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Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by CarlaW, Jan 19, 2019.

  1. ReneeLight

    ReneeLight Active Member

    Winifred, I know exactly how you feel. The first few month were so bad. I cried constantly and couldn’t make any decisions. My grown children help me a lot. I had to take a few months off work because I couldn’t concentrate and I’d get weepy. I back half time and going full time again shortly. I don’t go places much anymore. My kids often go to the store for me. One of my first thoughts was what you said. There’s absolutely nothing we can do about losing our loved ones. I went to a therapist for awhile but her answer was for me to go out and join women’s groups or book clubs. That’s not for me. I guess my kids are my support group. My extended family is very nice but they never know what to say to me. I really don’t think it just amounts to “we have the choice how we feel”. I can’t control my emotions from one day to the next. Like I decided I would plant marigolds in my yard. I bought stuff. Now I’m just not into it anymore. Yesterday I forced myself to go plant because I didn’t want to waste it. Reading on this website helps. Writing to my husband helps. But overall I feel empty most of the time. Especially if I’m with a group of family I feel alone because I want my husband there. I’m just hoping time will continue to help. I mean my days aren’t as dark as the beginning. But do have dark times. Keep posting. I wish you some ease as the days go by.
     
  2. Winifred

    Winifred Member

    renee
    i feel exactly as you describe. i went back to work 2 weeks after Dwight died but i really had no choice. i did not work the 2 months he was in the hospital and used most of my ill and vacation time. i do see a counselor who is very sweet but honestly it’s not that helpful. she does have me on fmla so if i do need days off for grief my job is safe. i still cry at work but try to hide it. i recently asked my boss for parttime work but she said my position is fulltime. i think some time away from work would be helpful. i completely understand about buying flowers then losing interest. i tried several grief groups that i did not find helpful at all. thats why i read do much about grief and personal stories.
    my adult children are great as well. i don’t know how i would have managed the arrangements and dealing with some of Dwight’s things without them. my son stayed with me for 2 weeks then i was on my own as far as living alone. they live about 25 minutes from me. there are many times i need someone to shop for me but there is no one. i don’t understand why it feels like im going backwards. i was fine accomplishing my errands for quite sometime. i'm confused and often feel lost and definitely lonely. please feel free to keep in touch, especially if you just need some understanding and someone to listen. i can listen and not talk about me. sometimes we need that too. my hope is your journey is bearable and life gets better for you. winifred
     
  3. Winifred

    Winifred Member

    thats a good question. its such a roller coaster. life seems so unimportant. how ia your day going? Wini
     
  4. ReneeLight

    ReneeLight Active Member

    A family friend of mine talked to me the other day. I said how I just could not find joy in life anymore. He said the loss of my husband hit everyone hard not just me. But I replied that no one seems to act that way and they just go on with life. He said that is because we have to. I often get invited to family outings and sometimes I go but I often don’t feel like it. Yes I do like to just stay home now. He said I almost am acting childish by saying no to everyone and not trying to find more things to enjoy. But he is younger with a full life ahead. I feel like after being with my husband for 35 years, that was my life and now it seems over. I’m only 54 but it seems all downhill now. No plans or dreams. I know what he is trying to say and I understand. But it’s much easier said than done.
     
  5. Winifred

    Winifred Member

     
  6. Winifred

    Winifred Member

    renee im really sorry your friend said those things to you. im sure he’s like most people who have no idea what this feels like but they are trying to help. im really disappointed that he thought telling you that you were being childish was somehow helpful because that couldn’t be further from the truth. i know this journey is horrible and isolation is comforting most of the time. im sure he probably meant well but he just doesn’t know how your whole world has gone sideways. i get it renee. you are not alone in your feelings and choices. im sure others are grieving your husband but they still didn’t lose what you have. you’re doing your best i have absolutely no doubt.
     
  7. ReneeLight

    ReneeLight Active Member

    Thank you Winifred!! You make me feel so much better. I know he meant well too. But you’re right, isolation can be comfortable. Or just having my kids come over to my place to visit. I do have a 9 month old grandson I babysit sometimes. He brings me joy. But my husband never got to see him and that is hard. Thanks for your kind words. How are you doing this week?
     
  8. Winifred

    Winifred Member

    hi renee i am feeling better than last week. my sadness likes to rear its head too often but i’ve not had as many tears this week. thank you for asking. im sure your husband not being there to share in the love for your grandson is difficult. i feel sadness for you. losing a husband is just so devastating. i hope people are kind understanding and supportive of you from now on instead of trying to “fix it”. it cant be fixed. you have my support for as long as we walk this journey. keep in touch and reach out for support from me whenever you need. ill be here to talk about our husbands and this journey anytime.
     
  9. Renisea Avery

    Renisea Avery Member

    I want to give my condolence to the family. I am so sorry for the lost of your love one.
    May the peace of God that excels all thought I sustain and keep you during the difficult days head. – Philippians 4:7
     
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  10. Winifred

    Winifred Member

    Renisea thank you very much for your support. Have you lost someone you love? i want to be a source of support and encouragement if you need/want. Wini
     
  11. cg123

    cg123 Member

    So sorry for your loss. My sister, who was also my best friend, passed away about a month ago. She was the last of my immediate family. I know how difficult this is to deal with. I try to take one day at a time and keep busy but some days are just worse than others. This is a great site to connect with people who understand what we are going through.
     
  12. Winifred

    Winifred Member

    im sincerely sorry you lost your sister. i try to remember prayer helps yet in my experience with the loss of my husband is that death just ruins those left here to cope with the loss. it’s horrible its cruel it’s unbelievable it has just taken my world and crumbled it like a piece of paper and thrown in a corner as if he nor i mattered. clearly im having a really bad day. i feel so bad for all of us left here to the endure this torture. im sorry for all of you i truly am sorry.
     
  13. Winifred

    Winifred Member

    cg im sorry i was not encouraging or did not seem empathetic i truly am sorry you lost your sister and best friend. you are smart to realize you need to take one day at a time. i know each day brings different emotions. what are you doing to keep busy? iv not lost a sibling yet i know the pain of loss and grief. im here if you want to talk about your sister. i would love to hear about her. what is her name? Wini
     
  14. cg123

    cg123 Member

    Wini - Please you have nothing to be sorry about in your reply. You were emphathetic and you are going through the same emotions as I am. My sister's name was Marcy and we were extremely close especially when we got older. We did everything together - shopping, traveling, etc, etc. We lived together and I still am sorting through her things not to mention her accounts, etc. I try to force myself to go outside because I realize it isn't good to stay in the house but it is difficult. The other day I went to Target just to walk around but it was very hard. I kept looking for her to show her something in the store and then realized she wasn't here anymore. I lost both my parents a while ago but my sister and I got through that together. This is harder because she was the only family left. I hope I can be encouraging to you too.