My brother tj passed away June 17th suddenly I am 29 he was 26. I had moved to Florida a while to get away from my toxic family. I’m the oldest out of 5 always been the mother to all my siblings. Me and my brother tj being the closest. I took custody of my two younger brothers Jesse and Parker when they were 13 and 14 and now I have my two year old nephew who is my sisters kid. My mom and sister have been off and on meth. Tj and me grew up practically being twins we went through all the same stuff together survived our abusive and unstable childhood and I thought we made it. Until I get that call. My brother tj has had been in and out of jail many times just making inmatture choices really. About two years ago he got out and met a girl with kids and he settled down and married a year later she cheats on him and leaves him. He was heartbroken and unfortunately went to my moms- whose not a mom more of a friend that ya know does drugs with you even her own kids. My mom and sister are hooked off and on meth. So he started using kind of lost himself not even a few months into it he lost himself. He started hanging out with the wrong people. He ends up back in jail. He’s there for one month gets out and three days later dies. I talked to him the day he got out begged him to be smart it was a good convo he promised me he would and told me he loved me.We are still waiting for the autopsy we do know that he had meth in his system but he also had pneumonia and the doctor believes he might have had something else in his system as well. Those are answers I don’t know still. I flew down two hours after I found out and two days later I seen my brother dead on a table. The first person I ever lost and it had to be the person I was closest to in my whole life. My brother was the kind of person that could make any one laugh and he always had a smile ear to ear. I know everyone says that about loved ones but he was a true comedian. We fought like no other believe me but we loved even harder. My brother was a good person. Everyone loved him. He just got lost. I have no doubt if he was still here he would have pulled himself together and figured it out. He’s not like my mom or sister. Luckily my family let me plan all the arrangements and keep his ashes.. they didn’t argue with me or fight me at all I think both of my parents just knew he deserved to be with me after all I was there for him more than they ever were. I gave my mom a little bit of extra ashes they had set back for jewelry etc (the ones not in his urn) and now I found out she’s given them to random people irrelevant in his life even the ex who shattered his heart. So pieces of my brother are just everywhere. I’ve been dealing with a lot of guilt lately i see myself doing every day things and then bam it hits me my brother is gone he’s never going to message call or show up again and I feel bad how did I forget for that one second that he wasn’t here how am I continuing life at all with half of me gone? Will I still remember all these memories in 20+ years as vivid as I do now considering I haven’t live half my life? Will I ever see him again? These are constant thoughts running through my head daily. I can’t sleep. Sometimes I’m up till 4 am trying to fall asleep but can’t. My anxiety has always been horrible but now... it’s a million times worse. Anything can happen at any moment. I pick at my lips and nails so bad they bleed. No one seems to even care my brother is gone anymore no one bothers to ask if I’m ok. I guess after a month they expect you to move on. Is this normal to have these thoughts and fear constantly 4 months after?