My sweet wife died suddenly from a brain aneurysm on Nov 2,2019. I'm devastated. Sometimes I'm still in shock, other times lonesome, depressed or just numb. I have only just recently started to see small signs of my old self. I missed me. I miss my lovely wife. I miss our life together. Work is the best place for me. I used to love being home but now I hate it. I used to work trying to get to the weekend. Now I hate weekends. Monday is now my favorite day and Friday is such a stress. I just try to keep busy when I'm home. I don't like meeting people. I'm alone all the time. Even when I'm around people. I see my daughters as much as possible. They help me. I'm also seeing a therapist once a week. She helps too. That's my story. I hate my life! I live one day at a time.
There are no words to express how much I mourn with you. Right now, you are enduring the worst pain that you will ever face. It seems like you are doing the right things to help alleviate some of the stress, but be prepared for a tough ride full of a few highs and lots of the opposite. My wife and best friend of 25 years died on October 18th of last year, a victim of brain cancer. She was, and still is, the most important person in my life. She is the most courageous and caring human being I have ever known, and I miss her every minute of every day. This site is a wonderful resource. Ask for help (which you are doing) The people here understand what you are going through, and we all want to help. There is no way to sugarcoat this process. You’re going to face the most devastating pain you will ever have to endure. Find someone who you can trust and reach out to them when things get bad. Keep exploring this site and don’t be afraid to ask for help. I don’t know if you’re religious or not, but you will be in my prayers. Bill
Barry, sorry for your loss. Everything you say hits home for many of us. This is a safe place to share and vent. Even if you don't like meeting people, get out, go to a coffee shop, library or something, don't even worry about talking to anyone. Sometimes just being out will help, I know it has me.
Barry, I am so sorry for your loss, everyone on this site understands how you are feeling. We’re all feeling the loneliness, the pain, the foggy brain feeling. You’re not alone with these feelings. I’m afraid there’s no magic that takes this pain away. Everyone is different as they mourn and miss their old life. I lost my husband suddenly to a massive heart attack. In two hours I lost the love of my life. Nothing prepares you for this and it is overwhelming and so lonely. You’re doing your best to stay busy, which I have found to be helpful and many others on here do also. My husband and I ran our own business together, so we were together for the most part 24/7. I had to close and empty our shop, I couldn’t run it myself, so I lost my husband and our business in one night. Not one single thing is the same as it used to be. It seems cathartic reading other people’s stories and sharing your own story. And knowing you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. I hate everyday, because I’m not working any more but weekends are the hardest, and nights. Living one day at a time is what you need to keep doing, or one hour or one minute. Don’t push yourself, do your best to take care of you and let things wait if needed. I’m happy for you that you have your daughters, my daughter is my God send, I’m sure yours are as well for you. Try to get fresh air each day, my son who lives in Florida made me promise I’d get out each day, before he left to go home after the funeral. It was hard but I kept my promise to him and I believe it helped me. Keep sharing your story, and reading others, this site will help you, it’s helped me a lot. People here understand what you’re going through where people in our day to day lives just don’t understand. Take care of you, we’re here for you. Robin
Barry, my heart goes out to you for your loss. Being faced with an empty house is so hard to face. We hear our voice and nothing answers back. We go to sleep at night with troubled thoughts on our mind of the loss of the one(s) we left behind. This cloud of grief you now face is the great unknown. It is as if time stops moving forward and we are faced with the hard reality of not knowing what to do next. Getting lost in work and leaving the house is one way to deal with your loss, but those thoughts of your wife are going to slip back in no matter how hard you try to stop them. Your grief will be hard to understand. There will be times you might even question your reasoning. Please just take your time slowly. I am going on 5 years since I lost my wife to cancer. There isn't a day I don't think of her. Losing yourself in your work is one way to help you forward. Also don’t blame yourself, look for the good in everything if possible. One day your heartache will lessen and life will seem easier to face, but above all else loss will take time to recover from. Happy to hear you are talking to a professional about your feelings. Today, tomorrow may not seem bright, but time will allow you to move through time with your thoughts. Take care of yourself and if you ever need to talk we are here for you. david
Hi Barry very sorry for your loss, I too lost my wife in December 2019 and I can relate to a lot of what you said but I still look forward to weekends You said you live one day at a time, there really isn't much of a choice but to do exactly that !? Small signs of your old self is a positive and I too am seeing a little of that for brief periods and that makes me hopeful that things can get better !! Hope you find your community of grievers here offer some help, I know that have for me. Dan
David is so right about questioning your own reasoning. They talk about stages of grief, and I just laugh because nothing is further from the truth. I was feeling anything from one to all the stages at the same time, it left me reeling and yes, questioning my sanity. Now I know I'm sane, and the malady is called grief, I accept that it's incurable but can be managed in time if you do the work. The work is to think, self talk, cry, find other grievers for instance on here. Once you realize you're not alone it comforts you. It is a new life, it's one that we weren't planning for. Other stresses in life are choices we decide on a new job, new city and so on. This none of us chose it was thrust upon us to deal with. Like you, I hate it, I'm sure we all do. For me I felt like my reason to be here was gone, being a part of a team with my husband and then taking care of him, I felt as if I had no reason to live. Finding meaning is important, for me it was my work and helping my clients, also that I have friends, but the most important thing is I'm finding myself. You brought up your daughters, they need you and they're suffering a loss too. But also, you said you see small signs of you, that's good news. Being angry is okay, it's okay to say I hate my new life! Let your emotions flow, don't stuff them, we'll make it through.
I was not married but I lived with my best friend. She passed away Jan 22. It sucks being home. The weekends. We always hung-out. I know how hard it is for me and I know its so so much harder on you since you lost your wife. It just sucks. Life is unfair and until this happened to me I never knew the pain that others talked about. I just thought people just got over death. What an ignorant person I was. But damn do I wish that was the case. I wish I could forget. I can't image the pain you feel cause I know the pain I feel and damn, I'm sorry. I look forward to finding myself again. And I look forward to one day not cry all these sad tears. Loneliness sucks. This site seems to help me. I'm angry a lot but writing calms me. I hope you find peace in your new normal if that is even a thing. Sounds so weird to say.
I think you have to experience it before knowing that you just don't get over it, I know I had no idea until now..
@skies24, you're not ignorant, like all of us we've stood by people that have gone through such a loss, but experience is a teacher. It's like watching someone hold their hand over a burning candle, you know it's painful when they retract their hand and yell ouch, but you don't know how painful unless you do it. We're all retracting now, not willing to accept the reality. I know I don't want to. It's okay to be angry and to cry, I know I get angry, angry that he's gone, angry at the whole situation. Of course we want our old lives back. However, life doesn't work that way, we'll all find our way out of the darkness if we allow ourselves to wallow in it. Grief will fill you up like a glass of water till it overflows and eventually drains out of you, it can't be denied. Some people chose to try to get around it or deny it only to have it come back. (I know someone that did this) Let all the emotions flow, they need to escape. I believe the thing to watch for is when the grief keeps you down, if you're not getting out, or going to work, doing a hobby, seeing friends and family. Sure it's good to have what I call a "couch day" you stay inside on the couch in your pj's replenishing your strength. We need that, but if it's all you can do perhaps it's time to seek outside help. I'm speaking in general here. Weekends are tough for me too, especially Sunday, I know I need to brace myself. It will be in the mid 50s here tomorrow, so I'm going to get out. Haven't had a tear free day since Dec 11th., I may not have one until I draw my last breath, and that's okay too, as long as I keep living because I know he'd want that.
I’m trying to move in the right direction. I haven’t drank in four days which is big for me. I realized when I drank I literally sob or I get really angry at her. I need to not be angst her. I love her. I’m working and going back to my exercise class on Monday. I’m trying my best to move on. I’m looking at houses to get out of the one we lived in together. We were supposed to be in a cruise in two weeks from today so I’m hoping after that passes I can hopefully forget just for a little bit. I want to feel normal again.
Take a deep breath and slow down, you're asking too much of yourself now. It's okay to be angry, part of the process. Some days I get angry at my husband, I know logically that he didn't want to leave, he fought very hard each hospital stay and endured so much. Exercise is good, it took me a few weeks to get back to my workout and the first few times at the end I broke down and cried, I don't view this as a bad thing. Alcohol is a depressant, so laying off is a good thing. On moving, slow down. I've seen people do this and regret it. I'm a realtor and have dealt with people in this spot, the usual advice is to wait 6 months to a year to decide, to much emotion around it now. I've met people that have said they regret it. When my sister lost her husband, she had the same reaction it's now 20+ years later and she's still in her house and cherishes memories. I'm in that place now, and sometimes I come home and think I need to move, other times all I want is to be home because it was our place. Instead of leaving, change some stuff around. I had to get rid of his couch because I'd look across the room and visualize him on it and it was just to hard. I know you want to feel normal again, we all do, the pain is unbearable at times. I was at my husband's side when he passed, and right after I thought, what am I to do now? How am I going to go on without you? It seems impossible, but I look to people around me that have also lost their significant other I see that they've after some time go on to enjoy friends, family, and a few have found love again. Don't give up hope.
Many wise words in the paragraph I agree with much of it, not sure if that makes it wise or not but it takes sense to me !! Hope you enjoy the sunny 50's day tomorrow
Lost my husband 4 months ago. I believe I have been in some kind of mentally deep fog. Starting to wake up I am starting to believe he isn’t coming home. How sad is that. Already tired of being alone. But I don’t want kids or not well known visitors, like to be alone so I can cry and feel or just be numb. So many emotions emotions I have never felt. I don’t know how to go on. He was my only. I don’t want to put on a front for company or a dinner out with the kids. So depressed. What does anything mean now? Nothing without him! I have wanted to go be with him so so bad. I have not a soul that can relate to how deep this pain is
Hi Weeza sorry to hear that you're going through this with the rest of us, I think many can relate to the thick fog !! Starting to wake up is not a way I have heard it described but I like because thats exactly how I'm feeling. Yes there are a whole host of new emotions none of which I wanted to get acquainted with but here we are, I hope you can start to find your way out the fog and numbness, I do believe it can happen but we must go through this terrible time first... Dan
