My 2nd loss

I am 41 years old. I lost my first fiancee and both my children's father 9 years ago on March 29,2010.
2 years later I made a pass at a friend of a friend.....I was only interested in a friend's with benefits kind of situation, well that didn't work out and we fell in love. Bill just passed away after 13 month battle with glioblastoma brain cancer on April 1,2019. We got engaged in February 2017, he got diagnosed February 2018 and we never got married. He signed everything over to me in terms of advanced directive, POA and a living will, leaving me his 1984 bronco and gun collection, no life insurance policy or anything fancy. I had to take 2 jobs just to pay our mortgage and make ends meet and it was a blessing coming home to him every single day. 2 to 3 day a week Dr. visits and chemo and radiation became our new norm, if I had to do it all over again knowing the outcome would still be the same.....I'd do it in a heartbeat. I was blessed to be there for him as he took his last breath and up until the very end I ran the show. I didn't allow hospice to administer any pain medication as he was able to tell the nurse 2 days before he passed he was not in any pain, nor did he believe in taking pain meds. The night before he passed when his breathing started like that of a fish out of water I removed his nasal feeding tube and began to make him comfortable, I administered 5 mg cannabis oil that night and the next morning another 5 mg. He passed away to his friend praying the rosary and Bob Dylan's knocking on heaven's door in the background. Compared to the way my first one died in the same house in the room right next door this was peaceful and loving. I miss him terribly as this past Saturday May 4th was his celebration of life. The love I shared with this man who was 15 years older than me was a love I had never experienced before nor do I think I ever will again. Before he got really sick towards the end he told me he wanted me to find love again because in the end it wouldn't matter, he wanted me happy while I was here on earth and when my time came he said he'd be there to snatch me up. As weird as it may be for some it was comforting to me. Today I moved my 3 rings from my left hand to my right hand.

 

liliana, i hope you find comfort in knowing that you were with him when he died and he left you knowing that he was loved , unfortunatly i didn't get a chance to comfort my husband or be with him in his final moments when he died suddenly and unexpectedly, I wish i had the chance to just tell him a quick i love you but i didn't and i'm tortured by it every day, i tell him out loud everyday and before i go to bed that i miss him and love him and i hope he hears me. you were a treasure to him and i'm very sure he'd want you to be happy. i hope things get better for you from now on.