. Having to deal with the loss of those you love, and those you treat is of course very depressing. Clint was great how he helped you cope with those moments.
While we were married, 42 years, Nadine lost her two brothers, and one of her sisters, her parents and a grandmother who watched over her during high school. I was there for her with each loss, and as resilient as she was, she made it through and never went into depression.
When we had our 2nd child, he almost died in her arms, so she went to nursing school and trained in the Baltimore General hospital emergency room area. I think she believed since I was in the Army, and could be sent off at a moments notice, she never wanted to feel so helpless again in her life. So life does motivate us all to do things we never would have dreamed of doing.
It is uncanny how life moves us, while Clint guided you during his worst time in life, Nadine did the same for us. Details don’t matter as much as how love even guides us during hopeless times.
Roberta, I am so sorry for all you have had to face in life. Even after all this time cancer is so unforgiven. Having your children also suffer is one of, how does your mind handle it all, how do I face them, and not show them I am so shattered inside. Wow, you have experienced a lot of pain, too much in fact, but you are still here, you were here for them in their greatest time of need even if it did not have the best ending.
When you say how strongly you had to visit Clint’s gravesite, I understand truly. After my wife passed I kept a painting of her, hung it in the hall. I would find myself talking to her so many times when I am sure I am alone. I have been unable to go to gravesites, my losses, and funerals shaped me into that in life, so rather than face them that way, I have used tokens, photos and mementos to help me remember them all.
Roberta, it will take time, crying a river of tears, many nights tossing and turning, as grief is overwhelming at times. I found what finally helped me get beyond my profound sadness was openly talking about my losses and my feelings with complete strangers. It took me so long to finally face the loss of my wife.
I don’t know if it was because of all my other losses I faced in life and collectively they all finally came to an impossible thing to overcome. But talking, sharing, helped me recover. I know at first my thoughts were fragmented, not well thought out, but as time passed, and my emotions did no longer hurt so much inside, I could get past the hurt and finally talk.
I won’t kid you, in April it will have been five years since my wife passed, and I can still get emotional when I talk of her, and tears, boy do they form. So please take care of yourself and hold your children and tell them you love them each and every day.
We are in awful times, we have no promises of what tomorrow will bring, but as long as we can show our continued love that is all that matters anymore. Please keep talking, no matter how you feel. Peace be with you.
-david
This song is for your troubled mind
This song is for Hunter’s loss
This is for the loss of Clint your beloved
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