My son comitted suicide, my worst fear came to life

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Collinsmom9817, Oct 21, 2019.

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  1. Collinsmom9817

    Collinsmom9817 New Member

    My son Collin was 18 years old and he had his whole life ahead of him. He was about to start college the following week for computer programming. He had a wonderful girlfriend and a loving family, what no one knew was the hell he was trapped in inside. He was always so very polite, always willing to lend a helping hand. He was very protective of me and came to visit me on a regular basis. I remember, I had texted with him on August 15th at about 10:30pm...he planned to hopefully come over with his girlfriend Olivia the following day after work. I remember clearly, that whole night, my girlfriend, and our roommate couldn't sleep...something just wasn't right. I really wanted to head to my parents house to check on my son, he had lived there for most of his life...but I didn't have a vehicle. The next morning I was in the living room with friends relaxing and conversating. The phone rang, I looked down to see my father's phone number, at this moment I knew, I didn't want to hear it so I ignored the call. This went on for about 3o minutes. I kept ignoring all text messages and calls. Finally at 10:32 I decided I better just answer the phone. When I did it was like a scene out of a horror film... I shakily said hello, the voice on the other side said, I have some bad news, your son is hanging in the garage, my immediate reaction was " is he ok" the response..." Well no honey, he's dead"... I immediately dropped the phone and fell to the ground screaming " no! Not my baby! Please God no!!" I remember everyone around me being very confused and uncomfortable. After this I passed out, I remember two friends of mine picking me up off the ground, I looked at my girlfriend and said " I just had the most awful nightmare, my son died! " she looked at me with the most horrible look I have ever seen and said " I'm so sorry to tell you but that was not a nightmare". That was the day my whole life changed, for the worst, a lot of things I am not proud of but with love and support I feel like I can climb out of this abyss. This happened on August 16th, 2017...

    Since then I have fallen into a deep depression, gotten into drugs and abusive relationships. I feel like this all happened because I didn't ( still don't but am working on it ) have the skills to deal with the amount of pain this caused. Sonetimes I look at myself in the mirror and scream, cmon Gina, get over it, it's 2019 now...get it together. Sometimes I think I got this...until I see a teenager that looks like him or see his favorite sport ( soccer) on tv.... I need help and it took this long for me to admit this...I am learning that grief can last a long time, it's how I decide to deal with the pain that matters...

    Thank you for listening. I am open to any suggestions or helpful comments...
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Collinsmom9817, I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. It's a loss that no mother should ever have to endure. The grief from losing a child lasts forever, and in some ways that may be the most important place to start. Having unrealistic expectations about how we "should" feel, just leads to a very long and unending road of pain where we not only hurt from the loss of someone we love, but suffer from the feeling that we "should" be handling it better. Stop telling yourself that, and validate for yourself just how tragic this is and how difficult living without your son has been.
    I know that seems like strange advice, because everyone is always telling us to focus on being happy and staying positive, and not living in the past.
    But when we find ourselves brought to our knees by grief, the only way we can get back up is to acknowledge just how hard and painful it is. Because then we have to say to ourselves, this happened. Nothing I can do or think now can change it. So now what? Where do I go from here?
    And that's where our healing can really begin.
    Do whatever you can to avoid the self destructive behaviors you've been engaging in. You may at times even feel you deserve that pain, but you don't, and the more we turn to unhealthy ways to cope, the more trouble we're creating for ourselves down the road. And grief like this is already hard enough.
    Find support. Talk to people who understand. There are survivors of suicide networks, and groups for people who have lost their children. Exercise, spend time with people you love, make sure you're eating well and getting enough sleep when you can. Find "healthy distractions" - a hobby, a past time, or anything that can keep you busy for a little while. You need to take a break from the grief too. Down the road perhaps you can give back. Get involved with a suicide prevention hotline or organization. Or perhaps you can find even small ways to honor your son in your every day life.
    These don't have to be very big or grand gestures. The challenge is to find ways to move forward, where time naturally takes us, while keeping him always in your thoughts and in your heart. It's a tricky and delicate balance, but it can be done, and it really can help.
    I hope this has been of some help to you and I hope you continue to reach out and connect with people here. Just as an aside, I find people are mostly responsive to comments added to an existing thread, so if you're looking for more interaction, that's something worth trying too.
    Thank you for being here, I'm glad you've found us. It's never too late for help, and we're here for anything you need~
     
  3. RaeBailey

    RaeBailey Member

     
  4. RaeBailey

    RaeBailey Member

    I'm sorry for your lose I lost my 17 year old daughter to suicide that same year. She died on the 20th of August. I still can't believe it. I too have been struggling. I used alcohol and other things to block out the pain. I keep feeling the same way like I'm supposed to have it together already but I don't. Anyway there were just so many similarities between our stories I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
     
    Collinsmom9817 likes this.
  5. Collinsmom9817

    Collinsmom9817 New Member

    T
    Thank you so much, everyday is a struggle for me. I feel like I am stuck in a black hole and I can't get out most days...
     
  6. RaeBailey

    RaeBailey Member

    I feel the same. Like walking thru blackness. The yearning to go to my baby and comfort her, to kiss the boo boos and scare away the monsters, is paralyzing. It's all I can do to breath in and out sometimes.
     
  7. Collinsmom9817

    Collinsmom9817 New Member

    Wow, yes, sometimes just getting out of bed is a struggle both mentally and physically. I get so emotionally exhausted that I become a real jerk to everyone around me right before passing out!! I feel awful the next day...
     
  8. Collinsmom9817

    Collinsmom9817 New Member

    Do you by chance know if there is an app for this site?
     
  9. RaeBailey

    RaeBailey Member

    I don't know I only signed up last week. I hope so let me know if you find out.
     
  10. RaeBailey

    RaeBailey Member

    Yeah I realized I've been blocking it out or avoiding the pain. But that can only last so long before it explodes out of me. At first I didn't even try I just went numb. I don't want to avoid it anymore I'm tired of being numb. I miss my baby and the only way I have to be with her is the memories so it's time I think for me to start remembering again. It hurts but I want to try to be happy again for her. I know now she didn't die from suicide she died from depression and I know she loved me because she told me. Like your son loves you and they wouldn't want us to be miserable forever. Right? And don't beat yourself up for being a jerk sometimes. I've come to realize that we died that day with our children at least in part. I know I'll never be the same person again. So we are like newborns again complete with tantrums and tears. So be gentle with yourself like you would be with your son. It's our job now to be the parent and Guardian to this new self. I know it's hard. I know all to well the guilt and feelings of not being what we once were but we must fight. Fight off the darkness that took our babies. At least that's what I tell myself. ;(
     
  11. Smyette

    Smyette New Member

    I am so sorry. I lost my 41-year-old son to suicide on November 24. Married with a four year old daughter. Good job, beautiful house, athletic, surfer, skier, happy on the outside. Fooled everyone including his doctor. I can’t stop reliving the manner of his death, which was jumping off the Newport RI bridge. I keep doing visuals. His body was found two weeks later on a beach in Martha’s Vineyard, 37 miles from Newport. This has been excruciating for me and his family. So many friends. Over 300 people attended his service. I still can’t believe what happened. Will I ever? Will I stop reliving the last moment of his life? I stopped asking what if and am trying to replace it with what now. Easy to say. Any advice?