My dad ended his own life three weeks ago

I will never forget January 21st, 2020. Around half past five I woke from a nap with my boyfriend of 3 years. I saw texts from my sister and mom saying to call them, that it was urgent. I decided to call my sister first.

As soon as she answered I could hear it in her voice and I knew before she even said the words “dad’s dead” that my father had taken his own life. My father had been struggling with depression and addiction for a few years and the illness had finally claimed his life.

I was two hours away in my college town, so I didn’t witness anything. My sister and mom and grandfather saw his body immediately after. I didn’t see his body until the visitation two days later and my knees buckled out of shock and grief, I found myself holding onto the sofa in the funeral home for support.

The grief is gut-wrenching and all-consuming, even almost a month after his death. It feels like it all happened yesterday and I’m not ready for how quickly time is passing by. I’m not ready to move on. The pain comes in waves, most of the time I can suppress it, and other times it hits me like a tornado. I’m too young to lose my dad, my best friend.

The worst part about all of it - it was preventable. My mom chose to ridicule him and not show an ounce of caring toward him for the past 5-10 years of their marriage. Normal people would’ve gotten divorced, but my dad was the only one with a job supporting four children. He asked my mom so many times to try and get a job to ease the burden on him, as he would work 12 hour days, 6 days of the week. He’d then come home and have to cook dinner and clean as well because she wouldn’t have done so. I can understand fully why he was depressed. It hurts so much that I wasn’t there to stop him.

The last time I saw him before his passing was during the Christmas holidays. This was the one Christmas I had chosen to spend with my boyfriends family, having never spent a Christmas away from home before. I came home on the 28th and stayed for about a week. That was the last time I saw him and I wish I had known it would be my last. He was gone before the month was even over.

I’ll end with this: I have struggled with depression myself for many years, and contemplated suicide countless times. I almost went through with it several times. But I know now that I would NEVER want anyone I love to feel the way I’m feeling now. The guilt, the hurt, and the anguish, I would never wish on anyone. I am not particularly religious like my dad was, he was baptist christian and I’m agnostic but was raised baptist. This leaves me feeling very anxious about what comes after death, and everyone saying he is in a better place only makes me sadder. Because how I can know he’s in a better place when I’m not sure I even believe in that? I know he’s out of his pain here on Earth, and that’s what I have to focus on or else I’ll go a little crazy.

Thanks to whoever reads this long post, just wanted to share my story.

 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. Your story is heart breaking, and you are so young. Your story brings tears to my eyes as I read it. I don’t have any magic that will help your pain go away but I do know how you’re feeling and I know it’s devastating and all encompassing. It’s not even a month, so be easy on yourself, don’t push to do things, most things can wait. Take a day at a time, if that feels daunting one hour or even one minute, this is a horrible road to travel I’m glad you have the support of your boyfriend to help you through. Hopefully you and your sister have a close bond as well. I lost my dad to cancer when I was 36 and that felt young, and I didn’t think I could live a single day without him, we were very close. The only thing that helped me through was staying busy with my 2 children and time. Lots of time, it took a very long time before I could have a memory about my dad that would make me smile instead of cry. I know your circumstances are different then mine but try to take care of yourself, try to get fresh air every day, just care for you. Cry as much as you need.
I lost my husband to a massive heart attack that came out of no where. We didn’t know he had a heart condition, in fact the doctors at the hospital said this kind of heart attack wouldn’t have been detected if he was at a heart doctor the day before. We were sitting in the living room watching tv and he felt stomach sick. That was 9:30 pm things got worse quickly I called 911, by 11:32 he had passed. Worse day of my life. Together since I was 16 and he was 19, 44 years together, married 41 years. It’s 15 months since then, I feel lonely and scared taking on everything myself. I am better then when I first lost him but I’m not great and other then my two children I have no support. Support disappears quickly, by the time you really need it, it’s gone never to return. I do feel comfort knowing from being on this site that it happens to us all. I’m not the only one with the feeling of abandonment.
I’ve experienced through many losses, that the memories will eventually make you smile, im not there yet with my husband but that will happen.
Take care

 

Thank you for sharing, you had a special bond with your dad. Give yourself time to grieve, and do seek help if you feel the need. Depression is an illness and there's help, I'm sorry that your dad went through that. Depression and alcoholism has been an issue in my family, my cousin who lost his wife last summer became depressed and started to self medicate, he did get help and is doing much better. At my husband's wake he gave me a gentle warning to seek help if I needed it. I hope you find a way to heal, not only yourself but your family. Be easy on yourself, eat, sleep, cry, take a walk. Love yourself.

 

I’m sorry for your loss, I lost my daughter Mia to suicide on January 1st 2020 she was only 10 years old.

 

My heart breaks for you! I am so sorry. I have no words, but I know you’re in a lot of pain. Try to take care of yourself. One day at a time or one hour, or one minute. Don’t push yourself, most things can wait. Do nothing if that is what feels best, and let yourself cry.
This site is very helpful, people understand and help with words, I’m hoping you find some help on here.
Thinking of you and praying for you. Try to get some fresh air each day.