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My dad

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Julie Starcher, Jul 28, 2019.

  1. Julie Starcher

    Julie Starcher New Member

    I'm struggling trying to find the words for the grief I feel,my dad and I were always so close,I miss him terribly.he passed on June 14 th of this year suddenly of a heart attack,I thought we had more time,truthfully I couldn't bring myself to ever think about him not being here,he had moved in with my husband and I eight months ago,and it was amazing to be able to see him all the time and talk about daily things, I was finally able to give back to him some of the caring thoughtful things he had always given to me as a child and as an adult. I heard him fall to the floor that morning and I ran to him but I wasn't able to save him,the shock and the loss has devastated me.I just want to be able to tell him I love him and to express what a blessing it was to have known him as a dad and as a person,he was so amazing,I miss him so much,I feel like the pain will never go away.
     
  2. CathyRdz87

    CathyRdz87 New Member

    I lost my dad this January. He also had a heart attack. I was extremely close to him as well and still I don't know how to deal with his loss even after 7 months.
     
  3. Taisha Santiago

    Taisha Santiago New Member

    I am so sorry for both of your loss. I loss my dad May 13th of this year. He was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Prostate Cancer April 5th. It had spread to all the bones in his body, his brain, and spine. The entire left hemisphere was damaged. As his health care proxy, I had to make the decision to take him off of a ventilator. On May 11th, 2019, the machine was taken off, he lasted two day. I was with him until he took his last breath. He passed the day after Mother's Day. I have a deep guilt for having to make the decision, although I know it was his request; I can't help but feel wrong and guilty, I also feel as if he passed mad at me. I'm am hurting so bad.
     
  4. SteveR

    SteveR New Member

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. I’m feeling the same way about the loss of my dad. Like yourself, I was very close to him. My fiancé and I moved back to my hometown to help my mom care for my dad. He diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and the last two years we were helping my parents it was so hard. In January of this year, my dad experienced the first of four seizures which basically made him nonverbal. In June of this year, we hospitalized him because of another seizure and our entire family spent the last week of my dad’s life at the hospital. It was so sad. He was a retired teacher of 31 years and an avid athlete. He passed on June 22 and every day I’m so sad that my father and mentor is no longer with us.
     
  5. riverinohio

    riverinohio Active Member

    Please do not feel guilty about your decision. There was no hope for a recovery and what you did was merciful. Cancer is painful and he is not feeling that pain. The fact is that certain things are out of our control and when a loved one gets ill there is only so much we can do. Sometimes we have to give in and surrender and that alone is horrible. After a death we play the "could have, should have" game which is cruel to ourselves. We have to be kinder to ourselves. In your specific situation I think to make him linger would have been torture for him. Don't feel guilty. What is upsetting is that he got cancer in the first place and the feelings of anger and sadness over that is what can take over. I am sorry for your loss and I will tell you it will hurt for a long time. My dad died in December and I am still hurting very badly. I miss him terribly. My dad was sick and I am so sad that he went through what he did. I just am trying to put one foot in front of the other because I know my dad would want that for me. Embrace the pain and don't push it away because it will resurface down the road. Hang in there, you are not alone and just be grateful he is not in pain.
     
  6. riverinohio

    riverinohio Active Member

    I am sorry for your loss and it is a very new loss so the pain will be intense for awhile. We want the pain to go away just like that but it's not that easy. I too am wondering when the pain will lessen. I must say as time passes I am finding it even harder. You are not alone.
     
  7. jayco

    jayco New Member

    Julie,
    I’m so sorry for your pain and your loss. I too lost my dad from a heart attack. He went to sleep and never woke up. He passed on August 7th. He and I were extremely close. My heart aches to hear how you loved having your dad live with you and getting to talk to him daily. How you described that you could give back to him all that he gave to you. My dad also was the most wonderful caring giving soul and he was taken from us too soon. The pain I feel is deep because the love was so deep.
     
  8. Regina12

    Regina12 New Member

    taisha,
    My dad also passed from Stage 4 Metastatic Prostate Cancer this year. Death is hard, seeing your father go through all this takes a total on your mind, and body. Grief is like a roller coaster. You have your good days and then you have your bad days. Your what if I did this or what if I did that. I struggle with that and missing my dad everyday. I heard on this podcast, holidays are tough but we prepare ourselves. We tell ourselves hold on it’ll be okay. It’s the days when you think omg, I don’t have a dad anymore, or when you have to tell people about your dads passing. I wanna believe that hope is around the corner. That this will get somewhat easier or at least god keeps giving me the strength I need to keep moving even tho I’m at block right now. I’m 35 years old and I can relate more to my friends parents then my own friends. I hope god gives you peace and always know like I tell myself dad wouldn’t have been mad about how I handle his last weeks but he was so happy I was there for him in his time of need.

    ❤️
     
  9. tncarolyn

    tncarolyn New Member

     
  10. tncarolyn

    tncarolyn New Member

    Taisha,
    Please realize that your dad was suffering greatly and you made decisions that were in his best interest. He probably was angry, not at you, but at his illness. He barely had a diagnosis for a month before passing, so there was no time for him to reach the stage of acceptance. You were with him at the end, and that is what matters most. My dad had pancreatic cancer, and thought he beat it due to a lucky very early diagnosis. A year later, when he began having issues controlling his blood sugar (diabetic for several years at that point) he went to his doctor and found that his cancer had returned in his liver. He was devastated and angry. He insisted on a second opinion from the doctor that had done his original surgery a year earlier. My sister and I loaded him into his truck and drove him 3 hours (in the snow) to the hospital ER where his doctor practiced. 3 days later they had confirmed his cancer had spread to his liver, and that was the reason his blood sugar had become so difficult to control. Flushing the insulin from his system that his liver couldn't process resulted in fluid retention. The hospital wanted to put him in hospice care there, but we had promised both him and my mother that he would be coming home. I have a little medical training and knew what that could mean for him. We signed the waiver of responsibility for the hospital, and they were compassionate enough to help us get him home by a 3 hour ambulance ride. He lost his ability to speak hours after getting settled back at home, and passed in a diabetic coma 4 days later on New Years' Eve. I felt guilt for a long time afterward, because I knew when he left that hospital that the trip home and inability to regulate his blood sugar meant he wouldn't survive long. I remind myself that I did what he wanted, he knew he was going to die, and wanted to die at home no matter what the cost. I learned hard lessons about dealing with hospice, but I am outspoken about what I learned as a tribute to his memory. I miss my dad all the time, even though he's been gone for 8 years. There will always be little things that will trigger strong memories of your dad. The smell of a certain cologne, seeing someone who favors him and happens to be dressed like he dressed, a saying or voice that reminds you of him. They are random and unpredictable, but I love the flood of memories of my dad that come back to me even if they make me cry.
     
  11. FamousAmos

    FamousAmos New Member

    My dad just died last Saturday unexpectedly from a heart attack. My heart hurts. I struggle with depression already and this is making everything worse. I just want to wake up and feel better.
     
  12. riverinohio

    riverinohio Active Member

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It is horrible but I invite you to keep reaching out on this site. It has been helpful for me. Grief is very painful and each person grieves differently, just try to get the support you need by reaching out and you made the first step by coming on this site. You are not alone so just know that.