My heart hurts

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Dawn Reilly, Nov 27, 2016.

  1. Dawn Reilly

    Dawn Reilly New Member

    I just joined the site today with hopes of finding new friends who know what I am going through. My husband passsed 4 weeks ago. He fell down the steps and hit his head. A stupid accident took him from us. While my heart is at peace because he is no longer in the hospital, we miss him terribly. I am very well aware of the grieving process. My 6 year old daughter was killed in a car accident 20 years ago. I'm looking to meet new friends and hopefully I may be able to make someone feel better by talking them.
     
    Jen5169 likes this.
  2. My husband died 4 weeks ago from cancer. We only had 7 years together. Most of those years were great. He was a kind, thoughtful, dynamic man. People loved him so. Some days I don't know how I'll make it through this. I have had so much loss in my life. A father when he was 44, three brothers, a close grandmother, 4 miscarriages with no living children, 2 divorces. I finally had found my soul mate and he was taken from me. Sometimes I wonder.
     
  3. I also lost my first love from cancer. He was 23. I hope I can find a friend who will understand.
     
  4. Dawn Reilly

    Dawn Reilly New Member

    Oh my. Such a young age. I do understand your pain. Grief is such an emotional roller coaster. I have suffered so much loss in the past 20 yrs. I do understand. I am here if you want to talk.
     
  5. So, you have also suffered a lot of loss in your life. I feel like I just cant take this current loss. Everyone always tell me how strong I am cause ive bared so much pain for others and had my own pain. I have been a Hospice nurse casemanager for 30 years but I am so tired .This is about to take me under. He was such a wonderful, talented man and now he is gone. I know he"s not suffering anymore and I wouldn't want him to suffer but it is still devastating. What are you doing to get through the day?
     
  6. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Hi Bonnie:
    I am so very sorry for your loss. To say that "life is unfair", doesn't quite seem to cut it. Being a Hospice Nurse for so long, I'm sure you have seen a lot of heartbreak and you have probably helped others get through it as well. And surely, you have endured a great deal of pain prior to recently losing your husband. I think everyone handles grief in their very own personal way and for each person, their reaction may change as they get older.

    I myself have lost both parents- my Dad 12 years ago suddenly and my Mom last May to COPD. I also recently got divorced after almost 20 years, due to his long term infidelity, so I'm dealing with that as well. I am also permanently estranged from my only sister and sadly, that will never change. So basically, I am alone with no real connections.

    You asked Dawn how she gets through the day, so I would like to share my take on this. First, I make sure I get up early in the morning. It's very easy to pull the covers over your head and wish the world would go away, but we surely know that's not doing anyone any good. I no long work full-time (my choice), so I try to keep myself busy every single day. I volunteer 3 days a week, which puts me in contact with people a lot less fortunate than I am. That has a way of humbling you. When I'm not out and about, I read quite a bit, write in my journals, listen to music and generally be kind and easy to myself. For so many years I always put other people first and really overlooked my own needs. Not anymore. I would say that the nights are the hardest. I seldom sleep more than 3-4 hours and the wheels are always turning. I haven't yet found a remedy for this and would certainly be open to suggestions.

    Mainly, I just wanted to lend support and tell you that I understand how you feel. You just don't know how to continue on and I'd bet that you question your ability to do so. I think it's just a matter of baby steps and taking one day at a time. Also, set goals for yourself. Plan on doing something alone that you never thought you could handle. For me, that was dining out solo. I do enjoy fine cuisine and I was not about to stop doing so, just because I had nobody to enjoy a meal with. So I started going to places where they know me and I felt comfortable. Then I ventured out to new places, at least once weekly. And you know what? I now enjoy it and it's very liberating to know that I can do it....all on my own.

    Take care and reach out whenever you want to chat.

    Ellen
     
  7. Hi Ellen, I like your advice about doing something you like even if you have to do it alone. I think I'm gonna try that. I have also t aken care of others needs before mine,do I understand where you are coming from. Life is so hard sometimes. I pray that this horrible pain will leave me soon. I know intellectually it's a process but that doesn't make it any easier. I will also prat for you Ellen. I have been divorce and I know that grieving pain also. God bless you. You sound like a strong lady.Its good to know their are people who care about others,even strangers.
     
  8. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Hi Bonnie:
    And you sound like a strong and resilient person yourself! You know, towards the end with my Mom, I had hospice come in because I knew she was uncomfortable and needed morphine and daily nursing care. That job is a tough one and I give those people an awful lot of credit. Not only did they help my Mom, but they also helped me a great deal. And you're right....life is indeed very hard. Not sometimes, but most of the time! You really need to give yourself some time and I'm sure you know that. Four weeks is like yesterday. When you lose someone that you were so close with, sometimes the pain never goes away. You just learn to cope with it better. I was extremely close to my Dad. In fact, he was really my Step-Dad, but in my life since I was 16 years old, which is a long time considering I will be 63 in a couple of weeks. I was very close to him and he truly was my heart. Even closer to me than my Mom. It's going on 12 years since he died and although I am doing my best to live my life, Father's Day and his birthday is very hard and I still shed a river of tears each time I visit his grave. The only difference now is that the pain is not paralyzing like it was in the beginning.

    And you will get there also, but you know better than me....you have to go thru all the stages. So just be good to yourself and do small things or even large things to make you happy. I'm not particularly happy about being so alone and I never really thought I'd be in this position at this point of my life, but the way I see it, I have 2 choices. I can either give up on life and just exist or I can live and enjoy life as much as I can. So I choose to give it my best shot.

    And you're also correct when you say there are a lot of people out there.....strangers- who have a ton of compassion and really care about someone who is fighting a tough battle, similar to their own. Often strangers can be very good friends.

    Keep in touch and write whenever you feel the need to.

    Take Care!

    Ellen














     
  9. Ellen, I can feel the love in your heart just by reading your post. I think you may be an empath like me. Empaths feel things very deeply, even others people's pain and joy.I know that's why I chose to be a Hospice Nurse because it's like a calling to me not just a job. I only work part time now because I have battled cancer twice and I have fibromyalgia. The chemo also left me with some neuropathy. My husband was with me every step of my last battle with cancer. He was a very attentive man. He would serve me with joy in his eyes. It was like a dream come true and now he's gone. Sometimes it's just so hard to believe. So I'm here in this huge house alone. No children. I've got family and friends thank God but I miss him terribly. I miss him playing his guitar and singing to me. I miss us doing gigs and singing together. It was once in a lifetime kind of relationship. Thankyou Ellen for your kindness. I hope we can continue to talk. Bonnie
     
  10. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Bonnie:
    The way you describe the relationship you had with your husband made me think of a line from one of my most favorite movies that I have seen dozens of times...."Terms of Endearment." In a scene between Sally Fields and Julia Roberts. "I'd rather have 10 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing."
    You had many moments of wonderful with your husband. Those memories will be with you always. Keep them close for comfort when you need it most.
    You will get through this.
    XOXO. Ellen
     
  11. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Hi Bonnie:
    How are you doing? I just wanted to check back and see how you are. Write whenever you feel like chatting.

    Take care.

    Ellen
     
  12. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Hi Dawn:
    How are you doing? I hope you're hanging in there as best as possible. Let me know when you can.

    Be well and take care.

    Ellen
     
  13. Jen5169

    Jen5169 Member

    Hi Dawn, Sorry about your loss and heartache. I,too am going through loss and heartache. My husband laid down to rest after working in his wood working shop. I found him when I went into bedroom to remind him we were going to watch a basketball game. His death wasn't a total surprise . He had multiple health issues. That happened this last Spring and now the holidays are here. I am reading lots of books on Grief,however, I went to a 6 week grief support group offered by our local hospital and that helped me so so much. Being in a group of people that were suffering losses and sharing our stories strengthened me. I would recommend grief support to all