I lost my friend back in 2010. Muscular distrophy. He was not supposed to live past 18 and yet he made it to 29. I was 21. I have never before or since experience anything more devestating. He was more than my friend. He was my safe place and my very first, almost, love. His death came as a deep, deep blow. It was expected, but not so soon. That Wednesday morning I was on my way to tell him that I loved him the way he had loved me for many years. I can still remember the phone ringing and the deafening sound of my mother's cries and as the broken pieces of my heart fell into the deepest pit. I have since gotten married and became the mother of two beautiful children. What saddens me now is that I am not able to move past my regrets and all the what if's. I am not able to fully love this man that has become my husband and as a result am not the wife that he deserves. I want to love him as I ought to but secretly I am pitting him against my friend, and my friend always wins. I do not know how to let go. I do not know how to live with this loss and yet embrace all that I do have now. I owe my husband and children. I owe it to myself as well.