New to site, widowed 6, weeks, WTF,!!!

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by HeidiHeidi, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    Hi Heidi, my husband died 8 months ago after 43 years of marriage. It is a horrible thing to go through, losing the person you were closest to. I am lucky to have a warm and supportive family that isn't pushing me too much to "move on". I have always heard it takes a year, some say 18 months. What ever the time it sucks. I find the best way to cope is being alone, which is why I am on this site. I like talking to others in the same boat and not just anyone. Unless someone has been in your shoes they often don't know how you feel, know what to say, and as a result often don't feel that supportive even if they mean well. Losing your husband or wife is like having your leg cut off suddenly. It hurts, it's devastating and it changes your life but you do learn to get around again and can even have an enjoyable life, maybe even a better life someday, but you will never say "I don't want that leg back" because you will always miss it. I will always miss my husband. Losing him was like having both legs cut off but I am not starting to look around and seeing if there is something to distract me that can, if not bring joy, at least be less depressing than doing nothing. Support groups I know work for some people. i don't have one near me but you might. Don't worry about the pain, dont fight it. It will subside on its own and you can't push it, just distract yourself and keep talking to those who understand. Be kind to yourself. Your husband would want you to be.
    I sound together now, but often during the night or in the mornings I wake up and feel terrible: Panic, depressed, anxious or the worse emotion of all guilt. I always feel I could have made my husband more comfortable at the end or I wish I had been nicer to him (there a lot to feel guilty about). We just have to be kind to our selves, give ourselves a break and let the grieving run its course the best we can.
    glego and Bogman like this.
  2. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    A grief counselor can be very helpful.
  3. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

    Hi Cathy,
    Well I did go to a grief counselor. I think it did help. I was able to talk to someone about this terrible feeling and know that this is the way it is supposed to feel. I hope you are doing ok today. Yes, you are right, there are all sorts of feeling attached to this loss and regrets. I guess we self access ourselves too much. I am going to try to get busy with my life and maybe try to help someone else.
    Take care,
    Bogman likes this.
  4. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    Hi Blondie49, Today is a better day except my kids are making me stay indoor due to the coronavirus (I am 70 but healthy as an ox). I have made arrangements to have coffee with some new friends. I am trying to expand my social group some. People who did not know my husband. While he is with me always, I need to have a life that is also a little new. I want to discuss other thngs besides my husband and his death. It may sound selfish. I am half and half - half buried in grief and half looking to be in the future. I hope you have a good day too. cathy
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  5. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

    Hi Cathy,
    I'm 71 yrs , very near to your age. I have joined some new groups. It is hard, to walk into a room full of strangers, but it is all worth it. When you walk out, you will have met some new friends and you are starting your new life. Due to the virus, all my groups have canceled. I really miss those. For awhile , when I go to the groups, I feel like an outsider because I am carrying this grief with me. But I keep on because there is no choice. We have to go forward in order to survive. We didn't die, although it would have been easier if we did. I get these days, like today, when I don't feel like doing anything. So I don't . Its an enormous waste of time, but I give in to myself now. I am kinder to me. If I want to drink coffee at 8 pm and be up all night, I do it. Because I can and because I am being kind to myself. When my husband died, I put away all the stuff that reminded me of him. But recently, I took it back out again. I put his glasses on the table, took his scapular out and other meaningful items. I found that because I put everything away, it didn't help me. So I took them out again and I think I am finding comfort in looking at them. Maybe the familiarity of them, I don't know. But it is helpful to look at them again. I even find myself talking to him, I hope I'm not cracking up. But I don't think it is right to try to erase him from my life, in hopes that the grief will go away. I'm just going to try to give this grief a place and not let it consume me.
    Hope you are doing alright today. And I hope, in some small way, what I write makes sense.

    Blondie 49
  6. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I can relate to what you've both posted. Blondie I tie keep some things exactly where my wife left them like gloves, an umbrella and some other items. it brings comfort in a strange way ??

    Good for you both in getting out and meeting new people, life really does go on and it's our choice if we decide to join in. I think we can both remember our lost love and find new joys !! Dan
  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi Dan, I’ve done exactly what you mention. Left a few things exactly where Ron left them. It does bring comfort in a strange way. My first time in our business after he passed, seeing everything where he had put it down was so emotional and I had to move every last thing. But at home, I left a few things right where he placed them, still brings comfort. Not everyone understands that. When my Mom passed she had taken her slippers off next to her bed. I left them there as long as I could. I think it’s about, it’s some of the last things they touched or moved while still with us.
    Anyway, just sharing. Hope you’re having better days.
    Bogman likes this.