My love is gone.

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by LittleMoonFey, Apr 12, 2020.

  1. LittleMoonFey

    LittleMoonFey New Member

    My love, my forever person, killed himself on 2/20/2020. I’m a writer, writing helps. A little. I wanted to share something I wrote to help me cope. I hope it helps you too. Even just a little.

    I cringe as I run my fingers through my still wet hair. It’s more difficult towards the ends, and a smattering of strand tips break off at my gentle unraveling. It’s orange. Neon yellow-blonde and bright at the roots, but distinctly copper orange at the bottom. It was red, before. Sort of a fire-engine and mahogany color that your mother expertly applied a few months ago. Before the red it was black, you and I dyed our hair to match. Mine eventually faded to brown while your natural red (not unlike the orange-copper of my ends right now) broke through the jet in no time. I thought about dyeing it black again. Apropos for a funeral, and something (albeit a small, unimportant thing) that we shared. I hold on to everything, anything concerning you no matter how small. Everything and anything concerning you, no matter how small, is important to me. Always was, but more so, now. I decided against the maudlin tableau of the grieving lover with black hair. I’m trying to get it back to its natural color instead. At least, as close as I can get it in one week’s time to the ashy, dishwater blonde of my roots in winter. I need to let it heal for awhile. The bleach was necessary damage, a step backwards to provide stability for two steps forward. I drank the other night. I know you’d be upset about that, but it was also necessary damage, also a step backwards to steady me for what lies ahead. A lifetime, my love. A lifetime without you. I need to let myself heal for awhile. I’ll likely grow out, in time. The damage done; the acrid, devitalizing pain of your loss will be cut away, slowly, like frayed and broken ends of over-processed hair. Replaced, in time, by new growth. Strength. I hope.
     
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    LittleMoonFey,

    First I am so sorry for the loss of your love in life. The ending of one's life is never the answer to anything. My uncle Jimmy who was at our house every weekend for years also took his life. There were no answers, only questions of why.

    Dad grew up with a big family with so many brothers and sisters. He served in World War 2 with uncle Jimmy. So when the news broke we all sat thunderstruck wishing if only it were not true.

    After a loss like this time does seem to move differently - one moment fast, and then another so slow it is like chalk on a board as it grates across it. Our family used to gather at the table each Saturday with dad, mom, his brother Jimmy and aunt Charlotte. It was hard to move beyond it would never happen again.

    Dad never spoke of the war, but when he was with his brother, it was one of laughter, jokes with one another, happy times all around. After this dad wrote a book, “The Layman's manual on Numerology and Astrology.” It was not successful.

    He then consumed his time away from mom with the Masons. I would guess he was making life tolerable for himself. What I don’t think he realized was how lonely he made mom night after night. So I would think life moves each of us in a certain way for many reasons, some obvious and some that will remain hidden for a lifetime.

    Your story of rebirth of your life, after his death is touching and also a sad reality of life. When life altering events occur we try to find yourself again. We search for new meaning, a way to start moving through life with purpose again. Very good writing indeed.

    One thing I hope you will do is take time for yourself. Allow you to deal with his loss however openly you will permit. Talking about him or your inner feelings is a way to find a way to cope with this loss. When my wife of 42 years died of cancer, it took a dream and years to finally come to terms with it.

    I will be the first to admit life is not one with easy paths for any of us - it takes honest effort. I know as each of us move through life we might change our paths more than once the reasons really are not as important as the effort you make.

    To recover from significant loss you have to be honest with yourself, you have to want to heal inside, and then realize loss is so hard to overcome. It is not easy, you have to open up that wound inside and allow yourself to cry as those feelings release.

    I hope you will never give in to despair. I hope you will take care of yourself and just know with time anything, even recovering from your loss is possible. Peace be with you today.

    -david


    This is a song for you