No one close in my life has passed so losing my partner has completely destroyed me. Its been 5 weeks from last Thursday when he died in an accident and I haven't been able to get through it like everyone around me. It hurts to think I'll never say goodnight and fall asleep to him snoring. I can't call him on my way home to discuss dinner while I hear him washing dishes. I can't tell him about my good days or bad days. I just want to find him somewhere and just hold him one more time. My mind is racing between letting myself go or try and put my life back together. I don't know what to do or say. I suck at expressing my feelings into words so saying anything on here is a complete mess. I just want to know how to keep going and not feel alone in this. I don't know what to do.
You are not alone. My heart is breaking for you. I 100% know what you are going through. I pray when i go to sleep every night i will wake up and realize it was just a bad dream. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you for that. Thats what I hope to happen when I wake up. That hes right there on my left still sleeping with his million alarms going off and Im laughing because he tries the tv remote thinking its the phone. Can I ask how you get up in the morning? Right when you know its not a dream but this cruel sick thing that happened.? Because it takes me hours to get going.
It's hard to force myself out of bed every morning. Once reality sets in i am sick to my stomach. The only thing that gives me comfort is knowing he left this earth knowing how much he was loved. I am still just having to literally take it moment by moment. I still don't know how to move on with my life knowing he is no longer a physical part of it.
I feel that way too. Im grateful that nothing can hurt him ever again but I’m lucky to know we both loved each other. Like you said, its comforting. I wish it was enough to ease the pain of it all so we can accept that one day we will pass to and be with them agin. I just feel selfish to think I want him alive just so I don’t feel this hurt. Do you think they watch over us and feel sad that we are hurting so much? I know I would tell him Im okay and itll be okay but I cant tell myself that.
I don't know that anything will ever be enough to ease the pain of losing our loved one. I pray they are somehow out there at peace and wanting to give us some sort of comfort. I know they loved us so much that they wouldn't want us hurting, but that's the double edged sword we loved them so much we can't help but hurt and ache for them. I don't know how we are going to do this....but hopefully knowing someone else out there needs us to carry on...we can go do it together.
Thank you so much. It makes sense to feel the pain of the loss is about as much as we loved them. Or maybe not! Maybe the love we have for them is so much that we can’t handle the loss of it. I tried to think what would he be doing right now if it was reversed. My Matt was incredibly strong willed so I tell myself he is probably in the city doing his job but beating the crap out of some iron he’s building. He was an iron worker. I know he’d be crushed like me. Do you ever wind up doing the things your loved one did? Like make coffee the way they did or wear their tshirts? Ive been doing that thinking it connects me to him. I miss that connection like holding hands or something.
I've been wearing a sweater of David's off and on since he passed away. I sleep with one of his shirts with me every night. I think his shirt is the only thing that still smells like him. I am terrified that smell is going to go away. I can't bring myself to do much more than just get out of bed. I have tried to work a little bit but even that is still hard. I honestly don't know how David would have handled it if things were reversed. I know he would be just as lost as i am, but i think he would have buried himself in his work to distract himself. But i wouldn't want him to live feeling as though he couldn't go on. I would want him to never forget me but i would also not want him to torture himself over it too. I read this quote the other day ( i have been reading a lot of them lately) and it rings so true for me. “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go” Our loves knew they were loved so very much and now we have to learn to put that love in another direction whether it is just to comfort someone going through the same tragedy or give ourselves the peace they would want us to have. I am sure this sounds like a lot of random nonsense but i am just trying to do the best i can and if it can bring any comfort to someone else then maybe it isn't really nonsense. My heart is truly with you.
Smells are a hard one for me too. I kept most of his things for that reason. His sweater I have lost its smell but using his shower products helps. He had a beard to the container of conditioner for it reminds me of him. Sometimes I smell his favorite food! I even started not eating sweets because he never did. That quote is beyond words. Its beautiful. That lump in the throat, I have it all the time. Its like I’m hypersensitive to anything that reminds me of him and I start to cry. Do you think being alone to cry is better than having someone with you? I feel like they just start talking to stop me, trying to be comforting but it bottles me up.
Everything makes me cry thinking of David. I cherish the memories i have with him....but it's never enough. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I get mad and wonder what i did to deserve this. I think when we feel the urge to cry we have to just do it whether there is people around or not. I understand the feeling of trying to bottle it up when people try to comfort me and i don't honestly think that they are trying to do that. They just want us to be ok....even though we are dying inside. This is such a new experience for me too and i don't understand how people get through. You never think it's going to happen to you. I want David back in my arms so badly but i know he's not coming back .....so now i just need to pray for the courage to be able to move on. And i pray that for you too!
Everything makes me cry too. We have loads of memories and photos that I look at a million times a day trying not to forget my feelings and thoughts when we took them. I keep thinking it will help me feel him by remembering how I felt in those moments. Its not the same or enough, like you said. It never will be because when we need them, they can't be there in person. We don't deserve this, you or me or them. When you say you feel like your dying inside, you mean like letting yourself go? Like letting life take the reins and you just drift with it instead of moving on? I think that way too because I don't know what else to do. I can't let my Matt go so I can move on because he was supposed to be with me as life goes on. People always say that line "He'll always be with you.... in spirit", it drives this huge knife in my heart to hear it. I get flashes everyday of his death and his body, how he died so horribly. The smells and the shock. Are we supposed to try and think about other things instead of them? I feel like that's how everyone else has moved on. They distract themselves. I'm so sorry to keep going like this with you because I know it hurts. I just feel a tiny connection like I'm not alone and talking about it or rambling kind of helps. Have you tried support groups, church, therapy? I tried a grief counselor which I think made things worse so I canceled after the third week.
Right now i am just going through the motions. I don't know that i can ever let David go and move on. I don't understand why things happen to certain people and not others ( not that i wish this on anyone ) I don't understand am i supposed to be learning some sort of lesson from this am i being punished for something i did or didn't do? I feel selfish for feeling this way but i just don't understand! I have people tell me to get counseling but i am scared to go for fear of what they will tell me to do or not do. I am just trying to make sense out of chaos and i can't. You can "ramble" to me as much as you like and maybe one day it will help make it hurt just a tiny bit less. We loved them so very much and that just makes the ache and hurt that much more. What happened with the grief counselor if you don't mind me asking?
She told me what ever I do is normal and that it takes time to heal. That I need to find people to fill in Matt's roles and that because I'm still alive, I need to live. I went in to see her first about 4 days after Matt died because my family was scared for me since it was so violent. I went in there thinking this woman handles grieving people all the time, and charges $100 a visit($400 a month), so she had to have something that will help me. I left every time thinking the same way I came in if not worse. How can they say that what we lost is normal? People don't get run over every day like it's nothing. And to say that I needed to fill in Matt's roles, I have no one to be who he was to me. It hurt really bad to see her the few times I went because Matt was different from everyone, like your David I'm sure. When I talked about him, she listened by responded with really basic responses. Maybe I just needed to be angry at someone for this all and I targeted her. I couldn't blame Matt for getting hurt or the woman who killed him. I can't blame myself since I can't stop a car like superman. I think she just wasn't a good fit for me. I do see a social worker now that does stuff with oils and movement therapy, like yoga moves but really simple things. It sounds silly but the same day I saw the social worker, I was able to visit Matt's favorite deli we went to everyday and get a coffee like he does. I even drove past the accident site. I was so proud of myself since I avoided it for a month. I kept telling myself that Matt loved that place and would love to see me going there on my own. And the scene of the accident is just a road that wasn't out to get him. I don't know why these things happened to us and our men but it seems like its just chance and fate. Its a horrible and cruel fact that there's literally nothing we can do now but go through these waves of pain whenever we see something that used to bring us happy thoughts. Have you found anything that helps even a little bit? I tried watching movies, walking the dogs, a little campfire with friends. Nothing comforts me but the fact that Matt can never be hurt by life again. He won't need to live with the pain we feel right now. I just wish they can swoop down and hug us tight. Or a sign that they are there.
I think that is just it. I have nowhere to direct my anger. I can't compare my tragedy to yours simple for the fact it wasn't under the same circumstances. David just went to sleep one night and didn't wake up. We still haven't found out the cause and I am blaming myself for missing something for not being able to have done more. And it's a very complicated situation so I didn't get the opportunity to say goodbye and get at least a tiny bit of closer. I can't bring myself to do anything that we did together or go to any of the places that we went to. I just find it too painful. I force myself to listen to songs that were OUR songs but that just makes me miss him even more. It's odd though I can fall asleep at night and feel somewhat at peace ( I don't know if its me feeling him with me in some way ) but it is first thing in the morning that its a punch in the stomach and realizing he isn't here anymore. I know he wouldn't want me hurting so bad ( and I am sure Matt wouldn't want you to either ) but we do. And maybe in some way they will let us know they are at peace and we don't have to hurt so much.
this is my first time on here and i saw that quote. Nothing has expressed how i feel more accurately. thank you for posting it.
