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more than 3 years...still lost

Discussion in 'LGBT Loss' started by pavika, Mar 14, 2020.

  1. pavika

    pavika Member

    I lost my best friend 3.5 years ago. we met in high school and were together for 18 years. We could never be open about our love. She was married for 10 years and had a son. In spite of this our love was strong and genuine. This selfless pure love comes once in a lifetime. Now that i have lost her my world has changed...i dont know who i am and what i want from life.
    All i have is regrets...
    The worst part is that i cannot talk to anyone about this here. no one will be able to understand my loss. For them she was just my "best friend" but for me the love of my life...my support system...everything

    I don't have friends (she was my person. never felt the need for anyone else) and each time i even think of going out there to make new connections i just dont have the motivation for it. Feel very lonely at times but still cannot bring myself to do anything about it.
     
    skies24 likes this.
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Pavika, If you ever need a person to speak to, we have a conversation on the top right, start one with me I will talk in private to you.

    I know it must be very hard to lose someone special, the love of your life. Words do no justice to describe your loss.

    Having to be secretive about love is awful, our society can be so unforgiven at times. Self doubts are natural after loss. You need to have faith in yourself, and trust your judgement. Not everyone is open minded, that too is just human nature. But when it comes to love, love is a beautiful natural thing.

    Please don’t ever feel like you can’t talk about your love for another. We all are only human, please just remember love is not a mistake. When it comes to love, it is not something you should feel you have to hide from others.

    Sure there will be those who can't accept who you are for one reason or another. But that is life. We can’t be all things to everyone.

    Even though you believe others are unable to understand your love for each other, love is love, and people understand loving another. Having doubt as you do is not healthy. You have to believe that people can grasp what you had was true love.

    When my wife Nadine, of 42 years died of cancer, her last ten years were slow and agonizing for her. We slowly watched her wither away. I was troubled after her death, and felt others were just going through the motions of saying they were sorry.

    But the reality was, I had not yet accepted her loss, and was unable to cope with it and overcome the grief that I had. Finally one day my pain seemed to subside and all but disappeared. Sure, I still think of her, I still miss her, but I can handle her loss so much better now.

    You need to express your feelings of your loss. You need to be open to friendship. You also need to have faith that not everyone is close minded.

    Peace be with you tonight. Keep reaching out. This grief you have is real and can consume you if you are not careful.

    -david
     
  3. pavika

    pavika Member

    David, thank you for your message. I am sorry to hear about your wife. I can imagine the suffering for you. My friend also suffered for about 2.5 years with lung TB. She was 36 when she passed. She was getting better and her death was a huge shock as there was no medical indication that this could happen. I had met her a week before as i was out of town. Got back on a friday but did not go to see her that day. On saturday she asked me not to come as she was feeling unwell and then Sunday early morning i got the call. This is a huge regret for me that i did not go to meet her those last 2 days. She always used to tell me that seeing me makes her happy. I cant help but think that if i was not travelling that week and if i had met her after coming back would that have made any difference at all? Maybe i could have done something...forced her to see the doctor or anything...still think about it all.
    I watched her suffer for 2.5 years and tried to comfort her whenever i was with her but i find myself often thinking if i did enough or could have done more to save her...so much love but could not do anything for her...now i am scared to love...just dont understand the point of it anymore...i am lonely but i dont know why i cannot bring myself to approach people for friendship even.
    You are the first person with whom i am talking about all this. In my country this is something that i cannot discuss with anyone in person.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Pavika, Losing someone we love is hard to overcome. You should not blame yourself for not being there. Life can be so unforgiven, as life is beyond anyone's control.

    I found myself trying to figure out how to move forward with life after Nadine was no longer with me. I tried so many things. I was unable to speak to so many, because they had moved on, and so I found myself alone, even with family around.

    It wasn’t until I was finally able to open up and talk that I started to feel better inside. Sure, I didn’t get all the answers I wanted, but by talking and releasing those feelings I started to heal, slowly at first, even not realizing it.

    I found that I wanted to speak more, and put in print how I felt. The one thing I came to realize that was important is this - that loss - it was mine and mine alone - sure others who have experienced loss can understand so much better and they can help you facilitate your opening up.

    But that pain is yours, mine and others, we own it, we live with it, we go to sleep with it, and the longer we keep it with us, the longer it will take to feel better. The first thing you need to do is start to release that hurt that has a grip on you. By opening up, by talking about it you can find peace within you once again.

    The first person you have to love is yourself. Once you admit that you can work to make yourself better. Being unable to talk as you mention is awful. I do hope you will continue to talk and reach out. As they say, if you can’t do that at home then do it somewhere else, as you must feel safe to speak frankly.

    Please just take those steps slowly. Life is too important to give up on it. I hope peace of mind will start to come to you.

    -david
     
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  5. MayT

    MayT Active Member

    Hello Pavika. I can imagine how you feel. I, too, am from a country that does not accept relationships like ours. My relationship with my partner lasted almost 38 years until her death less than 3 months ago. She was married with children for several years than became a widow. Through all that time, to our friends and family, I was her best friend. I even bought a house right beside hers so we would not be far apart. And yet, all that time we could tell no one. When she died, I could not grieve in public. I have no one to talk to and share my grief until now. Sites like these help a lot. I feel less alone and it allows me to express what I cannot say out loud.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  6. pavika

    pavika Member

    David, thank you for your support. it is helpful to talk about it all here and i will keep reaching out as i know i need to heal and move on and have a healthy lifestyle. I used to be a very jovial happy go lucky person and now i have become dull and i see this is me and i dont like it. moving on is tough and somewhere i am still not ready to let go but i will try
     
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  7. pavika

    pavika Member

    Hello May, thank you for your message. I am really sorry to hear about your loss. I hope we can support each other and get through our pain and try to move on. I am glad that you found this website and decided to share your thoughts and feelings. i should have done this a couple of years back and maybe i would have been in a better place mentally.
    I completely shut down after my partner's loss and used to get angry even when someone mentioned her name. At the same time i could not understand the reason for this anger. Now i am better with it. She was the only one in my life and it was as if the rest of the world did not exist when i was with her. I was happy from within knowing that i had someone like her in life...true selfless love. She was my pillar in happiness and sadness, she was the one i used to turn to for any advise. After her, my world has changed. The physical and mental loss and the fear that i will never be loved like that and will never be able to love anyone like i loved her has created a big void for me. I try to find solace by telling myself that she is in a better place and wish her all the health & happiness in her next life...someone to love her as much or more than me. The thought of her happiness brings some peace to my heart. I hope you can find some peace soon.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  8. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    One last thing about loss. I wanted to share this video with you.

     
    Annty likes this.
  9. MayT

    MayT Active Member

    I am just starting this journey of loss but in a way I am fortunate that I found this site. I also joined a very supportive group on facebook that is much like this. It is a big help for me to finally be able to express my feelings.
    We are much alike in our relationships. She was my everything. The most important part of my life. She provided me with the security and peace of mind knowing I was important to someone and that I had someone to love in return. With her, I could be myself without fear of being judged. Her loss has left me adrift. Most days I feel aimless. Her adult children still live in the house next door and I am looking out for them as if they were my children. But it is still different to lose the person who was the most important part of most of my life. I feel incomplete now and fearful of the future.
    I hope that I will be eventually be able to cope with this. I know she is in a better place now, no pain and suffering and this comforts me. But for myself, I am still lost.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  10. pavika

    pavika Member

    Hello May, thank you for your message. I am really sorry to hear about your loss. I hope we can support each other and get through our pain and try to move on. I am glad that you found this website and decided to share your thoughts and feelings. i should have done this a couple of years back and maybe i would have been in a better place mentally.
    I completely shut down after my partner's loss and used to get angry even when someone mentioned her name. At the same time i could not understand the reason for this anger. Now i am better with it. She was the only one in my life and it was as if the rest of the world did not exist when i was with her. I was happy from within knowing that i had someone like her in life...true selfless love. She was my pillar in happiness and sadness, she was the one i used to turn to for any advise. After her, my world has changed. The physical and mental loss and the fear that i will never be loved like that and will never be able to love anyone like i loved her has created a big void for me. I try to find solace by telling myself that she is in a better place and wish her all the health & happiness in her next life...someone to love her as much or more than me. The thought of her happiness brings some peace to my heart. I hope you can find some peace soon.
    Hello David, thank you for the video. It was helpful and it is true that we do the opposite of what we should for our loss. I have suppressed my feelings too deep inside instead of dealing with them and have made my world very small because of it. I hope to work on this and even though there is no one here whom i can talk to, i hope sharing online will help me heal.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  11. pavika

    pavika Member

    Hello May,
    It is good that you are a part of her children's lives. I am sure that is comforting for them and to you too. Unfortunately, i dont have this with my partner's son. He is 10 years old but his father and grand parents have kind of cut lies with my partner's family and me over her finances. It is truly sad and another thing that hurts me. She used to always tell me in case anything ever happens to me, you takeover my son. After she passed, i tried for many months to be a part of his life but slowly his father and grand parents made that stop. Last year i went to their house with my partner's mom on his birthday but they did not let us meet him also. Since then i stopped trying with the hope that maybe once he gets older i will be able to reconnect with him. I really want to be a part of his life and to be there for him. I hope it happens and if he is ready then i would love to talk to him about his mom and tell her stories.
    I hope spending time with your partner's children helps you and maybe you can talk about her with them.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  12. MayT

    MayT Active Member

    Good evening Pavika (it is evening here now) :)
    I am grateful to be talking to you and being able to share experiences that are quite similar. Our country is on lock down for a month because of Covid-19 and it is so much harder to deal with missing her when everything around me reminds of of my loss. At the office, I can at least distract myself with work for a few hours.
    The children and I deal with our shared mourning together and it helps. I am fortunate that they are adults and have made a choice to include me in their lives. We talk about her a lot.
    Still, there is a big hole in my heart without her. Many times I get the thought that I want to go over to their house so I can talk to her then realize she is not there anymore. I cannot cry at time like these but it is a physical pain I feel when I remember. I wonder how I will deal with the future.
    I am sad for you that you are not a part of her son's life and I hope you can reconnect when he is older. He deserves to hear the stories of his mom and flesh out his memories of her.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hello May and Pavika,
    I just read through your posts, I am so sorry for your losses! I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to have a loving partner and not be able to show or express that love to others. I am so sorry that is what you both have dealt with and dealing with now.
    I lost my husband to a heart attack, in Nov of 2018, we were together 44 years married 41. He didn’t have any heart problems this came out of no where, in 2 hours I lost the love of my life, my everything, my love, best friend, cheer leader, boss, you name it. We owned a business together. That I had to empty and close.
    You both sound like you had that same love and commitment as I did with Ron. But you had to keep your love a secret. I’m sorry the world can be so hard and unforgiving in such things. Love is love! Done, what does it matter who people love. FYI, my son married his partner 3 years ago. He came out to me one night when he was 16, he had a hard time telling me, he was crying and I didn’t know what was wrong. When he finally had the courage to tell me that night, we hugged and cried together. My tears were not of sorrow or anger they were because this is his news? He’s not in trouble he isn’t on drugs, I was happy that was his news. Unexpected, yes! His dad and my love never changed. And that’s what I told him. You’re our son, we love you no matter what. I’m sorry that can’t happen for both of you.
    David gave you great advice, at least you can come here and get support, there’s no judging here. We are all mourning the loss of a loved one and know what you’re feeling. And talking about it helps emensely. This site has helped me a lot and continues to help. I still cry often, I’m lonely, but things are turning around slowly. Keep posting and reading, it’s helpful.
    Pavika, you have no reason to have guilt, we all feel it when we lose our special someone. I still feel it, I’m having trouble letting it go. I think it’s because the person we lost we loved and still love so much, we feel there must have been something we could have done differently. And the loneliness feels so bad. Or things should have been said. But in reality, we did everything we could, nothing could change this and they know we all loved our partners. They knew!
    Thinking of you both and wishing you better days ahead
    Robin
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  14. MayT

    MayT Active Member

    Hello Robin.
    I am sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose the most important person in your life. We are all in this boat together mourning our loss.
    Being able to write here makes it less lonely knowing there are people out there who do get it.
    Thank you.
    May
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  15. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    God is Love! There aren’t any restrictions placed on it. GOD IS LOVE!!! There is no “except for listed . I think the whole purpose of our existence is to find and perpetuate LOVE. It seems to me that you have done just that. GOD (LOVE) bless you. You are in my prayers
    Bill
     
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  16. skies24

    skies24 Well-Known Member

    Losing someone you love is just shit. I’m angry today. I miss her so much. Want to punch something. It’s so unfair. Two months today my best friend who lived with me died. I hate that word. Died. It’s so final. She was 32. I hate this feeling. I hate that no one remembers it’s the 22nd. I’m sorry for your pain. She was my person. No one gets me like her. It’s so lonely. I hope you find peace. I hope I find peace. Some days I think I do but not today. I just want a genuinely good day someday again. This site will help. God life sucks sometimes and is so unfair.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  17. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    There definitely are a lot of days that really SUCK!!!! I have, luckily for me, met, and have become very good friends with Robin who has helped me traverse some rough and rocky patches on this horrible road. David’s music has eased my pain. Reaching out to others has helped me as much,if not more, than those that I was trying to help. My wonderful Hospice Grief Counselor (Joanie) has encouraged me to put my feelings down on paper, which has been a very wonderful instrument for relief. I have even recently started setting some of the poems I wrote for Janet to music.
    If you can find something (anything) to occupy your mind, even a little, you will find that it helps.
    I’m praying that you will find peace.
    Bill
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  18. skies24

    skies24 Well-Known Member

    I’m trying to move on. Maybe I’m trying to forget. I’m exercising again. I quit drinking for a bit. Now I’m drinking again. I even tried a medium. This shit is just so damn painful. How the hell are we supposed to move on without the one we love. The one person that gets us. It’s ridiculous. It’s unfair.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  19. skies24

    skies24 Well-Known Member

    Today is a new day. I’m glad the date is not the 22nd anymore. Dates just remind you. Today is going to be a better day. I need to find a way to remember all the fun without crying. I’m going to get there. Thanks for this site for letting me vent.
     
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  20. MayT

    MayT Active Member

    Sending you hugs... Hang in there. I feel this way too every 7th. It is coming up soon, my 3rd month without her and it does not help we are in quarantine.
     
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