My life is upside down

Discussion in 'Life After Caregiving' started by Coleen O'Connor, Jan 20, 2019.

  1. Coleen O'Connor

    Coleen O'Connor New Member

    6 years ago I started on a unbelievably hard and rewarding journey to be my parents caregiver, my dad called me at work one day and said I don't know what I am going to do I can't take care of your mom and your sister wants to put us in a home being the baby and very much a daddy's girl I didn't even hesitate I quit my job gave up my apt and moved in 2 weeks later, my mom had Alzheimer's and required fulltime care and I was a single mom of two so my life became quite challenging. My mom passed away peacefully in her own home holding my dads hand 3 years ago, after she passed my dad was lost after 75 years of marriage he didn't know what do to, he looked at me and asked if I was going to leave him and put him in a home I had promised my mom I wouldn't do that so I stayed with him and it was hard and he was stubborn beyond belief but I stayed with him and in Sept he got sick and I know his time would be near ...a week before Christmas he started failing rapidly and we brought hospice in and the family came, he went peacefully in his sleep early Christmas morning figuring my mom said it was time. I miss my dad very much and circumstances have forced me to leave the house he built and I am broken feels like my whole world has been turned upside down.
     
  2. Sue123

    Sue123 New Member

    I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. My parents are still alive and live by themselves which I am grateful. I love them so much and each time I hear the phone ring I worry it's about them. My husband died Dec 1, 2018. He had alzheimers . We got married in 2002 and he lived at home with me until 2009. Then he went into a care facility until his death. Slowly he lost the ability to walk, stand, speak, do anything for himself. It's like he was trapped and stuck in his body. I too feel lost and dont know what to do. When we were together we thought he would be in a wheelchair because of his back but never did I think he wouldn't be at home. My prayers are with you. It is hard to go forward. It's like what do I do now. What's my purpose. What does live hold now? We didn't have children so that makes it more lonely. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
     
  3. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Dear Coleen and Sue,

    My heart breaks for your experiences. The feeling of lost are so extreme, we sometimes find it hard to breathe. Watching those we love fall apart and not be able to assist is devastating. Your feeling of being broken can be healed slowly. You both must focus on other thoughts. Ruminating is good for a while but is counter productive after a time. I know my friend and family must have gotten tired of hearing me tell my sad tale over and over, but they were patient. Take one step at a time. FInd support wherever you can. Peace.
     
  4. Butterfly21

    Butterfly21 Member

     
  5. Butterfly21

    Butterfly21 Member

    My heart goes out to you. Unbelievable. You must have been so very challenged. I hope you are ok.
     
  6. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Coleen,

    So sorry for the tremendous loss of both of your parents. It is a testament that they were married for 75 years, 3/4 of a century, wow. They must have had so many memories in life. I hope you were able to hear some of them over time.

    You turned your life upside down to take care of them both, and having children of your own must have been a hardship at times. I hope you are able to find any support you need from family and friends. Losing both parents takes time to recover from. Your grief will vary from day-to-day.

    Take care of yourself. Please watch out for depression, and make sure to talk with your children as well to see how they are also feeling. I hope you will have some peaceful days ahead. Keep reaching out if you are able.

    -david

    A melody for you

     
    JoNas likes this.
  7. venson_eric

    venson_eric Member

    Hello I understand I recently lost my mother last month on the 23rd even though I took care of her and new of her condition I prayed over her bed then the next day I turned her face over to the pillow cuz she was having a hard time breathing I didn't expect anything although they told me she was declining that's when she died and it shocked me it made me feel sad even though it was expected that's one thing about death you can't expect how you feel when someone's gone I'm an only child and I feel so alone now because it's like other half a part of me is gone I know how you feel your world turned upside down I feel the same way you are definitely not alone I love her very much
     
  8. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    These stories all sound so familiar. I was married to my wife in 1985. We started our family with a son, the first of three children. At 44, my wife was diagnosed with cancer. For the next 13 years she battled that awful disease until it finally took her life a little over two and a half years ago. So, here I am. What is my purpose? We've raised our children. One has children of his own. I'm completely convinced that the only reason I'm still here is my grandchildren. Our children don't seem to need me for anything these days. But when I see my grandkids lite up when I go to visit them, then I feel that I have propose. My parents are in their mid 80's and my mother is fighting cancer also. I have my physical problems now that wouldn't allow me to take care of my parents so I thank God every day that my parents are still able to live alone. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. As long as I can keep seeing those smiling faces of my grandkids, I'll still feel I have a reason to be here. I hadn't seen them much over the first year after my wife passed. Very lonely time for me. The more I went to visit them (because they don't come to see me much) the more I had something to look forward to. I still visit my parents on a regular basis and make food to take to them. I didn't have the best relationship with my father growing up but have made some repairs to that over the past couple years. Life really is too short so I'm going to try to make each day just a tiny bit better than the last. Some days it works and some days it don't. But I guess if I ever want to be happy again, I have to keep trying. My prayers to all who mourn today. May today be just a tiny bit better than yesterday
     
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    My heart breaks for all the stories and losses I’ve just read, I know the losses of parents, I lost both my parents quite some time ago, my Dad to cancer in 1994, my Mom had open heart surgery then she suffered from dementia, she passed in 2005. Both losses were overwhelming to me, my Dad was my hero, he knew everything I was sure my Dad would live forever. My Mom, my best friend, I felt so lost without her. But I had a husband and 2 children and my husband and I ran a business together. So they were my purpose. Well, Nov 2018, I lost the love of my life, my business partner, my everything. He suffered a massive heart attack, that took him from me in two hours. It’s 18 months since that horrible evening, I’m much better then I was, but like David mentions, the loss of a purpose happens. My children are 32 and 36, my daughter lives 15 minutes away, she’s my best support, my son is in Florida, he also supports me from afar. I said to him one day, I feel I have no purpose, he gave me the best answer I could imagine. But Mom, you have Stacey and me, we still need you, you have us, you do have a purpose. And he’s right, even as adults of course they want and need their Mom, they just lost their Dad. So until this virus situation, Stacey and I would fly to Florida a couple times a year and stay 10 days. It always felt good. In fact we were supposed to be with him for Easter but the visit got canceled. I have my little dachshund who was a gift from my husband, Ron. And I use the love of my husband, and our beautiful life we had together as my inspiration. I believe he is watching over me and our children and I want and need to still make him proud of me. I’m not a quitter, so I push on. And I’m managing our household and yard better then I expected. I feel Ron’s presense, and you might think I’m nuts but things I don’t know how to do, I feel he walks me through the steps. I had to close our business, which was another loss. We were planning our retirement, this year in Sept we planned to retire and travel and live a more enjoyable relaxing life. Now it’s just me.
    But yes, like David said, we need to keep trying.
    There are better days ahead, we all need to keep working towards them, this is a journey that takes time.
    Take care of yourselves, that’s important
    Robin ❤️
     
  10. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Please call me Dave. I only get called David by my mother when she's mad at me
     
  11. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Coleen,

    You did your duty. Some that should have but you did. With great respect and love.
    You did well. My heart is with you.

    Paul M.
     
  12. venson_eric

    venson_eric Member

    Thank you Paul I have gotten a lot of compliments from people on that but I really do appreciate you offering your condolences as well means a lot to me it does hurt I don't know what happened in your grief or who you've lost but we're both in the same boat we lost someone we love very much