New here.....

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by mpf217, Mar 29, 2020.

  1. mpf217

    mpf217 New Member

    Hi everyone....my mother passed away on March 2, 2020 and then the world went crazy. My mother had been sick for awhile and up to recently was doing quite well. Her illness is a long story.... Her passing wasn't a huge shock but was still a shock none the less. I had just turned 40 in February and she wasn't able to attend the surprise party she helped plan because she was in a rehab facility after being discharged from the hospital. She was on the mend.....doing well....until she developed a blood clot and everything went downhill. It went from speaking to my mother on the phone one day to her being admitted to the hospital the next day delusional with pain. She wasn't my mother the next time I saw her and.....I knew. She only kept getting worse, they couldn't do much for her except keep her comfortable. Her body was deteriorating, she was bleeding internally and there was nothing that could be done. As I said before her illness is a long story.... My father had to make to decision to withdraw care and we watched her die for a day....it was heartbreaking. Of course we were surrounded by family and friends during this time and they were wonderful.
    What bothers me is what happened after she died.......they all seemed to leave. Everyone in my family has experienced death and has grieved but my mother was a force, she was the glue and she was my mother. No one can every fully understand the loss of a mother unless it has happened to them. And I know I get it, no one knows what to say but even if you just come over to sit with me, just show up, you don't have to say anything. But then this whole social distancing happened and that's not even a possibility. I feel like I have had to put my grief on hold. I can't see my father or my brother and I'm stuck in my house with a husband who doesn't get it and is so emotionally distant I want to scream. My mother is the one person that I want to talk to and I can't. She was my best friend....the one person in my life that I knew I could count on.
    I don't have many friends and I just lost my best friend.
     
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mpf217,

    So sorry for your mother’s passing. When my father died, he had a hospice nurse for two days, I was with him when he passed. He asked me to take care of mom, which I did.

    She needed dialysis trips, daily meals from Meals on Wheels, whatever she asked for I purchased, and I fed her cats, and sat and talked with her. When she became too sick, and needed medical care she was moved to a special hospital for the elderly, she survived for two years after my dad.

    I was married, had two sons and so we each all miss her. Watching those who guided you in life decline is a terrible image to remember them by, but alas life sometimes takes things like that out of our control.

    It is awful to feel like your family paid their respects and moved on, but as I have learned from past experience, all of us, no matter who, handle loss so differently from one another. Some can talk openly, others keep the loss locked inside them, still others say their sorry and move on. We each are who we are.

    This covid-19 threat is real, scary and requires us to stay safe. I live with my two adult sons, but we never come into the same room except in passing for now. I hate that as I am sure others do as well. So we talk on the intercom, or cellphone believe it or not.

    Since this virus happened I now call my brother and sisters daily, and talk about things we never did before, it is as if off limit topics are no more. You see, my brother also lost his wife to cancer like me, my older sister was my wife’s college roommate and my younger sister just lived in the same city, so we are close knit.

    After each loss I had in life, I remembered through home movies, photo albums, my parents record collection and their tape recordings. Mom used to sing to us in the living room, and I say, her younger pictures were beautiful, and dad were of a tall hulking naval sailor who served in WW2.

    If you are able to call them, do so, and keep in touch via the internet. The one thing I will also suggest is talk to us here, open up all you like. Tell us anything you like or things that trouble you.

    Your grief is not something to overlook, you have to eventually face it, slowly and with dedication. It takes time to heal inside, not literally, but virtually. So I hope tonight you will have a good night's rest and better days ahead. Just keep talking as you can.

    -david


    This song is to you

     
  3. lolosundevil

    lolosundevil Member

    Thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to feeling isolated and I feel that grief plus isolation can be a recipe for disaster. I am new here and I lost my mom 3 months ago very unexpectedly and it involves medical malpractice. I did not know before, but now I do, the incredible pain of losing a mom. It is all I think about, all my life is about. My mom was my best friend too. I am not a religous person, but I do talk to my mom and pick flowers to put by her picture. This helps me in a very small way. I hope you can find some support here. You are not alone in this.
     
  4. mpf217

    mpf217 New Member

    Thank you. I am glad that I found this website. Knowing that I am not alone, especially knowing that there are others who know and understand how I am feeling brings me comfort.
     
  5. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mpf217,

    If you read through the forums you will notice stories that others have shared. The more I read the more apparent it became just how shattered people are with their losses.

    By being able to talk about loss it helps each of us try to face our intense pain we hold inside. As you are able, keep reaching out to family and friends if at all possible, and also keep talk here as much or as little as you like.

    For now, please don’t give into despair. Peace be with you today.

    -david

    This song is for you