My adult, autistic, diabetic son....

Discussion in 'Loss of Adult Child' started by Dux, Oct 17, 2018.

  1. Dux

    Dux New Member

    My only child died on April 16th of this year (2018). He was my whole purpose in life. We lost his dad is 1998 and we were a team. He was 36 but maintained an emotional age of about ten or twelve. He died of complications from diabetes ( kidney failure ) here at home. Hospice arranged us drugs and phone numbers, but not much else. I spent his last week taking care of him like I always had....
    and then he was gone.
    Now I have nothing. I had to get a low paying job to try to pay the bills, but it isn't enough money to actually do that. I worry all the time. Then, when I go to sleep, I have dreams. I dream several times a week of having to help him call in hospice. Of explaining that this means he is going to die. Of trying to explain that I don't know what will happen next. I wake up not realizing that it was all another dream and , on one occasion, picked up the phone to call in to work because my son was going to die today. I don't have any real purpose any more. I have family but they don't understand and avoid me because they don't know what to say. I can't afford a doctor and I don't know what to do now.
    I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I just miss my guy so much.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Dux, I'm so sorry for all your losses and for the suffering it has brought to you. It can feel especially hopeless when our support system is limited, and while you already had to adjust to so much change following the loss of your husband, you are once again seeing your world turned upside down without your son. It's the thing we may not often recognize in grief - that we face in its aftermath not just the void of someone we have lost, but all the changes this new life brings. Changes we never wanted and never asked for. It takes time, so much more time then we could ever imagine and most don't have the patience or the desire to move forward and see what comes next. Sometimes all we can do is focus on getting one foot in front of the other, of doing only what needs to be done today, and then doing the same thing again tomorrow. It's overly simple advice, and perhaps even cliched, but at some points in our grieving it may just be the only choice we have. Focus on today, on this moment. What needs to be done, what would you like to accomplish, and be certain to carve out even a little bit of time for yourself and to rest. Grieving is exhausting and we need all the energy we can to get through each day. We have a wonderful and caring community of grievers here and I'm hoping you can find the support and comfort you need. Please take care...I wish you hope and healing in the days ahead~
  3. Mary Steele

    Mary Steele New Member

    I totally understand. I lost my beloved foster daughter. She was just 38. She had Leighs syndrome. She was developmentally disabled but so pretty. Her death was from complications of too many infections that her poor little body could no longer fight. I so wish she could have been home to die but my husband and son could not handle it so she was in the hospital. Like you, sometimes I feel like she is calling for me and I often wake in the night thinking I need to go see if Cindi is okay but she is not in there. Or I wake in the morning and think I need to hurry up and get to the hospital. I was at the hospital with her for fourteen hours a day for the five weeks she was there before her death. Twice I have driven there on auto pilot and parked before I realized I did not belong there anymore. Like you I wonder now what my purpose in life is. I have a husband, two adult sons, three other foster children/adults but Cindi was my light, my joy. She came to me at 18 weighing barely sixty pounds and looking like a barbie doll. Unlike you I have no money issues but it doesn't help. Nothing seems to interest me. You sound like you were a very loving mother. Have you considered becoming a foster Mom to another boy like your son who needs a loving home? I don't know where you live but in most states you would get paid far more than whatever low paying job you are currently trying to live on and it would give your life purpose.