Mourning in secret

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Predele, Mar 9, 2019.

  1. Predele

    Predele New Member

    I lost my friend back in 2010. Muscular distrophy. He was not supposed to live past 18 and yet he made it to 29. I was 21.

    I have never before or since experience anything more devestating. He was more than my friend. He was my safe place and my very first, almost, love. His death came as a deep, deep blow. It was expected, but not so soon. That Wednesday morning I was on my way to tell him that I loved him the way he had loved me for many years. I can still remember the phone ringing and the deafening sound of my mother's cries and as the broken pieces of my heart fell into the deepest pit.

    I have since gotten married and became the mother of two beautiful children.

    What saddens me now is that I am not able to move past my regrets and all the what if's. I am not able to fully love this man that has become my husband and as a result am not the wife that he deserves. I want to love him as I ought to but secretly I am pitting him against my friend, and my friend always wins. I do not know how to let go. I do not know how to live with this loss and yet embrace all that I do have now.

    I owe my husband and children. I owe it to myself as well.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Predele, I am so very sorry for your loss. This is not an easy topic and I'm so glad you feel you could share it with us.
    Your friend sounds like a wonderful person and I can see what a special place he will always hold in your heart.
    However, it seems that your feelings for him could be negatively impacting your marriage and life with your family so it does seem a good idea to address it.
    As I read your post I couldn't help but think how difficult it is for a living breathing person -with all their faults and flaws and annoying habits- to compete with a person who is gone. Of course he will always win because reality simply can not compete with an idealized version of another.
    The fact is, no matter who we share a life with we ultimately share all the same burdens you do with your husband - the groceries, and the laundry and the schedules and the childcare and the taxes and the extended family - and all of those things that dull the sparkle from any early romance.
    If you are committed to stay with your husband in the way I think you are and want to be, than you may want to consider that if your time and attention is being given more to the people of the past than your present, it may be time to reconsider a change.
    Trying turning your attention to the present, to the people you have, and to focus on all they have to offer to you each and every day. Ease off on the comparisons, and give your husband a fair shot to be the man you would want him to be.
    I thank you for being here with us and hope we can offer you support and understanding. We're here to help~