Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by irisk, Aug 6, 2019.
how do I cope?
So sorry to hear about your loss. It is very hard to cope with such an event but for me I just try to take one day at a day and think of the good times. You will have good days and bad days. There is no easy answer but this site has helped me a lot just being able to express my feelings and connecting with others who have experienced the same.
Thank you so much for replying to my post. Such a lonely place to be...so reassuring to hear from someone who understands....I'm putting together a scrapbook of events in our lives, in photos. I find that I can still be close to him through this activity and it's better than nothing. I knew my husband for close to thirty years..long time. Did you lose your husband as well? Your advice speaks of experience with this kind of loss, and I'm also sorry for your loss. Thank you for your good wishes and for your kindness.
I did not lose my husband (not married) but I did lose my sister about 4 mos ago whom I lived with and we were extremely close. I also lost my parents many years ago and numerous uncles and aunts so I know how difficult this is. Glad I could give you comfort.
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree, take one day at a time. There will be bumps in the road, but always remember you can and will survive this; don't give up. The scrap booking sounds like a wonderful idea. A coworker of mine gave me a small photo album I could carry around in my purse, so my husband would always be there with me. She took some pictures she liked from my facebook page to get it started and left room for me to add my favorite pictures. Now it sits in front of his urn and our granddaughters look at it every time they come over, rearranging the pictures every time.
You cope by not listening to anyone but your heart. You take it as slowly as you need to. It does not get better, but it becomes your new normal. I talk to my husband daily when I look at his picture on my screen saver. Sometimes I cry but sometimes I just talk to him. I do not visit his grave often as he is not there. He is in my heart and in every fiber of my being. He helped make me the person I became. Being with him was a joy. Being with him is still joy. I pray to dream about him as I did my Dad when he passed. but it has not happened yet. I feel close to him when I am alone. You are expected to be grieving and for each one of us, the timetable is different.
Coping is going to be a learning process. What works for me may or may not work for you and vice versa. My husband was killed in April this year in a motorcycle accident and while I do look at his photos and watch video's of us I can tell you for me personally it tears me to pieces to look at them and takes me to very dark places right now and then I feel extreme guilt that I can't handle looking at his beautiful face without becoming hysterically upset. There's no right or wrong way of coping and like sheila512 said there's no time table either, I wish there was. I have a grief friend that said if he just knew in two years he would be doing ok going on with life post loss he could handle it so much easier but that's just not how this works because the loss and the grief is so extremely personal. I think that if you find something, anything that brings you any sort of peace or comfort then you should do it. If it causes you pain or to regress in your grief process then don't do it. At first I had to go hour by hour then day by day, now I can think about each week but not much more and I hope someday I can look at my wonderful beautiful husband's face without regressing but it is not today. Finding people on here that you can connect with is what has really helped me the most and a couple of them have been a life raft for me.
I am sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband suddenly, I have so many emotions swirling around I don't know how to deal with them at times. I wish for all of us to find a place of happiness, whatever that may be.
I am so thankful I found this site. I too am trying to take small steps and find each hour of each day difficult. My husband of 20 years died suddenly in May and I was with him when he collapsed which was terrible. I feel I am still suffering, not only with losing him and the grief, but the shock. I still find it hard accepting he has really gone, it was so unexpected. However, I take some comfort from the fact that ge didn't suffer and also that in a way he dudn't ever have to suffer the pain I am going through because I fear he would not have been able to bear losing me. I have been advised that yoga and meditation help - has anybody tried this.
Hello: My husband died suddenly (heart attack) three months ago today and I am so lost and lonely. I thought I would be stronger than this...but I am a total mess. My mind is foggy, I cry all the time, can't sleep more than 4 hours at a time. I am keeping up with the farm chores and I have been out to lunch etc. with friends, but....I am really like a piece of drift wood just bobbing around in an ocean of confusion, loneliness and grief! I only have one son who ives 6 hours away w. his family and no one else really to depend on.
Hello, it is no comfort but you are fortunate to have some chores to keep you busy because they will offer some distraction. Not that you ever stop thinking about your loss. I have no responsibilities except keeping the house tidy and time hangs very heavy on my hands. Yes, I too seem to be wandering aimlessly about, feeling hopeless and crying at the slightest reminder of my husband. It is amazing that this terrible grief I am suffering has also destroyed my self confidence and self esteem. I am truly lost and feel my whole life has been devastated. Everybody advises me to get out and meet people and to join clubs for companionship and although I am trying to do this, being with groups of people often causes me to have feelings of panic and it is very easy to start crying. Like you, and all the other sufferers on this site, I dearly want to get back to some sort of peace. Small steps each day, taking care of ourselves and know that this awful experience is 'normal'.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I take things day by day at times
by half a day. Less mood swings
which is good and some anger
I have is beginning to lessen.
Anger in the beginning was
I talk to Sofia every day about
the civil war hobby and other
things.I miss her dearly and
Talk to her ss if she is in the
room with me. Yes talk to him
all the time and maybe keep
his keys in your purse or some
litte thing he had.
I lost my husband and best friend due to an accident a little over 2 years ago. It has been a very difficult road to travel without him. I am having a very hard time living my life alone now. I didn't plan on being alone at this point in my life and there is a big hole in my heart that no one call fill but him. Yet here I still am and now I have to try and go on somehow although it is very hard and uncomfortable, I do have a support group. It will always hurt the rest of my life so i have had to learn to live with the pain. Someone told me once to allow myself to be sad some days but to schedule times when it's ok to block it out too and focus on a positive. Also, exercise and fresh air has been very helpful.
My condolences. You asked how will you cope. None of us will have your exact answer, but I did see you or someone else say they do it day to day. I would offer that when you are at your darkest, just vow to get to the next meal, and then the next and then the next. Don't give up, just postpone those feelings for a while. I box mine up and then try to pull them out when it suits me and I have time to be emotional.
It might work for you too.
Thank you. Yes i think you are right.
I lost my husband unexpectedly as well. He died of sudden cardiac arrest at work in April at the age of 45. I had just spoke to him and a few hours later he was gone. Grief and pain from that grief is probably the most debilitating emotional turmoil you could go through. I have lost a lot of friends as well as my late husbands family. They all abandoned me so I’m all alone on my grief journey. It definitely changes who we are. What’s helped me was staying busy and learning to do things by myself. I go to concerts,hiking,etc. I’m the life my late husband would want me to. Doing all the fun things we enjoyed. You grieve in the way you feel is best for you. Don’t let anyone put you on a timeline.
I offer my condolences on the sudden loss of your husband. May you find some comfort. I know this is easier said than done. I had the sudden loss of my husband November 28, 2014. This November 28, 2019 will mark five years. This date is also Thanksgiving this year.
Five years seems like yesterday. I feel as though I never got to say good-bye but to me it will never be good-bye. I am happy to have found this website to share with others who are going through the loss and grief. It is a process of which I am still dealing with. So many things I miss. Holidays and weekends seem to be the hardest times. Enough about me, I hope that in time your pain will ease somewhat.
Take one day at a time. I write poetry and write in my journal that helps me sometimes. Take your time.