Need a road map / guide

I’m trying to stop talking about how I am struggling as I worry it’s keeping the feeling alive . Managed out of two jobs by end of 2016, one a ten year role. Did take both to court and win . Then went into helping mum care for my dad who developed vascular dementia , and myself and wife and brothers say with him as he took his last breath in hospital . I then went into being mums social support as she lived in a rural village where we grew up . This went on till 2021 when myself and wife got her into hosptial where she was placed on end of life care and passed early hours . During this time I had started a new business after studying bookkeeping while caring for dad , and this went bad during Covid , and I declared myself bankrupt not long before mum passed . I then had a three year battle for probate against my brothers which didn’t end until October this year . And since it all ended , it’s like I suddenly feel so so alone . Even when with my wife and kids . I’m out of work , was before the parents passed , and was worried about going back to work before all this due to what had happened in last two jobs . My mum was massive in in my life , voice of reason assurance for me always . My brothers don’t talk to me any more as we had a massive not nice fall out , and they aren’t the nicest of people . I feel like a lost kid , sometimes ok on my own , other times not. I was also diagnosed ASD and adhd around mums death ( after my kids were ) .
I’m ashamed to say I’ve felt suicidal and ended up under our local
Mental health team , who have put me on various medications . I just want to smile again . To feel safe again . My wife try’s hard to get it , but it’s so much to understand . I started therapy but it was too much , and after every session I felt even worse , like I am permanently broken .
I also turned 50 last year to add to it , with a massive loss of identity , not being in work , not being able to be the husband and dad I want to be , and feeling I have no purpose . How do I unpick this all . It’s like I have a massive dark cover all over me , making everything else seem dark and pointless . Stuff I cares about so much , seems pointless now . Little things like feeding the dog and cats , so much effort . My energy is in the bin .

 

Hi there,

First of all, thank you so much for sharing such a deeply personal and vulnerable part of your life. It’s clear that you’ve been through an immense amount of loss and stress, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling the way you do. It sounds like you've been carrying a lot — not just the emotional weight of losing loved ones, but also the pressures of managing so many different responsibilities and challenges. The experiences you’ve had, and the grief you’ve been processing, are so complex, and it's no surprise that you’re feeling overwhelmed.

I can sense that you're really trying to move forward, but it sounds like the weight of everything you've experienced has created a sense of feeling lost and isolated. It’s important to recognize that what you’re feeling isn’t a reflection of being weak or broken, but rather the result of the intense and overwhelming circumstances you've had to face. What you've endured — losing your parents, managing legal and financial struggles, and even the turmoil with your brothers — is an extraordinary amount to handle. On top of that, it’s clear that you’re experiencing a deep sense of loss, not just of loved ones, but of your sense of self and purpose.

It’s understandable that with all this, you’re finding it hard to connect to the things that once mattered, like taking care of your pets or engaging with others. Grief and burnout can drain your energy to the point where even the smallest tasks feel exhausting. It’s also completely normal to feel conflicted about therapy — it’s a lot to take in, and sometimes facing so many emotions at once can make things feel worse before they get better. It’s okay to feel that way, and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It might just be that the approach needs to be adjusted to something that feels more manageable for you.

You’ve already done so much, though. Winning a legal case, caring for both your parents, and starting your own business — these are things that speak to your strength and resilience, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now. And even though it’s hard to see it, I want to acknowledge that you’ve kept going despite all the pain and challenges. That shows incredible inner strength.

As for feeling disconnected or like you’re losing your identity, that’s something that often happens when we’re hit with so many changes. When everything you’ve known and relied on shifts, it can be incredibly disorienting. What I would recommend is trying to give yourself some space to breathe — even if it feels like everything is dark right now. It might help to break things down into smaller steps, like focusing on just one small thing at a time, something you can accomplish that gives you a tiny sense of purpose. It doesn’t have to be big. Start with simple things, like sitting with your pets or allowing yourself to rest without the pressure to do more.

Also, about the suicidal thoughts — please know that you’re not alone in feeling that way, even though it might feel incredibly isolating. It’s really important that you’re reaching out for help and are connected with mental health services. You’ve already taken some huge steps toward caring for yourself by reaching out for support. I would recommend considering a combination of support, perhaps with smaller, more focused sessions of therapy, or even just reaching out to trusted people in your life for smaller, more consistent check-ins. Sometimes it's more about the little moments of connection, rather than trying to do everything at once.

I also think it might help to just focus on being gentle with yourself, especially when it feels like you have no energy or motivation. Be kind to yourself for what you’ve already survived, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel better or have all the answers right away. Healing is a slow process, and you’ve been through a lot — it’s okay to take it one day at a time.

I’m here to listen whenever you need to talk, and I’m happy to keep supporting you however I can. You are not alone, and you don’t have to carry all of this by yourself. Please take care, and remember that even in the darkest times, there are people who care about you.

Warmly

 

Thank you so much for your reply . there are many take away points , and things for me to stop and realise . A lot of what you have said have echoed my wife and the mental health team . Having the ADHD does cause me to struggle to stop , and the inner angst that I seem to have Constantly doesn’t want me to stop , fear of my thoughts and feelings . And being alone ? Is massive for me now . It makes me so worried and anxious to be alone too much ? Not sure if I’ve always had this , or maybe I always knew in back of my mind I had two brothers and parents somewhere behind me , now not, just my own family , which now seems a huge responsibility, and sadly creates anxiety . Then getting older , myself and wife getting older , it’s like all the emotions and fears have come out all in one go , and yes , these are the overwhelming feelings that I struggle to bare .
Turning 50 last year has also caused me to fear this is it , I haven’t made it yet , WITH my parents , how the hell do I now . So, all these negative thoughts are no doubt driving the underlying depression and anxiety aswell .
Anyway , I have been referred for psychological support ( feel very failed and weak for this ) which I am due next week for assessment . I’m pretty sure it’s 99% all the grief and losses ( I also lost two uncles one after my dad ( dads brother and attended funeral with my mum ) and my mums last brother not long before she passed . I just want to feel calm about life , but it’s like it has really sped up now . Thank you again