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My dad died and it's been shocking and surreal

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by SunflowerCosmos, May 15, 2021.

  1. Last year my father died. He'd had what we thought was Alzheimers disease for several years but it was fairly mild and mainly caused changes like personality changes (he was more depressed, less positive, more accusatory and territorial of his home) and some slight reduction in his mobility as well as some fairly mild memory loss, but as far as I thought he was fairly well before March 2020 when the lockdown happened. When the lockdown happened, he lost all of his support groups that helped him to stay mobile, active and social and that's when his health started to rapidly get worse. The only thing legally he could do was walk round the block but he was starting to struggle with that so he ended up being quite sedentary. I'd got round and try to do chair aerobics etc with him to keep him active but it wasn't enough to replace what he'd lost. He ended up unable to walk, had a fall and went to hospital, where we weren't allowed to visit him which was a nightmare. The hospital seemed to take ages to get tests done but eventually said they thought he had Lewy Body Dementia. He came home but then ended up having a stroke and went back into hospital. After he came home the second time, we got into a good routine of looking after him at home, I'd do things like paint with him or play him his favourite music. The disease is horrible and it was like we were losing him through a tunnel, but the music would help pull him out of the tunnel and return to us and the present moment. He became really contented, appreciative and lovely in the last few months of his life and just seemed to really enjoy the simple things like good music, nice food and seeing his family but it feels bittersweet that this was only to be for a few months. Nobody ever warned us that he could die soon so I assumed he would live like that for another few years at least. Instead, he died quite suddenly one morning after being quite happy and chatty the night before. It was really shocking seeing him die, very surreal and distressing. It was a strange and unsettling mixture of cosiness and trauma - he was in the living room all warm and cosy with the Christmas decorations up which he always loved, but was dying a horrible death where he couldn't breathe properly. I couldn't stop crying for hours every day for about two weeks after he died, now I am usually crying every day but not for as long a time.

    It's just been so shocking, so surreal. I feel like I'm now in the second stage of my life, because when my dad died, so did my youth. Some days I feel ready to embrace this second stage, and know I need to accept that this is the current timeline we are on and not keep wishing I was still a young adult when life felt a lot happier, but other days I just feel so shocked and devastated and in disbelief. It's really hard to believe he's gone. It's like the worst kind of heartbreak and very strange and unsettling seeing the world just carry on as usual. I am finding it strange and uncomfortable adjusting to being 'an adult' even though I've actually been an adult for years physically, but probably have been mentally more like a child. Things like, now it's me who goes to buy the fish and chips, I have to navigate hardware shops to buy DIY supplies, I have to deal with everyone and everything and I can't hide behind anyone anymore. My dad was always good with people, he had this great way of being both charming, warm but also assertive, so as a family he was our kind of spokesman and would deal with challenging issues. He also dealt with all the finances and when he got sick and died I realised I didn't know much about them apart from trying not to spend more than my income, making sure I save a bit each month etc. When he died we'd only just started to get our heads around the care he needed but felt we were doing well with adjusting, then he suddenly died.

    Anyway thanks for reading and I hope other people can relate although I'm also sorry if you are feeling in distress after losing a loved one too.
     
  2. KristaGrym

    KristaGrym New Member

    So sorryabout your loss, I lostmy dad on March due to cancer and it seems so unreal. Sending hugs
     
  3. veggie

    veggie New Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I too am facing a life without my parents, the two people that meant the most to me in this life. I lost them both recently, within 6 months of each other and I am having such a hard time accepting this new reality. So much of what you say resonates with me because as much as I had taken on the "adult" role as my parents aged, I still felt safe and protected having them in my life, and still could feel like a "kid". My father was the brains of our family, so talented, such a caring strong man. He was such a loving and great father. My mom was always the caretaker of our family, she was the mom that would always put her family before her, she loved everyone unconditionally, she was always cooking, baking, had a positive outlook on life, was the voice of reason, and just was superwoman. She was also my best friend and a true angel. I could have the worst day and all it took was to hear their voice over the phone or to see them, and everything would be OK again. To lose them both so suddenly and so soon is just more than I can bear. I lost my sister a few years ago so I am the only one left from our original "family", and I am left to carry this burden all by myself. I have great extended family and friends and a wonderful husband who has been very supportive, but I never felt so alone in my life. Not because I don't think I am loved and supported by everyone, but because no one else can feel this pain and grief like I do. Life has gone on, and I am in this world of hurt and while I am still forcing myself to function and carry on with my daily life and responsibilities, inside I am just torn apart and an empty shell and just finding it hard to continue. Everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I do just reminds me of them and makes me miss them more each day. And there are so many pieces to pick up that I just don't even know where to begin. I experience anxiety attacks, cry uncontrollably at all times of the day and either want to go to bed early or can't sleep at all and have insomnia. My whole life I dreaded the day I would lose my parents and suddenly I find myself in this nightmare and I know I will never wake up from it. And facing the future in a world without them and my sister is just beyond my ability to comprehend. I am just trying to stay very busy and not give myself too much time to "think" about things, but I can't keep running away from my reality, and just keep searching for the strength to keep going. I also hope that you too will find strength and wisdom and will find a way to navigate through this new chapter in your life. Please know that I understand what you are going through and just try to take things one day at a time, and know that our loved ones that are no longer with us would not want us to suffer like this, and that we were so lucky to have such wonderful parents that we loved so much and loved us in return. Not everyone was as blessed as we were.
     
    KateIsNotOkay likes this.
  4. Thanks for your replies. It does sound similar to your situation @veggie. For me my relationship with my parents was more complicated, there was dysfunction in my family which has added to the confusion about how I currently feel. I have a lot of very good memories and a lot of very painful memories too. I'm sorry that you have lost your mother and your sister too, I can definitely imagine how that feels to lose your family of origin, even though you currently have a partner and a family of your own. It's like we long to just be the child again, back at home with our family with everything feeling cosy and taken care of.

    I realise that my whole life, partly due to my parents being somewhat emotionally unavailable, almost everything I did, I always couldn't wait to go home and tell my parents about it. I wonder if subconsciously I did things to feel more 'seen' by them. I've travelled, lived, worked and studied all over the world but wherever I was I felt very homesick and was always ringing them, buying them gifts from abroad and I couldn't wait to come home and tell them about my trip. I often wondered if this wasn't very healthy, other adults seem to healthily detach from their family of origin and have a different, adult to adult relationship with their parents but I always felt like the child, and I still do at times. I'm adjusting to being 'an adult' and it's a bit easier than it was but it still doesn't feel comfortable. I often meet people who are younger than me who are more confident and comfortable and sometimes they treat me like I'm younger than them, it's a horrible feeling. Today I was feeling very tired and hungry and thought how great it'd be to have fish and chips and I remembered how my dad or mum would always go out to buy the family fish and chips for special tea times and how cosy it felt. It's difficult having to look after myself completely, I feel very tired and like I'm always having to do a lot. I would love a partner to create a new life with but I've been single for several years and I found online dating depressing and exhausting so for now I'm single.

    Are you able to talk to your partner about how you feel? Maybe he can help. It sounds like you need to create the feeling of a family yourself now, ie maybe you could become the person who bakes and makes a cosy home like your mother did? That seems to help me, the idea of creating a life for myself that is cosy and happy and healthy and where I incorporate the aspects of the family of origin into my daily life and leave behind the dysfunctional elements. So I try to do things like make sure the washing up is done, make sure I eat nice healthy food that makes me feel good and nourished with occasional treats, making sure the house is clean, tidy and uncluttered etc. That definitely helps me to feel better.
     
    KateIsNotOkay likes this.