My brother is gone...forever

Discussion in 'Loss of Sibling' started by Cassey, Oct 12, 2018.

  1. Cassey

    Cassey New Member

    My brother tj passed away June 17th suddenly I am 29 he was 26. I had moved to Florida a while to get away from my toxic family. I’m the oldest out of 5 always been the mother to all my siblings. Me and my brother tj being the closest. I took custody of my two younger brothers Jesse and Parker when they were 13 and 14 and now I have my two year old nephew who is my sisters kid. My mom and sister have been off and on meth. Tj and me grew up practically being twins we went through all the same stuff together survived our abusive and unstable childhood and I thought we made it. Until I get that call. My brother tj has had been in and out of jail many times just making inmatture choices really. About two years ago he got out and met a girl with kids and he settled down and married a year later she cheats on him and leaves him. He was heartbroken and unfortunately went to my moms- whose not a mom more of a friend that ya know does drugs with you even her own kids. My mom and sister are hooked off and on meth. So he started using kind of lost himself not even a few months into it he lost himself. He started hanging out with the wrong people. He ends up back in jail. He’s there for one month gets out and three days later dies. I talked to him the day he got out begged him to be smart it was a good convo he promised me he would and told me he loved me.We are still waiting for the autopsy we do know that he had meth in his system but he also had pneumonia and the doctor believes he might have had something else in his system as well. Those are answers I don’t know still. I flew down two hours after I found out and two days later I seen my brother dead on a table. The first person I ever lost and it had to be the person I was closest to in my whole life. My brother was the kind of person that could make any one laugh and he always had a smile ear to ear. I know everyone says that about loved ones but he was a true comedian. We fought like no other believe me but we loved even harder. My brother was a good person. Everyone loved him. He just got lost. I have no doubt if he was still here he would have pulled himself together and figured it out. He’s not like my mom or sister. Luckily my family let me plan all the arrangements and keep his ashes.. they didn’t argue with me or fight me at all I think both of my parents just knew he deserved to be with me after all I was there for him more than they ever were. I gave my mom a little bit of extra ashes they had set back for jewelry etc (the ones not in his urn) and now I found out she’s given them to random people irrelevant in his life even the ex who shattered his heart. So pieces of my brother are just everywhere. I’ve been dealing with a lot of guilt lately i see myself doing every day things and then bam it hits me my brother is gone he’s never going to message call or show up again and I feel bad how did I forget for that one second that he wasn’t here how am I continuing life at all with half of me gone? Will I still remember all these memories in 20+ years as vivid as I do now considering I haven’t live half my life? Will I ever see him again? These are constant thoughts running through my head daily. I can’t sleep. Sometimes I’m up till 4 am trying to fall asleep but can’t. My anxiety has always been horrible but now... it’s a million times worse. Anything can happen at any moment. I pick at my lips and nails so bad they bleed. No one seems to even care my brother is gone anymore no one bothers to ask if I’m ok. I guess after a month they expect you to move on. Is this normal to have these thoughts and fear constantly 4 months after?
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Cassey, I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. The scope of what's "normal" in grief is so broad, that I think just about every feeling and reaction that a person can have is normal. To others, it's been 4 months. But to the griever, 4 months is no time at all - especially a sudden loss, when there was simply no time to prepare. The shock and disbelief can last in a sudden loss much much longer, and for a lot of people the reality doesn't even begin to sink in until a few months time has passed. And then there's the questions and the pain this type of loss can leave behind. It's not uncommon to feel anxious after loss- let's face it, everything we thought we knew and understood about life has been suddenly altered and it can make us distrust everything we thought we could count on. I'm glad you are reaching out for help and I truly hope this site can bring you some comfort. We're here to help~
     
  3. Missmyangels

    Missmyangels Active Member

    Hi Cassey.. I too lost my brother unexpectedly on September 23rd.. I was so upset when I heard the news.. My dad told me, so he knew it before me.. I miss him so much, and I hope I will see him again soon, because he was my only brother, and my only sibling..

    Stay strong Cassey, you are now in my thoughts.
     
  4. Lola356

    Lola356 New Member

    Cassey,
    I'm sorry about your brother. I understand how you feel. My 16 yr brother passed away from seizures just 17 months after my older sister passed away. Each death had affected me differently. My brother seemed the hardest but I believe it was because I raised him. The bond between us was the greatest thing to come out of my horrible life. But when I was told about my baby brother, I couldn't breathe. Then this scream was emmitting from me. I cannot piece everything that happened between the news and getting on a flight. I remember instances where I'm hysterical in the shower but don't have the energy to wash. I'm under the water. After his death, it took awhile for memories to start popping up. I believe the pain was too unbearable for my memory. I was also angry for awhile how life just moves on and everyone is picking up their pieces and I'm here hurting. My thought was my brother is not with me how can everyone be so happy and I'm dying on the inside. Or how is this fair? I believe time does not heal all wounds it is just like insulin shots you still have the wound but you've become numb to the pain of the shot. Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Keep swimming in life's roughest seas.