My only child died on April 16th of this year (2018). He was my whole purpose in life. We lost his dad is 1998 and we were a team. He was 36 but maintained an emotional age of about ten or twelve. He died of complications from diabetes ( kidney failure ) here at home. Hospice arranged us drugs and phone numbers, but not much else. I spent his last week taking care of him like I always had.... and then he was gone. Now I have nothing. I had to get a low paying job to try to pay the bills, but it isn't enough money to actually do that. I worry all the time. Then, when I go to sleep, I have dreams. I dream several times a week of having to help him call in hospice. Of explaining that this means he is going to die. Of trying to explain that I don't know what will happen next. I wake up not realizing that it was all another dream and , on one occasion, picked up the phone to call in to work because my son was going to die today. I don't have any real purpose any more. I have family but they don't understand and avoid me because they don't know what to say. I can't afford a doctor and I don't know what to do now. I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I just miss my guy so much.