After six years, I can finally say I have managed to create my first healthy relationship since the death of my father. When he killed himself, I was determined to not let it define me (..or him). I was 23 years old and certain that no one would want to be with the person this would surely have me become, no one wants to be around the sad girl who cries all the time, I would have to become something else. While I forged through the darkness, wrongfully assuming I was walking through the fires of grief, I had created a fallacy, an avatar almost, with a shattered little girl trapped inside. I suddenly had more boyfriends than I ever had before and as quickly as we met, they would no sooner be replaced by someone else. I would surely find something wrong or something better. Until I met him. My now fiancé and I spent many of nights- me pretending I was over it and him certain we had something good, worth fighting for. If it hadn't been for him, I surely would have continued running. I didn't realize how tired or taxing it was, until I stopped. And then, the real work began. But suddenly, I didn't feel so alone. While I cannot say all is good, and I will never, ever move on, I do feel like I am finally moving forward. As the wedding day approaches, quicker than I can even catch my breath, I struggle with the reality of not having my dad there. My super hero to say all the right things- words of advice, an inappropriate joke, and a kiss on the forehead. To have to ask someone to take his place, to put my older brother into the shoes of a giant he never wished to fill, is something I just cannot seem to do. While I do believe I have come so far, I am only reminded of how much farther there is to go. If anyone, has any advice on how in the world to get me down this aisle in one piece I truly will be forever indebted to you.
Hi Annie. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!! I was lucky to have my father walk me down the aisle the first time I got married, but I, unfortunately, was not marrying the love of my life. I got remarried last summer in OC, Maryland on the beach, and my son walked me down the aisle, which was wonderful, but I missed my dad so much! My dad passed away in September of 2014, and my mom passed away almost a year later. She had Alzheimer's and could not be there either. I wish I had the perfect words for you, but here are some thoughts. I was lucky to have a close relationship with both of my parents and I loved them dearly- although we had our moments! Griefic had said about parents being our first loves and I think it is so true. I wrote this earlier today, but it hurts that much more when you lose a parent that you were beyond close to. Please know that you are not alone. It sounds like you have an amazing fiancé, soon to be husband, who loves and supports you, which is so crucial and special. My dad used to make window mirrors, which we included as decoration in our ceremony. We also included some bible verses dedicated to both of my parents. Please do not think this is lame, but your dad would want you to be happy! Are there ways that you could include him in the ceremony? I am teary-eyed as I write this... It is awesome if your brother could walk you down the aisle,,, can you do something to again, show tribute, love, and honor to your dad as your brother gives you away? You probably thought of these ideas already... but a few more thoughts... if the worse case scenario is that you are emotional and feel that you are falling apart down the aisle- it is okay!!!!! People will love, respect, and support you! I was 46 when I lost my dad. You are much younger, and I wish no one ever had to lose a parent at a young age. I am almost fifty, and I still struggle with the loss of both of my parents. Please don't feel like you ever have to apologize for your emotions. I am still learning this. I am so very happy for you and know that your wedding will be wonderful! Wonderful comes in so many ways... even if things are not "perfect", they still will be wonderful!
Melanie, your words are so kind. Not to sound corny myself, but reading this really felt like the hug I didn't know I needed. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of both your parents- but I do truly believe in what you said. They would only want us to be happy. And, we are probably the ones hardest on ourselves for our emotions. No one else will be as worried as I am, even if I do cry every step down the aisle. It must have been so beautiful to have your son walk you down the aisle when you married the love of your life. And, truly, I am so lucky to have my older brother. He is a super human, as well. If only I could just get the words out. Wonderful does come in so many ways, and I just have to be ready to accept a different kind of wonderful (than maybe what I originally anticipated). And including him in different ways is an awesome idea! I will have to start thinking of different ways of incorporating him.
