my wonderful husband died july 21st i am so lost

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by brenda d, Sep 23, 2019.

  1. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    hi i dont really know how to start this but here it is. i am 66 years old and kenny was 67. i have known him since 1973. we got married feb. 3 1989. he stood by me through kidney failure and transplant. we were saved together and shared everything. he took care of my every need he was my whole world. on july 18 he was installing a hot water heater. he came inside to turn the well pump back on. let out a big blow and fell to the floor. i can still hear my screams as i said please dont leave me. i called 911 as i was talking to the 911 op. i knew he was not going to make it.

    the doctor told me he only had 10% of his heart working, he never came to. i knew he didnt want to be kept alive but i just couldnt let him go. but on the 21 i did say goodbye to the only man i ever truly loved and loved me.

    i dont know what to do now i have very little family and they dont live near. i feel like life just stopped. i cry every day,i hold his pillow i am so sad. i pray this pain will ease at some point.
     
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  2. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    some things i forgot. he played the keyboard so well. and had a heart for other people. he helped people all the time. my loss is so big i feel the whole just fell apart. i really need a friend.
     
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  3. Newenglander

    Newenglander Member

    On July 1st, I awoke to my husband having a major cardiac event. He was on life support for 3 weeks before he passed. He never came back and was basically brain dead. He died on July 20th at 1:30pm. He was my whole world. My very reason for waking up every day. We had a good life together. All gone. Life has stopped for me. I am numb. Every day is pain. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. I wish I could give you words of comfort. This hurts every day. I have aging parents I have to help. So I am here to do that. I have been reading a book that has lent some clarity to our situation. It's called, It's Ok that You're Not Ok. It's the only book that tells the truth about grief. Because honestly there is no fixing this. There is no moving on. There is no getting better or getting over. If I get up and get to work and can hold it together until the day is over, I count that a success. This is all to say, I understand what you are going through. And it is the worse thing in the world.
     
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  4. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    oh bless you,yes you are so right. i also go to bed thinking of kenny and wake up thinking of him. i am glad i have some people who understands this. please know i am here any time you need to share. i am stumbling in the dark,but caring for someone may help us find some light in this dark place.
     
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  5. LindaH

    LindaH Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss Brenda.
    I also loss my husband suddenly.
    He passed away in his sleep.
    Its been over three years and I still miss him so very much.
    I am glad you found this site. I hope it helps you as much as its helped me.
    Nice to be able to talk with people dealing with the same things we are.
     
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  6. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    thank you for your post linda. i hope this site does help because no one understands outside of here. i am so sorry for your loss also.
     
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  7. LindaH

    LindaH Well-Known Member

    Thanks Brenda.

    Sadly I think people don't understand until it happens to them.

    For example my husbands best friend, had pulled away from me after my husbands death. I figured this was due to the fact he was the one who found him.
    That is until last year when his wife(my best friend) passed suddenly .
    He called me and apologized for the way he behaved.He said he just didn't get it till his wife passed.
     
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  8. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    sadly this is true,the phone calls i was getting has all but stopped. no one comes to visit either,i feel so forgotten now. this is why i started looking for websites. i am glad i found this place where people are going through the same kind of pain.
     
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  9. Di68

    Di68 New Member

    I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I tragically lost my husband on May 16 to accidental drowning. I feel lost like you do.
     
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  10. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    oh my i am so sorry for your loss to. thank you so very much for replying to my post. this kind of loss is so very bad. i feel like i am in a whirl wind and it wont let go of me.
     
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  11. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    when you feel like you are ready to share your story i will be glad to listen.
     
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  12. Di68

    Di68 New Member

    I understand that feeling completely. I feel I'm still in that crazy denial stage. Like this really didn't happen. Then it hits hard. Is that how you feel?
     
  13. Di68

    Di68 New Member

    Thank you so much!
     
  14. Di68

    Di68 New Member

    I will be here for you.
     
  15. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    thank you so much. yes there are days i think kenny should come inside. i have even picked up the phone to call him and ask him what is taking so long. yes it feels like you are going totally nuts. most days i move around like a robot. nothing seems real or makes since anymore.
     
  16. Chili_Rick

    Chili_Rick Member

    Looks like I might be the only man in your thread. First off, my condolences.

    Having been in your shoes, I will share what worked for me. You mileage may vary. Nights are the hardest time for me. It's the time when my friends have gone to bed, and the walls close in. Early on after my wife passed I made a couple internet friends. One was "down under" and the other was over in California and a much younger single mom. Both of them had a big role in getting me over the hump.

    My down under friend was just getting off work when I was hitting peak loneliness, and we chatted a lot. She was going through a major medical issue, so I was able to return the favor when she needed to be distracted. My Cali friend is about 1/2 my age and she has made time for me in her life. I treat her like an adopted daughter, and we chat at least once a day. If I fail to check in, she's got numbers of my friends over here, and will have one of them check on me since I live alone (and that means a lot to me).

    Although I have have quasi adopted kids and grand kids from my marriage, it seems like it's nearly impossible to connect with them and their busy lives. If you are religious, check for their resources, I am sure they have some. Make or renew friendships and then "do" stuff together.

    Also, your local hospice can provide local resources that might prove helpful and I would reach out to them.

    Lastly, what's helped me is finding ways to be distracted. I use distractions to get through the day, and early evenings. Distractions allow me to put my feelings in a box for a while and then to pick the time when it suits me to experience my feelings. I still cry, I still ask why, and I am still supremely lonely, but I feel like I have a bit of control over when I CHOOSE to feel that way.

    Rick
     
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  17. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    thank you so much for you post. it means a lot to me.
     
  18. Ruthann

    Ruthann New Member

    He
    Hello. I lost my husband from a sudden heart attack as well. I was told that his heart was too weak to survive afterwards also. Like you, I found my husband on the floor and was screaming the whole time. After he died, because he was my whole world (28 yrs)... I totally lost myself and made terrible mistakes afterwards especially with money!!! It’s been 5 years now, and I am finally ok, but the financial mistakes haunt me!!! If I can give you one piece of advice, it would be to have someone that you totally trust to handle your financials while you grieve... and don’t listen to timeframes of grief because everyone needs different lengths of time to grieve!!! It took me 4 1/2 years to fully grieve because we don’t only grieve for our husband, but we are grieving for a change in life and our role in life. Please be gentle with yourself and know that it will take time and the phases of grief are not sequential. Message me anytime! I understand.
     
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