my boyfriend shut himself two feet away from me

His name was devin. i was with him for a little over two years. i met him at the end of my junior year and i fell in love with him so fast. he felt so familiar and i was just so comfortable around him. our relationship was rocky because we both struggled with mental health and neither of us was very good at expressing emotions/ communication. we both hurt eachother many times but you could tell there was so much love between us. i did everything i possibly could for him he meant the world to me. he had substance abuse problems so that cause a lot of problems between the two of us. he was trying to get clean off heroine and fentanyl and i had quit my job so i could take care of him while the withdrawals were beating his ass but he would go out and do it behind my back. 3 months prior to his suicide his mother had over dosed. 2 weeks before he did it he had just turned 20. he had so much more living to do and it’s hurts that he was ripped away so soon right in front of my eyes. he did it july 29th around 930 pm. earlier in that day he had taken xanax. if you have someone you love who abuses substances then you know how nasty people can get when they take xanax. we had been fine all day it was going great we hung out with some friends i cooked for him we watched anime and it was pretty chill all in all. so after he eats he goes in to take a nap yk because he’s barred out and didn’t want his grandma to see. i follow him in after i clean up and he’s out cold taking up the whole twin mattress that we shared. he was always more then happy to lay with me and hold me while we slept but he hit at me in his sleep. at this point i had such a horrible headache my brain felt like it was pulsating. so i made myself a bed with towels and hoodies on the floor and passed out. i have no idea how much time passed idk when i fell asleep but i woke up and he kicked me awake mad as fuck. he told me to get up and started to pick and argument with me. he was still high and he started going off saying that i stole the keys he even patted me down, they were still in the car because we left them there but he wouldn’t listen so it turned into a huge argument and i still had that awful headache. so i started ignoring him because i was hoping if i just shut my mouth he would calm down and when he came down we could then at least attempt at talking things out or he would check the car for the keys or something idk. but that didn’t work. at all. he was struggling a lot with his mental health so he had threatened suicide before, i’ve walked into him trying to hang himself or writing letters and we were talking together about him going somewhere to get help because i couldn’t give him the help he needed. he would have very severe panic attacks when he was absolutely disoriented and many other things. anyway, he threatened it and he had bought an illegal small 380 gun about maybe a month or a few weeks before against my wishes after his grandma gave him the money knowing exactly what he was getting. so i started giving him the silent treatment hoping everything would calm down and he looks at me mad and he picks up the gun and demands me to answer. which i didn’t because i’m stubborn. he cocked the gun back and loaded it with a bullet. a full metal jacket cop killing bullet. he demanded me to answer again and i went and looked down at my phone trying to prove my stupid fucking point. he put the gun to his temple and demanded it one more time and just as i was taking a breath to say something just before i lifted my head to look up at him and respond he pulled the trigger. all i heard was the loudest bang i’ve ever heard in my entire life and my right ear rang so loud i was disoriented for 5 seconds and everything was spinning and i looked down to the floor and his body was laying on a pile of out laundry blank face bleeding out so i had to grab a towel that we had used to take a shower together earlier that day to cover the bullet wound to hopefully keep him from bleeding out until paramedics arrived and so his grandma didn’t come in and see it. i was on the phone with paramedics in absolute fucking hysterics and it felt like they took forever. and there’s so much more fucked uo aspects to this story i could go on and on and on. when i went to go pick up my things from his house a week or 2 after the fact his blood stain was still there but my friends wouldn’t let me go in the room but i saw her coke out sobbing after seeing it. and i got back to my friends house where i had been staying on the couch going through all of my things to find something and i found one of my plain black t-shirts’ covered in his blood. i guess his grandma didn’t realize it and just threw it in the bag and i know it’s kinda gross or unsanitary to keep the shirt covered in blood but i can’t bring myself to wash it or get rid of it. it’s his last piece of dna something that was really part of him and not just some tshirt. i miss him so much everyday and i know i should be angry because of the way things happened but i’m not mad. at all. if i could take someone else’s life to bring him back even though it’s fucked up i would. his organs saved 5 people and i hate saying this but idgaf about those 5 people. i would rather just have him. i miss holding him and i miss being held by him. he was so safe and so comfortable. i know this story doesn’t make him sound great but he was amazing. he was always there for me when i did open up and he’s been through some of the worst things i’ve went through he was there right after i got placed into foster care and he was there when i cried because i couldn’t see my sisters anymore. he was always there and i took it for granted. i miss him so much. i wish i could push a reset button and answer him, maybe it wouldn’t have happened. it’s so hard not to blame myself even though everyone in my life keeps telling me it’s not my fault i feel like i should’ve done things differently like i could’ve changed it. i should’ve forced him into rehab or something. i could’ve done more. i will never stop seeing this for the rest of my life and i will never not feel guilty. i will never forget him and i will never stop loving him.

 

My dearest girl,
You are so young to have gone through so much. I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend and for the terrible circumstances surrounding his death. Our 28 year old son committed suicide also. I was the one who found him.
Everyone telling you it was not your fault doesn't help much at all, does it.
After suicide we go through so many scenarios in our mind about what we should have done or should not have done so that this terrible thing could be changed back to life again. It is our mind's attempt to bring this person we loved so much back again. Unfortunately it is not within our power to change it. Someone asked me if I knew what this whole thing was about. I said no. He said it was all about forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for the mistakes you think you made, forgiving his mother, forgiving your grandmother for giving him the money-you could probably add more to the list of people who have hurt you or him. But you must forgive yourself first in order to go on. Our mind can only take so much of being blamed, even if it ourselves doing the blaming, it can drive you crazy.
You have been hurt so many times. There is hope in God. He is the only one who can comfort you and bring you through such a terrible tragedy. God's love is pure. He does not have any motives for hurting you, damaging you, abusing you, 'using' you, but only healing you. This will take time. A walk of grief, especially after a suicide, is a difficult walk. It takes a lot of determination to keep going.

I am here for you. Express your true honest feelings like you already have when you feel led to do so. It can help you to think this thing through and maybe something someone says in reply might help a little. Don't forget how much God loves you. He gave his life on the cross after much suffering so that you could be forgiven of your sins and so that you could call directly on God for help in times of disaster.
I love you and hope to hear back from you soon,
Chris