My mother, Michelle, passed away at 72 years old, unexpectedly, on Wednesday, March 3rd. It's painful to even write that sentence. She had been in the hospital for a week with heart failure symptoms and needed emergency heart surgery but couldn't get it until her blood pressure and kidneys stabilized - of which, they finally did stabilize and her doctors were happy with her progress. I remember talking to her doctor on Tuesday, March 2nd (on the phone because I live in New York and she lived in California) and feeling so happy that things were getting better - thinking she was going to have the surgery soon. I remember already planning ahead for visiting her once I got vaccinated and how we would get to spend the holidays together this year. I remember thinking, she has to get through this - we've made it this far through this pandemic - we deserve to celebrate surviving it together. March 3rd is a day that I play on repeat in my mind, throughout the day, in my dreams, sometimes nightmares... I can't seem to let it go. She took a turn for the worse abruptly and ultimately, her blood pressure dropped so low they had to put her on life support and her kidneys went into failure. There were a lot of traumatic phone calls and various things I had to give consent for over the phone. In the end, her heart just couldn't take it all and stopped working. How could it be that just the day before I was on the phone with my mother, we were laughing about how her nurse braided her hair and accidentally braided her oxygen tube in with one of her braids - to 24 hours later, I'm begging the doctor to put the phone to her ear so I can say goodbye to her while she's on life support? I'm so angry, so deeply sad, regretful, feeling guilty... there's so many swirling emotions that come in waves - Day and Night Every Day. In this past month, I've had moments of feeling ok - but mostly, I feel consumed with this pain. I keep going over that day, looking at our final text messages, looking at my phone call log - as if I'm a detective and there's something I've missed - that somehow I'm going to find an answer to how this could've possibly happened - as if the outcome could change. And the thing is - death just happens. You can't be ready for it - for how painful it actually is when it happens. You can't schedule it, to fit better into your life plans. If someone had told me that after the 41 years I spent in this life with my mother - that I wouldn't have gotten to say goodbye to her in person and that our 41 years would have ended with a 2 minute phone call on speaker, for the doctors in the room to hear and that my mother couldn't even respond to it - I would've never believed that - that would be the end to our story of unconditional love. And at the same time, I know to be grateful that I got that. Trying to move through these waves of pain is so hard. Trying to make peace with how I now see and feel in a world without my mother - well, I just don't even know how I'm going to do that. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry we're all here but I'm thankful for this community of people. Jenny
Oh Jenny I'm thinking of you. This is a tragic story- i lost my mom very quickly from heart failure as well. The reality of it doesn't even hit right away. Sometimes I still re-play the night she died wondering all the what ifs and it's been 4.5 years. I just lost my dad in January, and I remember thinking how cruel the timing of this pandemic is. We were all looking forward to its end when we could reunite..... I'm still scrolling through all the texts, pictures, call logs. 6 months ago when i went to care for him my life was so completely different. Time plays tricks during the early months of grief. I'm so sorry you lost your mom. I'm so sorry you couldn't be there with her. It sounds like you two shared a beautiful bond of love throughout this life. That is all we can ask for in the end. That love is undying, and I hope it can give you some peace. Be gentle to yourself now Jenny, Lisa
Hi Lisa, Thank you for reading my post, for sharing your own grief and story and for sharing your kind words about sharing love in this life; that love is undying. It's hard for me to really resonate with that thought of love just yet. Yesterday marked 2 months since my mother has passed and I feel like I still have so much anger and pain in me. I hope to one day make peace with it all and focus more on how our love lives on. Over the last 2 months, I tried to tell myself to focus on the fact that I'm lucky I didn't lose more during this last year+ and to be grateful for who and what I do still have. But grief is a powerful thing - I've never felt so many heavy feelings all at once. I've since realized, it's OK to be angry, be in pain and at the same time, be grateful for not losing more. I'm learning that the grieving process is always evolving and at various speeds. And I'm just trying to embrace it now. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother and your father's recent death. I'm sorry that neither of us will be celebrating making it through this pandemic with our parent(s). It's painful to think about how you still replay the night your mother passed - I often think, how long will this haunt me? The trauma from that day and night echo within me. I can only hope that one day we both stop replaying things - that something inside us, sets us free and perhaps we only replay fond memories instead. Sending you love, hugs and gratitude for taking the time to write to me, Jenny
I feel your pain and it's still devastating. I lost my mom in September five years ago suddenly due to a perforated bowel from chemotherapy. I spoke with her at midnight the night before and she coded and was on life support the very next day. I never got to say goodbye to my mother. She was in a non-responsive state. I begged God to save her but her body was too tired to take anymore. We are never ready for that last breath, especially when my siblings and I had to make that final decision for her. When she was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer, she was so optimistic. She would say "I have too much to do and I don't have time for this." She had 9 grandchildren that she adored and loved. It's always a risk to do chemotherapy but my mom was hopeful she would be cured. We didn't realize that that would be the thing that would take her away from us. The pain for me is still as fresh as it was on that dreadful day and I would do anything to hold her and tell her how much I love her. The physical separation is the worst part. She was the rock of our family and the glue that held us all together. Not a day goes by that I don't shed a tear and ask God why he took such a beautiful soul from our family. I am here for you if you want to talk, vent, cry or listen. The loss of our mothers is a connection we have and can lean on each other for. Losing our mothers will forever impact our lives and that hole in our hearts will forever be filled with wonderful memories. Hang in there.
