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Mother’s Day

Discussion in 'Life After Caregiving' started by Sgrass222, May 10, 2020.

  1. Sgrass222

    Sgrass222 New Member

    My mother lived with me for the last 8 years. She was on dialysis for 5 of those years and I was her primary care giver. My mom and I were very close. Even though she had quite a few health issues, it was a surprise when she passed away. When she was in the hospital for her final days, I had to watch her slip away each day until she passed. Today is the first Mother’s Day without her and that saddens me. Since she passed, I’ve felt lost because she was my world. We went to the drs together, I took her to dialysis 3 times a week. I feel like I have no purpose. I do have 2 kids 25 and 16. I love them with all my heart. I should think of them as my purpose, and I’m trying. It’d just hard with all this grief.
     
  2. TexGal

    TexGal Member

    Hi Sgrass222,. I'm sorry you're hurting. I can relate to alot of that. My mom was my world too. No purpose now...just taking care of me. Need help with that even. I have 3 grown sons and a daughter in law. My youngest helps me, but we don't get along well, mostly.
     
  3. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Sgrass, so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. I too was the primary caregiver for mom. I took her to/from dialysis 3 times a week. I made sure 'Meal on Wheels' came each day for her. I fed her cats. I sat and talked with her for hours. Mom's first husband was killed on DDay in Normandy in World War 2. During the war she met my father and married, also a naval hero with many campaigns. We shared so many personal stories, all of which were enlightening to how her life shaped her.

    I understand, Mother's Day is hard to face. When we are especially close to our parents their loss breaks our heart into pieces. But, I hope you had many days with your mom talking of so many memories. Things that were special to her. Things that made her sad, and in short how life was for her.

    Mom would tell me how lonely the war days were. How each day as it came time for the mailman to come, when you had a loved one away in the war, your heart was always in your throat. During those times she lived with her parents. The day the letter came she said she collapsed in total sorrow on the floor. As I saw mom with tears streaming down her face I reached and grabbed and held her and kissed her. Those days she would tell me were a special horror, as the television and radio and newspaper were filled with so many stories of loss and sadness, and when it finally came knocking at her door her life was shattered for the longest time.

    She would tell me how she was pregnant with my step-brother and had to face how his life would become, one of loss with no father. How she would raise him? How one day she would talk of his father to him. Each time as Veterans Day comes I think of my step-brother Henry and how sad he will be. I was raised in a family with a strong military background.

    I also have two sisters, and we are closer today because of losses, and I have two sons, who have faced the loss of their mother to cancer, along with me. So yes grief can smother our heart. Tears can be unending as we think back, but to me, that is ok, as those special memories will always be with me, and they will be with you forever for your fiance and all that he meant to you. You take care of yourself. Take time slowly. Cherish those good days, and never forget to reach out when you feel so lost and lonely, or just need someone to talk with. All of us have seen loss and shed an ocean of precious tears and will continue to do so in our lives.

    Peace be with you.

    -david

    I wish to share this special song with you, one of love

     
  4. Sgrass222

    Sgrass222 New Member

    If you need support, we can support each other. Yesterday was pretty rough. Did your mom live with you? Mine did and I still haven’t cleaned out her room. After she passed I had to clean out her storage unit right away because it was expensive. I actually fell and broke my foot the day of the funeral. Actually I broke it at the church. I hope you’re doing well today.
     
  5. Sgrass222

    Sgrass222 New Member

    My mother and father were divorced when I was 2. I have a sister and a brother. She was a single mom raising 3 kids. I didn’t really have much of a relationship with my dad. He missed all of our major milestones. My mom always had to beg for child support. The one thing she never did was speak badly of him. If any of us expressed anger towards him she would always say “now now, he’s your father”. He passed away in 2000. He was only 59 years old. I couldn’t even go to his funeral because of his wife (my step mother.). I can say she pretty much hated us.

    My mom took on the role of mother and father. She never remarried which was unfortunate. I actually used to get her Mother’s Day and Father’s Day gifts.

    We went from a 6 person household to a 3 person household. Right after my mother passed, my mother in law chose to live in a nursing home. Plus my daughter moved out on her own. We haven’t been able to see my mother in law in 2 months because of covid.

    My mother actually had a double bipass when she was 53. After that she really wasn’t quite the same. She went through a depression. As she got older I had her move in with me. I helped her with all her medical needs without my sisters help. We’re really aren’t close anymore. I haven’t seen her since the funeral.

    I actually broke my foot at the funeral. I fell outside the church.

    Thank you for sharing your story with me.

    If you want talk please feel free to message me.
     
  6. TexGal

    TexGal Member

    Hello again. Sorry about your foot...last thing you needed, right? I actually lived with my mom. First I took care of Dad when he became ill. He passed in 2008. I moved in with Mom a year later. She became ill in 2010, recovered pretty well but needed more help. In 2014 another illness which she never quite recovered from. Also, she had progressing memory and cognitive issues. I had to handle a lot. Actually, I did little else besides her care and running the household. Whenever family would visit I had to meet her expectations re: meals for them, etc. I just wasn't up to "being her" but felt I had to try. Very stressful. I was her secretary, bookkeeper, chauffer, cook, housekeeper, nurse, companion and daughter for many years, neglecting much else, even my own health and relationships with my children. Only way I could cope. So much to say, it would take a book. Meant to keep this short, lol. Hope your day is a better one..."better" is good! If not, hang in.
     
    Lindak68 likes this.
  7. Lindak68

    Lindak68 New Member

     
  8. Lindak68

    Lindak68 New Member

    Hello TexGal, I am new to this site and am so happy to have finally found a way to communicate with other caregivers who are dealing with loss. I can relate to much of what you wrote. I lived with my mother for ten years as her health began to decline. During the last three I was with her 27/7 because she could not be left alone for very long and eventually not at all. Although it was extremely stressful at times and exhausting, she left us on May 17. I find I miss her more as time passes and the loss becomes more real. I thank God for better memories as we grew closer as her illness progressed, those are the ones on which I can choose to focus. Now it is time to find myself again. I am finding that to be harder than I expected.
     
  9. Lindak68

    Lindak68 New Member

     
  10. Lindak68

    Lindak68 New Member

    Hello Sgass222, I am new to this site and am so happy to have finally found a way to communicate with other caregivers who are dealing with loss. I lived with my mother for ten years as her health began to decline. During the last three I was with her 24/7 because she could not be left alone for very long and eventually not at all. Although it was extremely stressful at times and exhausting, I feel very alone since she left us on May 17. I find I miss her more as time passes and the loss becomes more real. I thank God that we grew closer as her illness progressed. She went peacefully in our home as my sister and I sat with her. Even when we know the time is drawing near, I believe it is a shock when it actually happens. My father passed without warning when I was in eighth grade and my step-father lingered in a coma for two week after a ceberal hemmorage.

    Now it is time to find myself again. I, too, am finding that to be harder to do than I expected, so, I know what you mean. I keep reminding myself that grieving is a process that is different for everyone. I think that it may be harder for caregivers because of the the time we spend with our loved one and the various emotions we experience, as well as the physical and emotion strain we experience. I am sure your children want to help you through this. Hopefully the three of you can share many memories that will help you heal together. Take care of yourself.